Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

Intoxicated by you

by brookeallo


You know who you are. 

The boy that breaks my heart constantly.

My first love,

the one I will never escape from.

Something about you,

made me fall.

Two years have passed,

and I don't think I am getting up at all. 

My bruised,

and broken knees continue to sting,

as I lay flat on the earth.

Just wishing that my legs,

were strong enough to support me. 

Wishing my mind could be sane enough.

For if it was,

I would run,

until you were just a faded outline in front of the overbearing sun.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
188 Reviews


Points: 6116
Reviews: 188

Donate
Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:22 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor JadeLotus here to review your poem. Your title caught my attention and I read it earlier. Blah, blah, blah, here we are! I'll be going through this line-by-line. Let's go!



You know who you are.

The boy that breaks my heart constantly.

My first love,

My first suggestion, please add stanzas, it will help reading and flow immensely. Also, watch the syllable count, I would deem it all over the place. But for the words themselves: Yes! This is already deep and relatable and I love how you've hooked me in already.

You were my first love, sounds better with your rhythm than my first love. But that's just a personal style suggestion.

Something about you,

made me fall.

Two years have passed,

and I don't think I am getting up at all.


Now you're rhyming? I can see in in the first few lines but this is choppy and almost off. But the words are deep and meaningful, the metaphors on fleek.


My bruised,

and broken knees continue to sting,

as I lay flat on the earth.

Just wishing that my legs,

were strong enough to support me.

Wishing my mind could be sane enough.

For if it was,

I would run,

until you were just a faded outline in front of the overbearing sun.

OVERALL:

This is a great poem. Please just watch the count and for misplaced commas, etc. I love the ending and keep up the amazing work. Also, maybe word this a bit better?

I really hope this helped.

-Professor JadeLotus-




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 300
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sat Jun 01, 2019 1:02 am
View Likes
demoncat wrote a review...



This poem kinda reminds me if my elementary school love life. It is really relatable and could fit so many situations. I love your wording. And you added just the right amount of angst. I could just read this over and over it is so great. I can kinda see little hints and glimpses of the characters with the way that you wrote the end. It helps the reader imagine how the poem came to unfold. And that is precious. This poem is precious. I overall love this. It's really fun and gets the reader emotional at the same time.



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


Thankyou so much !



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Thu May 30, 2019 8:49 am
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start.

So there was only one thing I saw in this poem that really needed to be fixed. Now before I tell you, you don't need to agree with me, if you don't like the idea then you don't need to do it.
Now I think you need to put some of your lines into paragraphs, it will help with the flow of the poem. Now if you don't know hoe to space your lines into paragraphs because they wont stay were they need to be, then this is what I do.
I press enter, then I go ... then press enter, and keep writing. And that's all you need to do.

Other than that this poem was great, and I just loved reading it. I could feel all the emotion in it, that you had pored into your words so well, that it came across into your reader.
I also think your punctuation was perfect, it helped with the flow so well, in a way it made the words you had picked, flow together like water.
Talking about your words, I really like the once you picked, they were a great choice.

Over all I think your poem was really well done, and I couldn't have written it any better. I'm glad I had the time to read and review your work, I hope you will keep writing, and will keep posting on YWS. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


Thankyou for the review!





Your welcome.



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 381
Reviews: 5

Donate
Thu May 30, 2019 12:17 am
WildLEYJustice wrote a review...



Hey. A little new at this so I hope that you won’t mind my poor review. Anyway, feel glad that you’re like my first work to ever review.
So what do I have to say? Um, well....I think this was really GREAT! Its really relatable and I’ve gone through this so many times that I’m glad that someone has made this into a poem. I think you did a phenomenal job. A little suggestions though....I don’t know, maybe like try to make it rhyme more. Its good the way it is, but it would’ve been better with more rhyming. That’s all. Look, you dont have to change it. ITS GOOD THE WAY IT IS. It’s just that I think you’re supposed to do some suggestions and stuff so thats what I’m trying to do. I doubt I’m doing it right though.
Well, yeah. I heart this and I’ll definitely check out more of your work.



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


Thankyou so much!!!!




Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln