I love this. What a beautiful story you told with your poetry 
My favourite part of writing and reading other people's writing is the story behind the words. You told a very meaningful story and laced the emotion excellently into it.
Very good job
Gone, but never forgotten - in honor of the twenty babies that entered heaven’s gates December 14, 2012.
.
I came across the Painter today.
His gently worn hands were spattered with flecks
of exuberant colors and hues.
.
He used a cloud for a canvas:
red from passion mixed with the purity of white
for the pink of childhood's rosy cheeks.
.
Dipping his fingers in the green
of recurring life,
he romanced the image to the skies.
.
"What are you painting?"
I asked the bearded Man
with brown eyes that pierced the soul.
.
Stalks of green were coaxed to the skyline:
one, two, three, I counted.
When creation was complete, there were twenty
.
pink blooms smeared the white space
above the stems, painted
not with precision, but untouched beauty.
.
But then the Artist's expression changed.
Deep and anguished sadness
engraved the creases of his face.
.
The white of the canvas turned black
with the darkening of the horizon
and the upheaval of the skies.
.
It rained. The sky opened,
its quiet tears disappearing
into the shadow of uprooted innocence.
.
I had forgotten the painter was next to me
until he exhaled into the mist.
Droplets of grief hastened from his whisper.
.
He brushed his fingers once more
into the green of vitality,
sprouting life from the petals of the fallen.
.
It occurred to me then -
though cut off from its source of survival,
the essence of each blossom lives on.
.
From the rain of suffering, the tears shed,
each spirit can grow, be revivified in the form
of a future in remembrance of the original twenty seeds.
I love this. What a beautiful story you told with your poetry My favourite part of writing and reading other people's writing is the story behind the words. You told a very meaningful story and laced the emotion excellently into it.
Very good job
Hi Indieeloise! Sorry this has taken a while to get to.
Gone, but never forgotten - in honor of the twenty flowers who entered heaven’s gates December 14, 2012.
He used a cloud for a canvas
Red from passion mixed with the purity of white
for the pink of childhood’s rosy cheeks
Dipping his fingers in the green
from virescence of recurring life,
he romanced the image to the skies
“What are you painting?”
I asked the bearded Man
with brown eyes that pierced the soul
And then it rained.
The sky opened, its quiet tears disappearing
into the shadow of uprooted innocence
From the rain of suffering, and from the tears shed
each spirit can grow, be revivified in the form
of a future in remembrance of the original twenty seeds.
This is what I love about inspired pieces: they convey such a powerful message because the writer knows how the audience should feel- which is often the same way they felt. The use of an artist is quite symbolic of a storyteller, but through a picture that is described by the narrator for the audience to see it for themselves, which is pretty clever. The use of life as a connotation of flowers and green, and grief and sadness from rain I found very fitting for the theme of this poem, and with prose it is vital that you give strong emotive language and techniques in this manner to effect the reader.
Onto the grammatical side of things- it was perfect, save for the capital lettering for the terms used to label the painter, but I think it works well because it represents him as a higher character, and some could interpret him as God from a particular view. Either way, if that was accidental, watch out. Spelling was perfect (I even learned a new word), and you used a range of vocabulary, but variation in punctuation was slightly lacking, I feel. From your style, I think a full stop at the end of most of the stanzas in this poem would have been fine, simply because the subject changes too much in the following verse to miss one. But that's my opinion.
Regardless, this is a fantastic commemoration to those who lost their lives at the Newtown shooting, and you really captured a lot of emotion when you wrote this. Well done, this is a truly fantastic poem.
Regards
DNX
That was absolutely amazing. I am literally tearing up now becuase of both its beauty and the beauty of the intent behind it. Very few things make me cry. I had to read the poem again so that I would be objective when critiquing it. The beginning was great and the ending was amazing, but I think it lost something in the middle. I would especially pay attention to and revise the last half of the poem, excluding the last paragraph. Overall, very well done and I am very glad to have read it. It may have been one of the most heartfelt things I've ever read.
I really hate to criticize this poem because it's intention and concept are so good. The first half was astonishing, but the second half fell short of the high standards the first half had placed.
Your initial descriptions of the painting of the flowers was gorgeous. You created a very beautiful serene mood.
I'm very sorry to say, but the second half of the poem where the mood grows darker is underwhelming. The diction became just a little un-poetic. The longer words disrupted the rhythm, and the structure was just a little bit too straightforward. I think it would do you good if you took the second half and made it much, much shorter. Because you're not trying to depict trauma, just sadness and loss, I think that it would be enough to just create the image of the destruction of the flowers, and let the reader fill in the emotions instead of explicitly depicting the tear on the speaker's cheek. I'm not saying that this part was bad, but it just wasn't half as good as the rest.
If I were you, I would put the dedication at the beginning of the poem.
Also, I'm a bit confused by the painter. Is he god? Society?
I don't want to sound like I don't like this poem, I really did. I just think it could be so much better.
This poem is absolutely wonderful. It is truly wonderful in every way.
First things first, I'm a fan of your structure. It keeps the reader moving at a quick pace, which is important when your poem is longer than 20 or 30 lines.
Now, your punctuation is a stylistic choice, but if I were you I would put periods at the end of sentences. I think it's important for this poem because many of your sentences are at the end of the stanzas, so there were a few spots where I got confused, for example:
"the essence of the each blossom lives on
From the rain of suffering, and from the tears shed"
I stumbled in my reading because I wasn't sure if the sentence continued or not. But this is really my only criticism. I love the imagery, I love the colorful description. Is the painter supposed to represent God? I'm not sure if I misunderstood that.
Keep up the great writing!
-Alex
Quite possibly the most beautiful language I have seen in a poem on this site in the days I've spent here. Not saying I've been here long. This paints a vivid image, and most importantly makes the reader feel. Few works can do that. It's an accomplishment to do that with poetry, and I am by no means a poet. But you, writer, are a poet, one of great prowess, one of heavy heart and bright mind. That day, that sad day, was my sisters birthday. You are an amazing writer. Keep it up.
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