It's falling away
Particles so small
I try to hold it but it escapes
It doesn't want to be with me
I try to plead with it with water
From my eyes
In the hopes
That it will solidify and stay
The loose sand of self esteem
But the powerful gust of wind
Coming from others
Is too strong for it.
It leaves me
Broken than ever
The few particles I have
Are also fading away
I try to evade the wind
Of other's powers
So that I too can create mine
And suck the sand back
But the gust of wind of some others
Is too strong for me to even focus
On my work.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi there! Here to leave a short review. Be warned I'm not the best poet, but recently I've developed an interest in poetry so I thought I'd review some pieces.
First off! The meaning of this poem was easily understood, and yet still left room for the mind to wander and for an individual to apply the meaning to their own life. The analogy of shifting sand that's blown by the wind represents for me personally how hard it is to remain steadfast when the troubles of life keep trying to wash you away, if you will. This poem is thought provoking.
One thing I noticed is that your...pacing, if you will, is a bit choppy. It is hard to keep with the rhythm of the poem when the lines are cut so short. I personally would try to match the syllables in a distinguishable pattern if you want to make this piece flow better. It doesn't have to rhyme by any means. In fact, I don't like rhyming poems that much. But simply matching the syllables and keeping to a pattern helps the poem seem much smoother.
I think poetry is one of those things that are a little subjective, so there's definitely room to be original. That's one of the things I love about poetry. Don't be afraid to branch out and try new techniques! This poem was in interesting read and I was glad to leave a short review. Good luck with your writing!
Thanks for the review!
Hey, Rosewood here! 🌹
Just stopping by for a short review, I'll give you my input, but feel free to ignore what you don't find helpful.
I'll start by saying I agree with silented1's comment, the two "It's" isn't needed.
Secondly, this might be just me, but the wording feels a little clunky. This could go either way though, one positive and one negative. I like that "I try to hold it but it escapes" and "I try to plead with it with water" have the same theme with the repeated word in each line. But since this method isn't used again, it kind of takes away from the rhythm.
Ouch, this really resonated with me! I really like the metaphors you used with the sand and wind, which created loose images in my mind. And I think it was a good idea to reflect back to them throughout the work.
Again, I like the way you give us this conclusion that perfectly sums up the message you were giving. Personally, it left me feeling almost hollow, which in a way, is definitely better than if I were still cheery. Beautiful.
Thanks for the review!
Remove the second "it's" in the first two lines.
Thanks !