I am swimming in a sea of youth
Rain falls on this ocean,
Not only precipitation, but also rain of divulgence,
of revelations formerly unknown
Take a breath and hold it,
or else you’ll drown from the pressured conformity.
I love how you allow us to see the story, I love the message it portrays to people to swim to avoid being like everyone else, I hate conforming in society because I am no average Joe and I try my hardest to be me despite how hard the pressure is, this is what message I get from this, I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but that's what I get from it lol
Beautiful. Your metamorphic ways of crafting those words made the piece lively. That was quite short and I wanted to read more! You made me miss writing! I personally love every line.
Gosh, what a lovely piece of poetry.I love the rather symbolic relationship you made between the weight of the ocean and the weight, the "pressure" of fitting-in in the teen years. The deeper you go, the heavier it gets and the less likely you are of being able to swim up quickly for a breath.I read this over a couple of times, and each time with a new perspective (or trying to). Each time I saw rain as a different being, and it was perfect. I wish I had something more of use to give you, some kind of constructive criticism, but I'm not very well adept at critiquing poetry. And I may be biased to the "beauty in simplicity" idea.Though, feel free to message me if you have any more new works. I'd love to give them a read.xo gummies.
This was refreshingly simplistic. It reminds me of e.e. cummings and his smaller poems. The message is clear and understandable--gathered from "divulgence" "youth" and "conformity"--but it's also cleverly put. I like how you relate teenagehood to a body of water--you either tread water, or you drown. Since I have to point something out to make it a review The only line I do not feel completely satisfied reading is "not only precipitation, but also rain of divulgence." I think it does fit, but rather like one of those puzzle pieces that has the general shape of the space you want to fill, but it's just a little too large or small, just a little different. The change would be up to you.But over all, wonderful.
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