A/N: For what it’s worth: I gathered this from a note I wrote to a suicidal stranger. Title inspired by Ben Harper’s song with the same name.
You are gold.
not golden, but of
the kind of metal
refined by fire.
as for “beautiful” -
I think it’s overused, but
I’d say the aesthetics
of your essence, the
inscriptions on the
caverns of your mind
are lovely.
the blood cells in your marrow
are courageous; you
have the nerve to
shave apathy from your
outer skeleton. you allow
for desperation to flow
from your cavities.
we are all storehouses
for distress,
though not many
of us reach for the
scalpel. let
your wounds drain.
if you’ll look inside yourself
at that sheen of
laceration, you’ll
see the reflection
of fate’s spectrum:
it’s a splay of vibrance
and color and brightness
and not just the red
you’ve adjusted to.
don’t let anyone break
the glass;
I’m not leaving you
alone with what’s been
shattered. mirrors are
made of metal too,
and gold is worth more
than aluminum.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is undoubtedly the most brilliant poem I have read so far on this website. I am truly touched by the delicate words and metaphors you incorporated into this poem. I love it when writers go all out wuth creativity like you have! I wish, for your own benefit, I could give you some helpful critcism for tge future pietry writing, but i'm afraid this poem is just too perfect to correct.
happy christmas in july.
I am blown away. A hundred bravos.
Ahh, to pick just one verse that's my favourite... I must say this one stands out for me;
Absolutely spot on. I understand that this is directed towards a stranger, but it also rings with the words most of us wish to say to comfort friends who have difficulty appreciating themselves.
As has been said, your word choice is phenomenal. Your excellent vocabulary allows you to make meaningful phrases of beautiful words, as here;
Gah. Wonderful.
The first time I read through, I wasn't sure how I felt about your lack of capitalization, but I think I'm on board with it. I prefer it unbroken and conversational, I think.
The only thing I'm not crazy about is this phrase;
It sounds to me a bit misplaced and distracting where it is situated, in a stanza talking about the rest of the world. I would suggest a stronger connection between the comment of the suicidal person- "let your wounds drain"- and everyone else. That said, I claim no equality with a mind that could have constructed a poem such as this, so if you want it there, then by golly keep it.
I love it all. Well done.
My apologies for what I'm sure is a review annoyingly lacking in constructive criticism. Should I find a suggestion, I'll be sure to share it with you.
Regards,
Laminated.
I like it. It's certainly well written. The word choice is amazing in most places, though in some I got the impression that you were trying too hard to be original. It did feel effortless as a whole, however, and I appreciated that. I liked:
"you/ have the nerve to
shave apathy from your
outer skeleton. you allow
for desperation to flow
from your cavities.
we are all storehouses
for distress,"
I didn't worship the ending. Although it's true that gold is worth more than aluminum, I didn't see how that connects to the poem.
And also, why do you have to look inside specifically at the sheen of laceration to see the plethora of colors of what was it - fate? That didn't really make sense to me.
When I read "the cells of your marrow" I cringed. It makes me envision cells we learned about in biology and bone marrow, the texture of which rakes my nerves. I don't know if you need to use such medical terms... for most people, many words have images or feelings attached, and you have to be careful what you conjure up in people's minds, make sure they feel what you want them to feel when they read your work.
You made me smile. Keep Writing.
Now, I will have to make sure to read your all the poems.
There is nothing to review here as it is perfect.
That was the most beautiful ending lines I have ever seen. The thing how you related the aluminum and gold and glass is just amazing. You are extraordinary. Keep writing.
Your Indefinitely
-Ani
Perhaps this is revealing too much, but my brother was institutionalized for his depression just today, so a poem like this is lovely to see; it's neither a depressive poem drenched in whining angst nor is it something that demeans a very serious issue - for that I applaud you, both in your finesse as a writer and in your empathy as a person.
My favorite lines were surely the first three, but this poem is great throughout.
I'm sorry that this review is lacking in thoroughness, but I hope that I could at least be of some moral support. :]
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
this is an amazing poem! these are such nice things to say to someone. i think just having one person believe those things about you would make such a difference if you were feeling suicidal.
"as for “beautiful” -
I think it’s overused, but
I’d say the aesthetics
of your essence, the
inscriptions on the
caverns of your mind
are lovely."
this is my favourite verse. it's a bit like how people always say 'you're beautiful on the inside', which tends to feel like an insult, but the way you've worded it is lovely. It's just so poetical.
I like the way you've ended it as well in the last verse.
This is a really great poem and I'll be looking out for your poems in the future because this is great!
Helllooooo Indi! Dogs here with your review. Well well well my goodness gracious! Look at this piece of just excellent. You do a wondrous job of using great description words that really add so much strength to your poem. Excellent writing in that regard. A few tiny tiny nit picks I have to offer here, but your writing in this piece is pretty darn good. Let's dive in now shall we?
"aesthetics/of your essence"
Daannngggg! This is when I hopped up on my chair and wanted to do a back flip cause this is just such a great line. Really well done with the description and word choice here. Just observe how much more effective "aesthetics" is compared to "prettiness." Excellent writing here my friend.
"the blood cells in your marrow are courageous"
I'm a tad bit confused as to why you chose to repeat this line twice right after the other in the third stanza I believe. It really breaks the flow that you have going on, the one that I was truly loving so much up until this one point. Certainly fix that bit.
Great great clever word usage for the rest of that stanza, just spot on perfection there. Absolutely love it!
"for distress"
You need a comma after "distress."
"sheen of laceration"
Holy fluffing fudge muffins! Such great wording here, I've rarely encountered a poem with such excellent writing on YWS.
Nice way to end it and bring everything around full circle. Excellent writing here mi amiga! I rarely give out likes to Poems, and I haven't in quite a long time recently, but you sure bought one off me with your excellent writing here. I loved just about every word. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I like how heartfelt an genuine this poem felt. I also liked the comparisons to different types of metals throughout the poem. It made this poem seem different than others of the same genre. The last stanza was definitely my favorite, "Gold is worth more than aluminum," is my favorite line. I feel like its a great like to conclude the poem on.
Well this poem hits home for me, very heartfelt. I enjoyed the overall tone and the genuine feeling that the author cares about the sufferer. Beautifully worded. I like that it isn't the usual cliche phrases and rehearsed words people tend to say to suicidal people such as "things get better, etc". I like it.
My favorite line is "I'm not leaving you alone with what's been shattered", so meaningful.
My experience of chatting up with suicidal people online tells me that a trivial, gradual conversation has a more lasting effect than "C'mon dude, you're awesome! Life is great! Don't kill yourself!" . Maybe cuz the suicidal person has already thought this out and is probably sick of such consolations by then.
This poem had that slow pace and genuine concern that I'm talking about.
You might want to correct the capitalization though. The punctuation is fine. Also, the ending could've been better (but maybe that's just my thinking).
Wow. Did you write that from inspiration or did you get that from somewhere?
Either way, it's really good.