A/N: First attempt at prose poetry. The margins of this are formatted differently than I have it in my Word document. Hoping to submit this for the Patricia Grodd Poetry Prize; deadline is November 30, 2013. Please be honest in your reviews! Spoken word recording.
*Currently being edited. I will post the revised version at a later time.*
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey Indie,
You have some great narration here that really illustrates the struggle of faith, the fear of failing but also a sense of the love of it too. Your reading of this by the way was absolutely fantastic. I read it, and I thought "okay" but when I heard it, I was much more moved.
I think Karz did a great job sort of extrapolating where this disconnect is happening as far as reading this on the page. Your turn of phrasings and cadence is fine. I'm personally okay with the flow of it <<soundwise>> but I agree with K about how the flow of this <<idea-wise>> is a lot to take in. I think the main revising that needs to be done is to make it more intimate with the reader, as it's all a bit distant.
I was looking at some of the contest entries' previous winners, and one of the things that they all have in common is that it is all <<scene>>, words that take place in a specific time and place with specific people, specific emotions, and specific ideas that makes it all the more accessible to the reader. Clarity and specificity is what you'll need to aim for.
More of this:
and less of this:
It might be a good start to kill your darlings and only preserve the lines and pieces that you absolutely cannot delete/cut away. Once you've gathered your gems, maybe try to think back towards that moment that has inspired you to write this piece. Does that make sense? Don't write about the /emotions/ you get from the moment -- write about THE MOMENT -- what were you doing, what were you wearing, who were you with, what did things smell like, taste like, feel like, what were you saying, how is that moment important -- and then when you jot those things down, find out what is poetic about it. You've a good eye, so you'll see it. If you write about that moment well enough -- then the emotions itself will pour out of it.
Does that make sense? A moment stabs us -- but the description of the emotions /about/ a moment is diluting the intimacy of the moment itself. We tell stories and poems to be connected to a moment in time from other people's perspectives and point of views. It's the difference between telling vs. showing. Put us into that moment so that we can feel right along with you.
If you look at "Full Blood" on that site -- notice how the poem is about an actual person -- it describes that person, her history, her appearance, her character -- it describes the moment when the narrator realizes something's wrong, and only then are the emotions interspersed.
This poem is lovely, it just needs to stay grounded. Talk about Jesus the person by making him a person, giving him a character, a context in your point of view. Or maybe you've seen Jesus by seeing him through another person! The fact that I don't know the specifics of what happened in this poem means that it's not specific enough.
Let the scene speak for itself, have the ideas be seasoned in -- don't let the ideas take over the entire poem.
Hope this helps! But let me know if you have any questions and if you want to chat this one up. Revising for contests can be a tough cookie.
~ Audy
Hey there. Ok, so prose poetry. Why prose poetry? Not that there is anything wrong with prose poetry, but why not normal free verse?
Now the actual poem. You know, for all the really cool bits in here, I'm really not feeling it. You have some cool images and some nifty techniques and stuff, but what really lets it down is structure, and your predilection for pathos.
First, structure. The problem is lack of any obvious thread tying it all together. Slam and prose poetry are similar in that they have to be somewhat fluid and seamless. The pace at which they are spoken/read necessitates that they are easy to follow in terms of thematic development. We're really missing that here. Look:
Four distinct sections, each one transitioning into the next with all the smoothness of someone who has never driven stick before. Clunk clunk clunk. Add, remove, or change. Just do something to string them together. You have stacks of varied images in here, and that can be cool, but it's a hell of a lot to put all together. Maybe focus on just a handful, and string them throughout the whole thing. If I read this today then came back and looked at it again in six months I wouldn't even remember it. It's just an overload of information. Yeah, all the images are great and all, but what's the point of a great image if it's not doing anything other than being a great image? Be merciless. Kill your darlings. Cut out every image that isn't 110% vital, then rework whatever you have left into something with real life. You feel me?
Second, pathos pathos pathos. This isn't just you, it's a habit of a lot of contemporary poets, especially those of the slam inclination. Pathos can be great, and part of what separates poetry from other types of writing is heightened emotional content, but again, overload. Dumping that much heartstring-tugging mush on me all at once just makes me go 'eh' by the end. It's like pepper; a bowl of pasta tastes better with a bit of pepper on it. A whole bowl of pepper is inedible. Use your emotional sucker punches sparingly, and only where they're going to be most effective.
Ok so it's a good start, but to have a shot at winning the contest it will need some serious work.
K.
Well, I certainly applaud you for your audacity in submitting one of your works in a contest of any sort. I know it took a lot of nerve for me to try it.
The only thing is that this sort of just ran all together so that you couldn't tell what was beginning, middle or end. There was no real subject here, as far as I could tell. The fact that it continuously flowed and didn't pin-point a subject made it hard to connect with the poem, though the prose you used was magnificent. I didn't feel a very strong emotion while I was reading this.
And your tenses were a bit mixed up as well. I can tell you were going for the present tense vibe, which is hard enough if you don't use it regularly. There are certain ways you have to phrase a sentence if you want to use present tense. Like this sentence would have made more sense if rephrased:"Sometimes Eden echoes in my thoughts, this throbbing repeat of longing." that sentence doesn't fit with the present tense theme. Though, you did use the right words, it was just structurally worded incorrectly. Try this: "Eden sometimes echoes this throbbing repeat of longing in my thoughts." You see what I did there? Same thing, just reworded.
Nevertheless, this is a grand poem and I think it has real potential to win!
I actually prefer the first phrasing to the rewording. It's really about maintaining a style and cadence, which I think she did well. The running together aspect is unfortunately true on a first read, but I would mostly attribute that to the fact that it has to be in paragraph form.
Amazing!