Deep in the moonlight,
Stood a lily so white.
Blue and black the sky,
With tears that held a story behind
And with whispers she sighs,
The whir of a sober girl
Is sadder than any words.
Deep in the mellow
Stood a sunflower so yellow
Blue and white the sky,
With voice that held a story behind
And with whispers she sighs,
The whir of a sober girl
Is sadder than any words.
Deep in the cave,
Stood a fern so brave
Black and black only the sky
With feelings that held a story behind
And with whispers she sighs,
The whir of a sober girl
Is sadder than any words.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hey there! Writer here to give a review! (since you gave me one ^_^)
I like this poem; it's very interesting.
Let's get started, shall we?
So I'm going to go stanza by stanza first, pointing out what I like and what could be changed.
First off, I like the imagery you have. It's quite good, and I like the colors mentioned and such. But I feel it could be enhanced more if you used more descriptive words. What shade of blue? What shade of black? How deep in the moonlight, etc. etc. Also be careful with punctuation, as some lines have periods when appropriate, and then some don't. That's actually fine, but just be careful
I'm not gonna get too nitpicky here, actually, because most of this is pretty much perfect. I like the constant repetition and the images you do give us. I just suggest you work on giving them more life and enhance them ^^ I'm really interested by the message of this poem. Just what exactly are you trying to convey here? It's very good, but I just want your interpretation so I don't misinterpret it. But, I think it's saying that someone not affected by alcohol can be beautiful (flowers, moonlight) but she can still be sad?
gah, okay, that didn't work at all
I hope some of this review helps, it was honestly a good read. But I do think you could give us some more figurative language to make us feel more emotion towards the girl in this poem.
Great job and keep writing!
~Thewriter13
Helloo.
I liked how you used the repetition effect so beautifully. Usually it annoys me, but in this poem it worked perfectly.
I loved how the colour of the sky changed from blue and black, then blue and white, and then black and black.
The flow was good, and the rhyming in the first two lines of each stanza was nice as well.
Good Job!
Rating: 9/10
Hassan
Thank Uh!