A/N: This is my first attempt at spoken word/slam poetry. I plan to perform this at my school's talent show in about a month, but if you think that I would just make a fool of myself, please don't hesitate to tell me. I have to send in a video to perform by February 18, so reviews and critiques are urgently needed before then, please! Here is the link to the video, so you can listen while you read the words. http://versesofaponderingsoul.tumblr.com/post/42792642775/unrefined-hannah-denham-my-first-attempt-at
Thanks, loves! xx
~
You say you like me
unrefined.
I guess it’s inevitable that
we’re intertwined, like
the divine columns
of a sanctum or some holy
shrine. Jesus drew a line
in the sand, between
sawdust and rocks in
unworthy hands.
But you’ve never thrown
a stone at me.
We are convenient. More than
just an affair or fling,
we’ve got something
that, paired, would be
shocking and toxic
and terrible and catastrophic.
Forecasters would call us a natural
disaster.
Our tsunami isn’t
the tidal waves of the sea,
but the strength that frees
them to crash on the sand,
over and over
again.
I’ll be the beach
the ocean of your thoughts
collides with; just promise
you’ll leave me, now and then, to
the shells buried deep
within. I don’t want to let go of
these inter-coastal burdens.
I don’t want you to love me,
unless you’re gonna
consume me like
the pavement
engulfs the rain.
Don’t love me,
unless with each caress
you confess that you were thirsty for me
in the recesses of your
solitude. The ocean, that
hydraulic press, it’s relent-
less in the way it cleanses
the sand. And you, you erode
my secrets.
There’s something
about your briny eyes, the way
you see behind the “I’m
fine’s,” and your healing salt
puts to death the cypress
pine of my past.
But you say you like
me as I am:
unrefined.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there!
Unfortunately, the speakers on my laptop are broken. So I am unable to listen to your performance while reading the words. However, it looks like dogs gave you a pretty in depth critique about your performance. I will review the poem itself.
This is great. I commend you for using the consistent image of the ocean all the way through, and the new ways that you utilized it. My favorite stanza was the fourth one. I love the way you put your words together there.
This stanza:
Threw me off a little. I thought at first, okay, she's going to switch her symbols now. But you went right back to talking about the ocean after you mentioned the pavement engulfing the rain (which is brilliant, by the way). This image feels very out of place within the rest of your rather oceanic poem.
This bit isn't really doing it for me. The idea is a bit cliche, and the wording isn't all that special. It almost strikes me as mushy. But I'm very sensitive to mushy things. So I don't know if others think it's mushy. But it strikes me as off.
I think you should find a more appropriate plant to represent your past. I don't know much about cypress pines, but they're just trees, aren't they? What if your past was a type of invasive plant species? I think that would make a bigger impact than his healing salt killing a tree (unless a cypress pine is an invasive species. I don't know).
I like the ending. Altogether, it's quite good. You definitely won't make a fool out of yourself. I hope this review was helpful. Good luck in the talent show!
Hello there indi darlin! Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey so I'm really going to focus more on your performance aspect of this piece, which is where my thespian skills are more helpful to this situation. In a slam poem you need to be more animated physically, your vocals are great. Putting emphasis on words you want to punctuate and make people hear over the rest. Your performance would be wonderful if I listened to only your voice, but you need to add some more movements to your words. This is difficult to describe without providing the visual effects... but you need more action.
you're very pretty my dear. Anywho, let me know if you need a review anytime. Keep up the good work!
Throughout your entire piece you don't move at all, don't give us any facial expressions, but great vocals as I already mentioned. I understand that you didn't move in order to stay within the web cam, but even than you could provide us with some hand motions to really emphasize the points your trying to make. Even through it a sarcastic smile sometimes, bring it back to a frown or a more frustrated face when you talk about how he shouldn't love you unless... yada yada.
You can even bring up props to the stage if you want to, I've seen it done for slam poems. If you look up good slam poems people are very expressive, especially facially. Which is where you were missing out on the most. I would love to see another video of your Slam
TuckEr EllsworTh
Oh, and most certainly definately absolutely do this in the talent show. You will not make a fool of yourself and it will certainly definately absolutely be moving.
By the way, was this written for anyone, or just one of those pour-everything-into-a-poem thing?
Dude, that was really awesome! Definately works really well as spoken poetry, your voice made some things rhyme that probably wouldn't have in text. I love the ocean imagery, but my favorite parts were those lovely rhymes.
We are convenient. More than
just an affair or fling,
we’ve got something
that, paired, would be
shocking and toxic
and terrible and catastrophic.
Forecasters would call us a natural
disaster.
I like this part very much, first for the "forecasters" and "disaster" rhyme, and then for the striking words "shoking and toxic."
When you get to:
I don’t want you to love me,
unless you’re gonna
consume me like
the pavement
engulfs the rain.
it becomes very passionate, bordering on lust. I don't particularly like this kind of love nor understand it, but as a writer I liked the raw emotion there.
The word "undefined" was also a smooth way to tie everything together. I guess I have some critisism for this, but I would have to think really hard and sort them out. I'd be happy to share if you really want to hear them, just PM me.
Loved hearing you voice with this! I want to do more slam poetry.