Dear musician: keep your eyes up. Dear musician:
keep your ears tuned humble
to the sound of your own voice. Turn the bass
up louder and remember that this is the dust
from which you were formed. A single chord.
Vibrations - know them, well enough to know
their final destination before they finish traveling.
Memorize your pulse.
This is your rhythm. Stay true to it.
You are more than the sum of your parts,
dear musician. When the hour has danced
like an accompanying violinist and dips into the sun,
pack up your cases, your cassettes. Stay true
to yourself, and return to someone worth returning to.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Indiee! (How was I not following you before? You're one of my favorite poets on YWS!)
I like the dust part, but I am not quite sure how the bass being turned up connects to the dust. Perhaps say something more relating to the origins of the musician. Perhaps describe how sticky the stage was at the first bar they played at, or the homeless man playing the saxophone on the same street corner as the musician, playing a bluesy duet with the musician. Give us some detail for the readers to connect to there. It's a great opportunity that you've missed.This gave me shivers. It was beautiful about being humble and it was bittersweet, and oh, indiee, how to poet? I will abduct you and steal your secrets.
That being said, there are a few things that I think leave a little room for improvement.
I think the poem really starts at the end of the first line. I'd take out the first "Dear musician" because it kind of detracts from the point of the rest of the poem. When you begin with keeping eyes up, it makes the reader think you're going to go into a poem about a starving artist type that needs encouragement, but really, you're encouraging a musician to stay humble even when they become famous.
First of all, remove the comma because it tripped up my reading a lot. It is grammatically correct without the comma, and with it, it creates a pause that shouldn't be there. Second, try to avoid using the same word in the same line. Pick one of the knows and replace it with a synonym.
I think that "tempo" would be more appropriate here, as rhythms can be wild and complex, but the beating of the heart is a steady "dup-dup, dup-dup." It would also draw attention to the speed of life. Tempo describes the speed at which a piece is played (just in case you didn't know), and if the musician lives life at the same speed at which they started, it's easy to assume that they will not change as much.
I think this is a quote from something, but I'm not sure. Either way, it's a cliche, and I think you should rewrite it.
This line is also a little cliche. I also think that with the meaning of the rest of the poem so clear, that you could even leave this out if you wanted.
Altogether, I really like your imagery, but as all poems, this one still needs a little polishing. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
I really like this poem. It reminds me of a musician friend I have. Good writing with great flow. It felt like this could be lyrics to a song, felt musical.
One of my favorite parts was this:
"Turn the bass
up louder and remember that this is the dust
from which you were formed. A single chord."
I thought this piece was really inspiring, not only for musicians, but writers too. I look forward to reading more of your work!
I don't really do poetry, so I wouldn't really take my advice. But I will try! On the sixth line it say's know twice I would try to find a different word, because it is kind of confusing. I really like it and it was very interesting! It was a very interesting subject to write about, and you did it perfectly! Great job upon writing this!
Outstanding! <3