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140,121 Literary Works • 673,021 Reviews
Hey Indie,
I absolutely love the voice and the earnestness in your piece -- I think I might say that about all of your pieces though? It's something very consistent in all of them, there's a style that is uniquely your own, so much so, that I could probably pick out one of your pieces from anonymous ones.
The cool thing about this piece is that you start off with a sort of hook that engages the reader right into the narrative/storytelling aspect of this piece, which I thought was enjoyable, there's a lot of character in that.
This part here disrupted the poem for me, I think it's because I'm wondering if you're saying that the boy's eyes find the speaker's mouth? It's grammatically correct but it just sounds awkward when read -- it's one of those things where you hear "finds" in your head, even though that's the incorrect way of saying it xD Maybe "deep brown eyes that follow" might work better? Your choice.
But then again, I'm left wondering -- if he is looking in the direction of the speaker then he must have already noticed her, why point out that he doesn't notice her?
The only other thing I would comment about is the third and sixth impressions, simply because I'm not too familiar with it, I'm wondering if it's an actual phrase that people say, or you just arbitrarily chose those numbers? In either case, interesting, because each stanza reveals a new aspect of the speaker as well
Keep up the good work!
~ as always, Audy
Hello! I read angel83's comment, and I do want to say that I hold a different opinion. I know in writing that you definitely want to be as specific as possible, and in poetry it is often no different. Poems are one of the most personal types of writing, and I often find that these little tidbits of information make it all the more intimate and truthful. They paint a solid picture in people's minds, and help deveop your theme. I think angel83 is right in that it may not be as timeless as something else with less specifics, but really you are writing for today, yourself and the world as they are here and now, right? Really it is up to you and what you relate to and want others to relate to. If you want to focus on abtract emotions that will always be timeless, then go ahead. I think having little details such as "Easter" and the times are good as well.
Now, as I read this, your transformation of ideals did seem a *bit* rushed to me, especially at the part where you mention "Hannah." As a reader, I don't know who "Hannah" is. Is it a reference to something that other readers might know of? Then I think it is probably fine, if maybe a little too unknown.
But is it someone only you would know about? If it is the latter, then you might want to consider elaborating upon her more or mentioning in the first (or, uh, third? XD) part of the poem or make up a totally new part for her explaining who she is and how she affected you.
I do like what you did what your numbered stanzas. That was really clever, and has the potentiol, I think, to add so many different meanings to the poem.
Overall, I really like this. It has a wonderful theme, (that I, uh, totally agree with, by the way! XD) and nice imagery and words. It's just that it is a bit rushed and confusing to read because you do not develop it enough.
Keep writing this. ^^
Okay I'll review you today. That was okay for the purpose i am lead to believe you wrote it for, but it would only work for you. If i read this in a poetry book 100 years from now it would make no sense to me. You should try using less specific adjectives to give it a timeless feel and make it so anyone can feel the emotion in it and relate to it, not just you. You shouldn't use names or classes because no one will understand that. It was slightly hard to follow but that is mostly because of what i already said. The last stanza is the highlight of the whole poem. Try writing the entire thing like that. Keep writing!