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Finished

by brookeallo


I am a woman.

I have scars,

littering my body,

engraved in my heart.

I gave it all to a boy,

who didn't even love me to start.

I believed all his lies,

and that's why it hurt.

I really thought that this could possibly work.

We could be more,

years together,

but months apart.

I’m finally trying to move on.

Calling me up out of the blue,

maybe I should answer you?

Could you have changed?

Could it really be true?

I realize now that I’m the dumb one,

For falling for you.

Those nights I could barely breathe,

and the tears that soaked my sheets,

curled in my ball,

screams echoing off the wall.

my bloody wrists,

a sign of it all.

If i carved your name onto my body,

you couldn’t possibly leave.

It was a game,

all along,

and I didn’t realize that.

The love I thought was there blinded me to the core,

and I couldn’t see how toxic you were anymore. 

Stages of grief,

long gone and lost.

Now I'm so mad,

I need to break you,

down into pieces,

so you can feel,

The way i felt,

Like dirt on the ground,

Being walked on whenever you needed me there.

You have another girl,

You always did

You never cared. 


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Points: 60
Reviews: 1

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Wed Dec 04, 2019 12:47 am
LexxMorgan wrote a review...



Let me start off by saying this poem beautifully captures the tragedy of loving someone who doesn't love you, someone who should love you but doesn't put in the effort to. Reading how the narrator deals with this heartbreak and self harm is so powerful. I loved the rhyme scheme and how you painted the picture of being used and played and the toll it slowly takes on one.

Personally, I would love to read more into the how hard it was being in this situation, i.e. how he acted (distant, half-hearted responses, etc.)

I can understand exactly how hard things like this are and how hard it is to recover from them. This is a beautiful piece and I look forward to seeing more of your works!
Keep on keeping on and amazing job!

Much love, Alexa.



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brookeallo says...


Thanks



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1246 Reviews


Points: 57772
Reviews: 1246

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Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:26 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

I really loved how descriptive your story was. The narration did an incredible job leading us through this story, pointing out details that helped narrow down the scenario from which this poem was inspired. In fact, I love how it started out with a relatable idea of being a woman with scars, and the beautiful way the entire piece leads into such an awesome reveal at the end about the story's main problem was really just very cool.

I think the punctuation got a little distracting, mainly commas being used that weren't needed. Commas are generally used for pauses, but if you have a line break, the comma might not be needed. In your case, this happens frequently since the poem itself revolves around a narrative, so proper punctuation would probably do this piece justice simply so it's easier to read.

For much of this point, you had some great rhymes/slant rhymes that really helped the flow of this piece. The rhythm was just fun to read, making this story ring even better in my head. In fact, this part:

I believed all his lies,

and that's why it hurt.

I really thought that this could possibly work.


This was among my favorite segments to read. Super strong wording, theme, and rhythm here.

It was interesting how the poem mentioned the stages of grief were gone, and then the speaker said they were mad instead. I'm pretty sure anger is one of the stages of grief, so I don't think that entirely checks out, but it IS a relatable emotion in this kind of scenario. I also feel like the piece dwelled a lot on the heartbreak of the situation, and the twist at the end into anger was pretty quick and didn't dwell too long on it. I think some foreshadowing into the speaker's emotions could potentially support the anger at the end or perhaps some rewording to help make it seem less jarring of an emotional turn.

Overall, though, it was a really good piece. The progression of this narrative was just really awesome, with that final reveal at the end leaving it such a heart-stopper. You did a great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!



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brookeallo says...


thankyou



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26 Reviews


Points: 497
Reviews: 26

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Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:10 pm
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



This poem was fantastic. It was realistic and all together well written. You put so much effort into making this realistic and show how much some girls go through after a break-up, it's incredible. You don't change subjects, you stay on the right path the whole poem and never get sidetracked, it's amazing.



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


thankyouuu%uD83D%uDE04




You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer