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The aftermath or you leaving

by brookeallo


It hurts.

Not in the way that a wound stings.

or in the way that a child scrapes there knee.

It hurts in the inside.

It hurts all of me.

The pain has suddenly become unbearable.

I find it hard to breathe.

My mind is full of chaos.

My heart a void of all life.

I cry in bed.

The worst type of cries.

Muffled up in sheets.

Silent tears beginning to stream.

I tell myself I am strong,

but oh this feels so weak.

The pain I feel it hurts as if 

I will never be okay. 

With every tear

I wonder of what becomes of me.

As I lay 

Strangled up in sheets.

Every part of who I am,

slowly leaving me. 


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61 Reviews


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Sun Apr 14, 2019 7:32 pm
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello, I'm fantastically here to review your beautiful Masterpiece of a poem.

Okay, so first I'm going to start with the overall point, which means I'm going to go point out what I liked about it.

I like the rhythm you did in this masterpiece, not rhyme, the rhythm. So I just want to say good job on that. On the first two stanzas or lines of your poem I could really get the feeling of what your poem was really about. While I was reading this masterpiece I got stuck on a few sentences that needed to be fixed. So let's get through that shall we...

Okay so in the beginning of the poem there was one sentence that had a grammar issue. In line 3 of this poem The there you used should be their.


In line four the in should be on.

In line fifteen, I'm pretty sure the sentence would sound better if you wouldn't said but oh this feels so weak. Maybe instead of that you should have said, but oh I feel so weak.


That's all honestly, because in the rest of the poem I didn't really find anything wrong with it. Thank you for letting me review this.

From your clumsy and curious little friend,

OofOof1




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104 Reviews


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Sun Apr 14, 2019 9:26 am
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey! Che here for a quick review!

Firstly, I will highlight any areas in which I believe may need a little improving :-)

or in the way that a child scrapes there knee

I should be "their" and I really recommend you polish up your knowledge on that kind of grammar as it is essential!

It hurts in the inside.

It should really be "on" the inside

but oh this feels so weak

You really don't need the "oh" here as it takes away from the rather formal nature of the poem.

The pain I feel it hurts as if

You don't really need that "it" here

I wonder of what becomes of me.

You don't really need the first "of" here

slowly leaving me.

Personally, I think this would have more impact if you took off "me"

Strangled up in sheets.

Personally, this would make more sense as either "Tangled up in sheets" or "Strangled by sheets"

Also, be careful that you capitalise every line and not just some as it can become quite annoying if there are a few that aren't capitalised!

Woah, this was such an emotive poem. I could really feel the raw emotion that went into the making of this poem! I liked that it was free verse, and I liked the structure as it really reflected the pain you felt!

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)



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brookeallo says...


Thankyou so much for reviewing and I will try to edit it soon. :)



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114 Reviews


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Sun Apr 14, 2019 5:41 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I think this is such a nicely-written poem! You were able to convey a lot of emotion through these lines, and I felt all of it. Even in the first line... just two words could already set a mood for the readers before reading through the rest of it.

Just a couple typos...
In line 3, it should be "their", not "there". In line 19, you can cut the "of" after "I wonder". For the ideas of tje lines themselves, I would recommend looking through lines 4 and 5. Its kind of repetitive because both times, you're saying "It hurts all of me". So, maybe you can just cut out the one of those lines. Lastly, in line 3, since the previous line ended in a period, you should begin the next line with a capital O, or you can cut the period in the previous line to combine the two. Up to you.

Anyway, that's all I found. Other than those, each line flowed together to create imagery, so great job on that!



Random avatar
brookeallo says...


Thankyou so much and I will try to edit it soon.:)




The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown