The anticlimax of us
is summed up in the word
almost; the potential
we had is now swirling
bathos. Contradiction.
Clashing elements. Heat
rising in bubbles
that will never pop.
I thought we were
building and building
but the bricks we used
were made of air,
of all the particles between us
that neither of our lungs
ever touched.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hallooo, me again!
Beautiful, as always. Excellent word choice, vocabulary, imagery and all the rest. You've communicated a clear idea concisely and effectively.
I have a few suggestions, rather than criticisms. First,
You've emphasized the word almost so dang much, but you haven't given it its own line, like this;
"is summed up in the word
almost;
the potential
we had is now swirling..."
Though, looking at it now it definitely would break up your awesome flow. However, since the word is so central to the poem, it would be nice if it was at least at the end of a line.
I had to look up the word bathos, and I'm glad I did because it's parfait. I like the added word "Contradiction" after it, but "clashing elements" seems unnecessary and a little redundant to me, I would use either "contradiction" or "clashing elements," but not both.
Every time I read your poems and I come across sections like this
I have feels really hard.
Wonderful work, indieeloise. Thank you for sharing!
Laminated
Hey! I kind Of Like This Poem But Then On The Same Hand I Dont Like ThiS pOEm.
I could not keep up with the poem. Though rhyming is not necessary but rhyming a poem gives the reader more enthusiasm to read it. Then the reader enjoys reading the poem. Your poem seemed a bit awkward. Maybe you could recheck your poem. These lines
'I thought we were
building and building
but the bricks we used
were made of air,'
I think you should change these lines. I Dunno what is wrong . But how can bricks be made of air?
And even these lines That neither of our lungs.
What Do You Even Mean By That?
It Feels very awkward.
Dont mind. I always point out mistakes while reading a poem.
Anyways Gr8 Effort.
Amazing
Meh.
Litigation is in your future, sir!
what even
I love this.
Thank you for this.
Just a comment for today, but I am going to promise you a review when I have a clearer head and more energy.
Absolutely Beau-ti-ful.
You nailed it.
Thanks for sharing!
An amazing piece of poetry! I really like all the description and the detail within the piece. You varied using different literary terms and that's very unique. I praise you for making such a masterpiece and catching my eye and making your poetry interesting. Keep up the good work!!!
Aaaaaaaaa the potential! Hi dearest. So I kind of love this and I kind of don't. There are some serious gems in here and then some rather disappointing throw-aways. I think I adore the concept, and the ending is absolutely perfect but
nope.
You made it sound in the previous stanza as if this was going to be all sciency and whatnot, don't ask me how, I'm atrocious when it comes to anything of that sort and then BRICKS and AIR and blah. I don't know. I'd recommend changing it though
Anywho that's all I've got for ya now which isn't too terribly helpful but there ya have it
I like it. Just leaving a comment to say that the style of the poem is very similar to that of Clark Coolidge. If you've never read any of his poems, you should check them out:
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/clark-coolidge
Hi there, Indie! I'm June!
I think this poem is well-deserving of the feature it's received, and I'm not sure why it took me so long to get around to reading this. Your word choice is very clean, which lends a great deal of satisfaction towards the greater end goal of your poem. I like how concise it is and I want to keep reading it.
I don't know how I feel about the part "but the bricks we used/were made of air"; it falls flat in comparison to all of your other images here, and I find myself wanting you to give me something more there. All the same, it's kind of likable because it feels empty in comparison to the surrounding words, which is kind of the point of the line.
Two thumbs up and happy review day!
June
Hello
I really really like the title of this poem! I spotted it on the right hand of my screen in 'featured works' and immediately clicked.
I love that you describe the relationship as an anticlimax...don't we all know what that feels like!? lol.
I can really relate to this as I can see that you're trying to portray two people who are just incompatible even though they desperately want to be.
Do you give up or still try and build up those bricks of air?
Well done and I look forward to reading something else of yours soon!
Awesome. Enough said
Hey!
So I am hopefully going to give you a good review today!
Starting you have written a beautiful poem filled with some great metaphors and language.
I love the idea of it, of love that could have been, and you have captured it well.
In saying that there are a few things that need a bit of work.
"bathos. Contradiction.
Clashing elements. Heat"
- you can put heat on the next line, this will make it flow a bit more and the reader, I think, will find it easier to read. I had to reread it to make sure it was the same sentence as the next lines.
Apart from that the first stanza is very good and nice and strong. I like the idea of an anticlimax, that the love never reached its potential and it wasn't anyones fault. You convey this idea well. So good job!
For me the second stanza is the weakest, it is still good but it doesn't have the same strength and emotion as the first. But, that may just be me so don't worry to much.
I fill as if you could do more with it, work on the idea and the emotions, really go more in depth. Though I think a bit more punctuation would help this stanza.
Overall I loved this. It is fantastic and you have some great imagery and you use language really well.
Keep writing and well done!
Nargles xxxx
Hello There.
Imaginator16 to review for you for review day.
Being honest, i liked the poem it felt as if it soothed in if that makes sense, haha. It's like a puzzle and most pieces connect.
One thing that doesn't make sense is the line
"The potential
We had is now swirling
bathos."
I agree with Jordin that it doesn't make much sense and it kinda takes the whole theme of the poem because of those lines. And in a whole i don't really understand what the poem is about. You should think about making it more clearer for people by making the poem a bit more longer.
Although all those bad points, i did like the poem the way it worked and came together.
Well, i am done, thank you for your time for reading this and have a brilliant day/night depends on where you are.
Haha
Imaginator16
This is so perfect. I love poetry like this, it's so raw and emotional and beautiful.
"I thought we were
building and building
but the bricks we used
were made of air,"
This is one of my favorite parts of the poem! Thanks for sharing it<3
Hello Indiee. Jordin here to do a review for you and review day.
This make absolutely no sense.Well this did not make sense also you need a good bit more punctuation, I am sure you are a professional Poet from the list of links at this side.
Anyway this was Okay.
I do not know why you wrote this...
Keep writing and good luck.
Until later good bye.
~Jon~
OH MAN I LOVE THIS.
That is all.
Oh gosh, this is beautiful.
Really.
I don't know about you, but because Poetry had been my outlet for the uncontainable emotions, the best ones I had were reflections of the most painful stirrings inside that nobody else notices. I'd like to hear what made you write this. Yes, I am not a fan of separating the work from the author.
"I thought we were
building and building
but the bricks we used
were made of air,
of all the particles between us
that neither of our lungs
ever touched."
I like this so much maybe because I remember how I once felt this too. This is a painful poem, filled with the "almosts" that never really got there. I am now officially following you. Write more! XOXO, Ligaya
People always underestimate poetry, I know I did, until I started reading.....
Oh nice piece there loved it!One of the things that put me off was punctuation!! Please remember to put it.I see there is some but not in all.I suggest the use of a comma in some of the lines would of made a difference.My favorite lines was:
" I thought we were
building and building
but the bricks we used
we made of air,"
In these lines were problems to;the repetition of building,I assumed that was for effect and capitalization in some instances.Good poem anyway! Keep writing!