Welcome to the Colosseum. Come and watch
the show: the lights and the entertainment,
the flash. The flesh. This is salt-dusting
to mask the unconventionals.
A carnivorous obsession with the seen,
the temporal, with skinning the meat
to reveal the bones underneath. Erase
the tissue for the sake of “oneness.”
Lose the individual in the shadows
of this starving, bottomless pit
called selfishness. Above all,
secure the shareholders’ bread.
.
But when you ask for conformity
disguised as "contribution," do not expect
consent. The arms engraved with footprints
will remain elastic despite your stretching.
They do not need your plastic veneer
to save their limbs or make them whole.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Indie ^^
So, whereas "Gambler" toed on the line of elaboration - this one toes on the line of vagueness. Simply speaking from my own enjoyment of these pieces, I'd say better the former than the latter. It's all good though, I think we all sort of dance between those lines, I know I sure do.
Generally, when I'm having issues of clarity- I have an internal connection/knowledge of how I want the piece to be perceived. I always find it helpful if something is coming across as cryptic to know what my reader's interpretations are. With that said, I'm going to do a line-by-line of this one. I know a lot of people hate these, but I hope this can be helpful. So!
Opening Line - I love it. I already want to disagree with it/question it -- which is intriguing!
so there's this "welcome to the circus/ welcome to the colosseum" kind of effect here, which I like. Flashes already imply light, so that's redundant. I do like the alliteration flash/flesh there, and the flesh part makes me think of those chariot-races/battle-to-the-death games of old. I'm not sure what that has to do with conventions and virtues though, because chariot-games aren't exactly conventional now-a-days (unless this is a metaphor for something!) and it's certainly not virtuous! It could be that you mean *used to be conventional* -- a reviewer pointed out that there might be satire. I'm not sure in these opening lines, it could be either/or.
? When I think of salt-dusting, I think of spicing something up that's dull in flavor. So, saltiness does "mask" dullness. But if something is unconventional, then it is already not bound by conventions/the usual, so I wouldn't say that the unconventional is dull or needs spice. The unconventional *could* need masking though, like if you're trying to sugar-coat the unconventional, like what propaganda does? But that's different from salt. Also vague here is the word unconventional. Is it applying to laws, to life, to Colosseum practices? We're a couple lines deep without knowledge of what the subject of this poem really is. If the subject is collosseum, we're not sure how it's being elaborated. We're not sure what about the collosseum we're looking at. If the subject is something else, there's no indication of what it is yet.
The poem seems a bit clearer here. I might suggest moving this line before the previous one, so that we might know beforehand what the "unconventional" refers to. I think the carnivorous obsession in this line is referring to unconventionals in the previous line? If such barbarous acts are viewed as unconventional in the speaker's eyes -- and then it follows that with this image of skinning meat and all that -- then we can see how this contrasts with conformity/virtues. Thus, the Colosseum is a metaphor for unconventionality?
I don't like the word "erase" here, it's too vague, I think? Not really indicative of anything. I am not sure if I'm taking the word too literally. Tissue again seems to refer to the skinning in the previous section. I'm wondering if this section is pointing to a spiritual element in contrast to the "temporal" that is mentioned previously, and then likening temporal to Colosseum games. I suppose I can make sense of that, after all, it's not like we still play those colloseum games, so in a sense it is very temporal. (At the same time, the Colosseum building itself still stands. But aside from that, following that train of ideas, I think this section makes more sense to me now writing this review, so the line about the selfishness goes back to the loss of individuals obsessed with carnal games?
The next line of the shareholder's bread is a common symbol for Christ, no?
Your third stanza is where you lose me completely, though.
who is "you" ?
What "contribution" is the speaker referring to?
This stanza feels contrary to the previous lines, too. It seems the voice of a dissenter, against conformity, which goes contrary to the title as well. So then. This /is/ a satire? xD Seems too serious in tone for me to say with any confidence.
The arms/footprints/elastic/veneer -- completely loses me. I'm not sure how those lines are following from the ones previous to it.
I hope this sort of helps and gives you a track of my thought process while reading. Always available if you wish to chat this one out. I'm intrigued :O I wanna know your thoughts!
~ as always, Audy
Hey! Here's what I think:
I could only make out bits and pieces. In the first part of the poem, with the mention of the Colosseum, I could almost picture a gladiatorial combat; ever accompanied by this satirical tone that you maintained throughout this portion:
The satire also seems to be directed at the audience watching this combat and their fascination towards the fighting below (the show).
The poem however, tends to be too cryptic towards the "tip" and "hint" portion. Challenges the senses of the reader. The "shovel" for instance, remains a metaphor rather unexplained. Is there a reason you put it that way?
I liked the lines :
... the glorification of self-sufficiency and the way the narrator is offered assistance but refuses it boldly - but - I can't seem to connect this with the rest of the poem. It looks a little disjoint making the reader wonder what point is being made. There might as well be metaphors at play here but I can't help but be a little confused in a way that I did discern fragments of the poem, but I couldn't have a bird's eye view of it. Being cryptic is a tool that comes in handy, but I'd suggest not to overdo it.
That's all, hope this could help!
-S
Hey there! Kekai, here to review your poem! The first thing that I would like to say is WOW. I really like the way that you seem to be portraying our society as a gladiatorial battle for fame and glory. It's a wonderfully gruesome metaphor, and one all too true.
I really like a lot of the imagery that you're using in this poem. A couple of my favorites are:
"A carnivorous obsession with the seen,/the temporal, with skinning the meat/to reveal the bones underneath."
"Erase the tissue for the sake of “oneness.”
I feel like a lot of the phrasing that you used in here was quite well thought out and beautifully executed.
Now, onto constructive criticism. I was quite confused by the things that you have in parenthesis; I couldn't really tell how it had to do with the poem, even though I reread them a couple of times. I would suggest cutting it, or rephrasing it to make it clearer. Also, I would cut the "Hint:" at the beginning of the second/third verse. I think the "there is healing" is a lot stronger of a beginning.
In all though, this is fantastic! Keep up the great work, and thank you for writing!
Hey Retro here!
I just want to say i adore this poem, so much you got a like!
The use of almost aside like comments is sublime it really gives an idea of almost hidden, yet somewhat obvious, messages. The way you make rhetoric statements and advice within it to the reader also works well as it break the readership pact, thus involving me more. So well done for that. Also the use of liking it to the coliseum is genius, if i have understood the metaphor right. Sort of modern culture and society being almost animalistic with the messages (a poem i have just written containing very similar themes). I don't know why particularly but what makes this poem fantastic is the use of brackets in the middle. I think it really just brings to the poem to life and entices a reader.
One or two thing, however, may need looking at.
1. Salt-dusting. Now i know the intended audience for this is a smarter class of person but i'm not aware of it, (Gosh that sounds big-headed) so maybe find a synonym or another way of creating a similar message...unless it is common and i'm just being thick.
2. unconvientials. I don't think it needs a s on the end but i could be wrong. I don't think it would need to go into the plural in this instance anyway.
Other than that i cannot see anything wrong with this. It is utterly sublime.
Thank you,
and well done.
Keep writing,
~Retro