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swimming.

by indieeloise


I am swimming in a sea of youth

 

Rain falls on this ocean,

Not only precipitation, but also rain of divulgence, 

of revelations formerly unknown

 

Take a breath and hold it,

or else you’ll drown from the pressured conformity.


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19 Reviews


Points: 810
Reviews: 19

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Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:15 pm
JayShay wrote a review...



I love how you allow us to see the story, I love the message it portrays to people to swim to avoid being like everyone else, I hate conforming in society because I am no average Joe and I try my hardest to be me despite how hard the pressure is, this is what message I get from this, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but that's what I get from it lol




indieeloise says...


Yep that's what I was going for! Haha thank you.



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16 Reviews


Points: 678
Reviews: 16

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Thu Dec 20, 2012 12:53 pm
Nyl wrote a review...



Beautiful. Your metamorphic ways of crafting those words made the piece lively. That was quite short and I wanted to read more! You made me miss writing!

I personally love every line.




indieeloise says...


Thank you very much!



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30 Reviews


Points: 520
Reviews: 30

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Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:37 am
constantia wrote a review...



Gosh, what a lovely piece of poetry.

I love the rather symbolic relationship you made between the weight of the ocean and the weight, the "pressure" of fitting-in in the teen years. The deeper you go, the heavier it gets and the less likely you are of being able to swim up quickly for a breath.

I read this over a couple of times, and each time with a new perspective (or trying to). Each time I saw rain as a different being, and it was perfect. I wish I had something more of use to give you, some kind of constructive criticism, but I'm not very well adept at critiquing poetry. And I may be biased to the "beauty in simplicity" idea.

Though, feel free to message me if you have any more new works. I'd love to give them a read.

xo gummies.




indieeloise says...


Thank you so much for your support!



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6 Reviews


Points: 549
Reviews: 6

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Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:13 am
LadyLazarus wrote a review...



This was refreshingly simplistic. It reminds me of e.e. cummings and his smaller poems. The message is clear and understandable--gathered from "divulgence" "youth" and "conformity"--but it's also cleverly put. I like how you relate teenagehood to a body of water--you either tread water, or you drown.

Since I have to point something out to make it a review :) The only line I do not feel completely satisfied reading is "not only precipitation, but also rain of divulgence." I think it does fit, but rather like one of those puzzle pieces that has the general shape of the space you want to fill, but it's just a little too large or small, just a little different. The change would be up to you.

But over all, wonderful.




indieeloise says...


I know exactly what you mean by the puzzle being a little too big; I will work to tweak that. Thank you!




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