Young Writers Society

Hello! I've not read the earlier parts so if I point out anything which you think you've already covered in a previous section, you'll need to use your superior knowledge to decide if it needs looking into or not. On to the review!

Specifics

1. I think it would be nice to see the main character's despair at looking around the classroom and not being able to find another seat. Maybe even have them consider perching on the edge of someone else's - I've done that before the teacher told me to get my own.

2. You don't need to use caps to show your characters are shouting! That's very unprofessional and you should be able to use your dialogue and maybe the occasional exclamation point to show that your characters are angry. Using full caps is more likely to give people a headache and then you'll get one as well while we all try to explain why we hate them so much

3.

I stepped on his foot hard “Ouch” he complained again and... ‘that felt better’ that's what my brai

Hey umaima!
As I haven't read the previous chapters this will be based on this chapter alone.
I'll review as I read. I hope you don't mind if I'm blunt in the review.

“Oh, so now you are following me?” Frank taunted, looking at me.
A comma after taunted.

“Follow you? Yeah right” I responded while trying to control my anger.

“Sorry Suzan, couldn’t come to school today, there was something up at home” It was Jade, the whole reason I came to school…great “But we still meet at my house at 8, the party preparations are still going on so if you come early, you do the work XD… and Suzan I bet you want to check the link below” There was a link to some facebook page “You are going to freak out after seeing this…and the same post is on twitter too, please tell me this is just something Sam made up”

“NEW WAY OF EXPRESSING LOVE, SUZAN CONFESSES TO FRANK. THE ARROGANT CAT IS FINALLY IN LOVE.” and there was a photo of me and Frank below…What the… I said I didn’t like him, she is so toast and more of all How can she call me an arrogant cat…ah that’s it, she is so dead. I looked at frank and figured he was staring at me too.

I'm going to start his off by saying that the story line is progressing rather well. Along with that so is your writing. Of course there will be mistakes no one is perfect, so do not let me discourage you wit this review. As I've stated before I'm really enjoying this piece and hope for it to continue in the future. I can tell you've started to proofread, but it's time for someone else to see it and make there comments and that's what I'm here for. Let's get started shall we?

This might just be me but the start had me lost for a second. (Yes I went back and read chapter 4) It was just the wording, I wasn't following it. However this could be just me, but I've personally teased people like this in the past so I have a different understanding of what he would say. For example most people I know, including myself would have said, "Oh, so now you're following me?" Instead of what you wrote, "So, you would follow me anywhere huh?" I just feel like this sentence is awkward. Play with it a bit, really tease her with his words.

Alright this is choppy here and I feel like something is wrong with the grammar. "“Follow you? Please” I replied controlling myself. I was just so unhappy." I would tell you the grammar mistake but I am not very good at it myself. However, we can fix the choppiness by saying this instead, "Follow you, yeah right," I responded while trying to contain my anger." I left out the part about her being unhappy because saying she was angry also covers that.

For this next part I am confused as to what you are trying to get across. "You too Frank” , for this I love you lameor…he grinned and picked his bag, this time I smiled and we both stepped out of the class." I can however tell you that by including the part of thanking Miss Lameor it throws the reader off for a minute. Also you left out a word here, "he grinned and picked his bag" To fix it just insert the word "up" between picked and his.

Here I am so confused I have no recommendations other than read it out loud to yourself and try to clean it up. "I stepped on his foot hard “Ouch” he complained again and ‘that felt better’" What's throwing me off is the 'that felt better' part.

Try to keep with me here I'm going to hit two lines at once. " “Zip it, I am real irritated right now” I said

He chuckled. Yeah sure laugh all you want. This will be your last."

In the first you should make real into really, and add a period at the end. The second line you said that, "This will be your last." This will be his last what? You've left us hanging with an incomplete sentence.

I seem to have found a spelling mistake in this line, "Ever since kinder-garden she had always been embarrassing me. My life’s misery…She was as Immature as a 2 year old." First off it's kindergarten, and secondly I think she needs to be a bit older to be as immature as you'd like to describe her. Try a seven year old.

In this one it could use a small change, "I said I didn’t like him, she is so toast and more of all How can she call me an arrogant cat…ah that’s it, she is so dead." try changing more of all to most of all, flows much better and is grammatically correct.

"I ran as fast as I could picking my pace every second when finally I saw the girls restroom, Jackpot and I ran inside." What what? I thought she hurt her leg and could barley walk, now she's running full speed? Legs don't heal that fast, you should probably review this part.

“Wow! Now that is what you call awesome…you got the goodie too shoes to clean the audi, I always waited for this day, anyways see you guys later I got to pick someone right now sorry Suzan can’t help you on this…After all he is my best friend” Alright time for some work. I'm going to assume some of the grammar issues is the character's style, but this caught my attention. "anyways see you guys later I got to pick someone right now" This is very vague, but I'm going to assume you meant to say "anyways see you guys later I've got to go pick someone up right now."

Overall these are just mistakes that can be found with a little more proofreading. I say it again no one is perfect, for example I've used spell check in this review at least seventy times. Also I posted a story and got it torn to pieces not long ago. Now I would also like to mention that there are capitalization errors throughout the piece names, random capitals, and of the likes. Also you seem to have some symbols in random places throughout the story here are a few examples of the symbols; " '. Those seem to be in some random places.

Anyway this review is long, hope you stuck with me through the whole thing. The story is good regardless of what I've said, and I really really do hope that you continue it. My advice to you is to proofread it a few more times before posting, and when you proofread it say it out loud, you will catch more mistakes that way. So I hope this review has helped and keep in mind most of this is all my opinions you can listen to them or ignore them, it's your story after all.

Cheers,

Deadman

Expect a review from me soon, I do not have the time to type it out right now. You'll have it at the latest tomorrow.