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(for once i'm at a loss for a title, please help)

by indieeloise


in the style of robert gray

.

god the pacifist cries often

during summer afternoons

my mother the racist gets the two o'clock

blues like clockwork, like the rain

.

they say the people of alabama

can feel it

an hour before it arrives

can see it a hundred miles off

the anticipation so humid

and heavy that the air

is like a dishrag

.

the devil is white

and sometimes he tries to wring out my skin

so that it will forget

its history


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317 Reviews


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Tue Jul 22, 2014 1:31 pm
lostthought says...



Hmm, title ideas:

Devil's Rain

Alabama Showers

Clockwork Tears

God's Tears

Etc.




indieeloise says...


Thanks for your input!



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Tue Jul 22, 2014 3:20 am
Skydreamer says...



I think if you want to go for an attention grabber "the devil is white" could be an option. You could also go with "history" or "summer afternoons" or "shameless" I dunno where that last one came from but I'm not sure how else to describe it in a title. I love it though! So much I can't review it, I'm not familiar with this type of poetry so I'd be no help. It's great though!

<3,
Skydreamer




indieeloise says...


Thanks so much for your input dreamy!! <3



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Sat Jul 19, 2014 4:52 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Enjambment combined with lack of capitalization makes for a very subtle yet profound impact on readers.

I have no criticisms because there is none to give. This poem is powerful and simple at the same time and I am in awe of how you were able to do that.
I don't know what rain has to do with racism but I like the connection you made between the two.
My favorite lines:

my mother the racist gets the two o'clock
blues like clockwork, like the rain

I love this line because of the repetition of the word, "like," in both similes, and their proximity to each other. I have no idea why, but I love that; it has a certain lyrical ring to it that I can't describe.

[quote]and sometimes he tries to wring out my skin
so that it will forget
its history[quote]
There was a slam poem that had a line like this and it gives me goosebumps every time I read it. It's haunting and beautiful and sad all at the same time.
This is a great poem, so I will give you nine stars out of ten.
Maybe next time add a little more detail. That's all I can think of to critique.






Also, for a title, I'd do something like "History," or "Anticipation," or something. Only because I'm a fan of poems whose titles are within the actual poem.



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Sat Jul 19, 2014 2:02 am
ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



Normally, I don't like everything being lowercase, but this poem doesn't look so bad after looking at it, but I would uppercase names of people and places like "alabama." There is another thing I want to point out.

"god, the pacifist, cries often"

"my mother, the racist, gets the two o'clock"

Those are it as far I'm concerned. This is still good.





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