(n): an emotional disorder in which a large quantity of food
is followed by feelings of guilt
and self-induced purging
i.
what we have is a synonym
for a bulimic disorder:
near starvation. talk about
infatuation,
you're a detritivore
at a thrift store.
you soul-scavenger -
you've cast
your hook, promises
like bait you attached
to the salt in my marrow.
no wonder
your favorite meal
was always leftovers;
i couldn't be preserved.
your gluttony exposes
my ribs; i am empty,
jaundiced, feeling
this is not how love
should taste.
ii.
expulsion: you are luke-
warm and i have spit you
out of my mouth.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,021 Reviews
Okay first of all I want to ask you if this is a draft. Because it just doesn't look like one. Writing poems about specific psychological disorders is not easy but you did it so easily. Congratulations! Since I study psychology in school I know about this disorder and have studied in detail about it. So when it comes to glitches in the theme you selected or information you provided, there were none. Now in the note that you had earlier, you asked if you can submit this poem titled 'Obsession'. But i think 'Expulsion' is just fine and apt. You shouldn't change it in my opinion.
Your lines started with small letters but I guess that's because it's a draft so it's fine. The first four lines just made me read the poem. I believe the starting of the poem should be very catchy and your poem had that element.
Your didn't rhyme but that's absolutely not a flaw. Sometimes not rhyming a poem makes it look very attractive.
Your last stanza had your title in it which again made the poem very very nice.
Either I am not able to point out a mistake or you haven't made any!
So great work!
Keep writing!
Best of luck!
Cheers!
Shiksha!
Hi there, indiee!
I love the extended metaphor here. It really works (Unless it's literal and I'm digging too deeply (which only happens with good poetry, may I add)).
1. I love the rhyme here between starvation and infatuation. It was nicely slipped in there.
2. "borderline near starvation" seems redundant to me. I would omit "borderline" if I were you.
"detritivore" should be spelled "detrivore."
I don't know what "one" is referring to here. Make sure it's clear. Is it referring to a person, or something earlier in the stanza? Also, I don't know why "one without a dime" (if one is referring to a person) is being ravaged like something.
This part isn't quite doing it for me. It's a little too fragmented for me. I'm all for sentence fragments in poetry to support style, but this one feels off. It's because, grammatically speaking, "it" is referring to "sustenance," not "crime," as it should. Try rearranging the words so it makes more sense. Perhaps something like this:
That would also make the rhyme less noticeable (which is always a good thing in my books).
Gorgeous.
I'm not a fan of how you break this up here. perhaps try:
In the last stanza, as well, the way you break things up isn't quite satisfying. Pronouns shouldn't have their own line because as words they're not supposed to be important enough for that. I suggest combining "this" with the next line.
Altogether, this is really lovely. I don't know if it quite fits the theme of obsession, but I really like it, especially the part in the middle that I commented on. Lovely description. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
I enjoyed reading this. Here are some suggestions that I believe would make this work better.
(n): an emotional disorder
in which a large quantity of food
is followed by feelings of guilt
and self-induced purging.
You started it off by defining the title, however while you wrote out the definition you should have included the word(s) you were defining to expel any confusion as to what your are speaking about here.
I.
what we have is a synonym
for a bulimic disorder:
border line
near starvation. talk about
infatuation,
Here, you should move 'talk about' down one line and keep 'infatuation' separated from it. It worked well as it is, but one of the unspoken rules of lyrical poetry is that if there is any line separation whatsoever (ex: a comma [,], period [.], colon [:], semicolon [;], question mark [?], ect.) then the line ends, we press enter, and continue onto another line. Something similar to this is that typically the rule of thumb is that we poetry writers end all of ours lines with punctuation marks.
However, I will also point out that this is all a matter of preference and what is right for one writer may not be right for another.
you're a detritivore (My spellcheck says that this word is misspelled but will not give me the correct spelling, so I'm not sure if this is incorrect or if my computer is being picky. You may want to check this out.)
at a thrift store.
you soul-scavenger -
ravaging me like one
without a dime.
I'm afraid that the last two lines didn't make sense to me. How does one without a dime ravish?
it should be a crime,
the sustenance you steal
from me. you've cast
your hook, promises
like bait you attached
to the salt
in my marrow. no wonder
your favorite meal
was always leftovers:
i couldn't be
preserved.
Nothing here to mention that I haven't already mentioned, except that I loved the way that you wrote this. It's one of my favorite parts.
And one little grammar error, 'I' in the next-to-last line should be capitalized.
your gluttony exposes
my ribs; i am empty,
jaundiced,
feeling this
is not how love
should taste.
Once again, this is a great section, just capitalize the 'I'
II.
this
is my expulsion: you are luke-
warm and i have spit you
out of my mouth.
'I' again.
My favorite part, easily. The spitting out was a great ending. It's like, "I'm so done with this, I'm sick of it, etc."
This was a really good piece, and I hope you write more like it in the future.
And as for the literary magazine question, if you work on it a little bit more, clean off some of the edges so to speak, I want you to submit it, and I see no reason why you shouldn't.
Merry Christmas in July!
Happy Writing!
HT