Boris Elton Humphrey [esquire]
Boris Elton Humphrey is a likable fellow. Doesn't delve into other people's business. In fact, he's considered a hermit of sorts. Never married though he's viewed as handsome. Of course he's now in his late seventies, bald, wrinkled like a prune and his elbows are always thrust back grasshopper-like.
But hey! His personality makes up for that. After all, he is quite willing to share his material possessions with any woman who might accept him. Of course his possessions don't amount to much more than a decrepit cot and some second-hand clothing and books, but that should be no problem for a gal who loves sincerity over material things.
Furthermore, Boris is certainly sincere. He will tell the gal right off that he has false teeth and a chronic incurable halitosis to go with them capable of wilting flowers. So no surprises there. He also will confidently and honestly reveal that he is double-groin herniated and unable to hoist heavy groceries lest he wind up in ER with entangled intestines. But hey! Any gal with a sturdy back will not mind at all. In fact, it might appeal to her as-yet unexpressed maternal instincts.
Additionally, Boris is also very forthright about how he feels. True, part of it is due to his Tourrets tendency to shout out obscenities at full blast in public. But if one listens carefully, one will note that he whispers profound truths between each obscenity which makes putting up with it very worthwhile for the woman who is seeking an educated, philosophically-inclined gent.
His posture isn't the ideal of course, and some might consider him as hunchbacked as Notre Dame. However, when viewed from certain angles and if the lighting is just right, why, he sometimes seems almost handsome. Especially if the gal has eyesight problems. Then that shouldn't be a problem at all.
In short, Boris is the ideal man. Any takers?
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Fantastic work. It does what it's trying to do really well, and it was a very entertaining read. I especially love the [esquire] add-in, and your descriptions are specific enough to be hilarious without seeming like you're trying too hard.
I've got a couple of things that might improve it just a smidge. First of all, I've heard that comedy comes in threes, and I love the recurring "But hey!" so I would do it a third time, possibly in the second-to-last paragraph instead of "However."
"He will tell the gal right off that he has false teeth and a chronic incurable halitosis to go with them capable of wilting flowers" was a little confusing to me. I had to read it a few more times before I figured out that "to go with them" meant 'to go with the false teeth.' It's up to you how to rework the sentence, though, since I'm not sure what wording would be best. Maybe just erase the "to go with them?" I think it works that way.
Hope this helped! I loved the piece, and please consider writing sequels (possibly a Boris-centric story??).
Only nitpick:
I loved it. I will take Boris, for he is the man every woman wants. He has his faults, but hey! At least he's honest about it. :p
I like how you described his features, the unattractive ones, of course. I love how you brought out the humor. Absolutely top-notch.
Good read. Do write more.
Cheers.
Thanks for the review. I will let Boris know about your acceptance.