Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
*A/N: Italics represent lyrics from Bon Iver's "Re: Stacks."
today is kumran.
.
Searching for water, phase one: break
ground on dried clay. Sift the redness
of its element, the well of its contradiction.
Detox. Drink chlorine from the sink
till you blink slower than your throat
can swallow. Forget immediate relief.
Wake up behind the sun.
.
Searching for answer(s), phase two: wade
through pale paged archives of the skin
underneath. Track the footprints
where you blinked and the earth almost swallowed
you whole, between stale vomit and Point B.
Count the steps to the bathroom cabinet
from where you stand now.
.
You’ve held the roll of paper towels
in your back pocket all along; grab
the bottle of Mr. Clean. Lather, rinse,
repeat.
.
everything that happens is from now on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi..!!
The first thing about this poem, which appealed to me, was that it stands out from the rest as far as the background and topic of the poem goes.
It's easy to understand and you don't have to read it over and over to understand it's true meaning.
And the last line - " Hand me a paper towel - I don't owe anyone
anything" .. sums up the entire poem.
Hi there! I'm Marde here to make a review on this very review day!
First off, this poem was slightly interesting, but from my point of view... very difficult and hard to understand. I didn't get most of this poem. I don't even think it is written in a poem-like way. It is really deep and it creates tension, which it is good, but it confuses the reader when they keep reading along.
"A month ago, I dug a well into the dried clay
of my soul; searching for water, I keep coming up
with rocks.
I am finding contradiction in my DNA - I detox.
Drink water from the sink before I fall asleep.
Wake up behind the sun. My body
has forgotten about immediate relief."
Great way to start! I think this is the only two stanzas that I get. I have to point out what @TheMessenger said... That paragraph really says what I'm thinking.
"So this poem to me was weird. i thought it somewhat interesting of the searching my soul theme, and bringing in the excavation was a pretty cool idea, and it worked great. But the whole thing just kind of grossed me out.
I would wait for more reviews before even considering what mine says; and keep writing good."
Well, I hope that this review helps you at some point. Please keep writing and getting better!
Keep up the good work!
~Marde!
Hello there!
I really enjoyed this poem, it was attractive since it's truly a unique poem. Just a few notes, though. The poem reads very oddly. Instead of being smooth or easy to read through, it lurches and is choppy. I actually had to read through it a few times for it to be able to make more sense. It also is very off putting when you change the styles and the rhyming scheme with new stanzas. I would suggest maybe reformatting the poem a bit.
You have lovely imagery for this poem, though! Your lines, especially "I searched my archives..." were beautifully written. The only thing I would change is that list that you added in. It makes it feel like something other than poetry, maybe a short blurb from a novel or short story.
All in all, beautiful work. I can't wait to see more from you!
+221B
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
First off, I don't know who Bon Iver is, but I liked this poem.
You had great imagery, and though the flow was a little jerky in parts.
Example:
"I've searched my archives, but I couldn't find a poem
with the answer to why stale vomit
is so appealing. Guess I'm still
trying to figure that one out, but here
are the things I know in this moment:"
The sentence alignment felt weird when I read through it, but that may just be me.
This is the biggest thing I didn't like:
"1. I am not a bitch.
2. Mr. Clean is in the bathroom cabinet, three feet away."
That just totally didn't feel like poetry there. You could have worked that into lines somehow.
Otherwise good job, and hope this helps!
Knight Malachi here to Review for Review Day.
So I don't know who Bon Iver is (please don't pound if he is famous") So this poem to me was weird. i thought it somewhat interesting of the searching my soul theme, and bringing in the excavation was a pretty cool idea, and it worked great. But the whole thing just kind of grossed me out.
I would wait for more reviews before even considering what mine says; and keep writing good.
Very cool! I love Bon Iver, so props for writing a poem on that, and the poem itself had me completely enthralled. Nice work! My favorite line was that last one:
"Hand me a paper towel--I don't owe anyone anything."
Haha, very nice! Great poem!!!