Heaven is you, secure in my arms,
Eva, my love, your charms
Are the essence of my dreams. Your
Virtues the paradise I longed. The promised
Eden I had always sought but had never attained
Now is mine. I am alive again.
Hold still in the sanctuary of my embrace.
Eternal haven from the harrowing tempest
Assailing you from without. No more need of shouts of distress.
Virgin beauty of my desire, admired and blessed,
Enter my kingdom and reign with queenly grace
Now and forever. It is your place.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Alright!
I've really enjoyed a lot of your acrostics popping up in the Green Room. This is in part because I've only ever seen acrostics as that meaningless thing I had to do in elementary school, so thank you so much for helping me understand this medium a little better! You pull off the style really well!
I think you did an AMAZING job with this one. That went from sweet to creepy really fast. I especially liked that the last two lines were so concise. Such an abrupt ending had a sort of horror-ish feel. I also thought that including the name Eva added to the creep factor after I read the second stanza, so great job! Those little details really pack a punch!
There were just a few bits with the rhythm that bugged me a little, even though I don't think you were going for a strict meter here. The second to last line felt like it had just one too many syllables or something. I kept skipping the word "a" when I reread it.
Overall very good job! That twist caught me off guard.
Good luck with your writing!
Legacy here for a review.
I love the concept that Heaven is the place in the title you are referring to. Imma be all over in this review from the order in which I pointed things out while reading. Beware.
A weird wording in my opinion (it might just be me though) is "Hold still in the sanctuary of my embrace." I would personally reword it to say "Hold on to the sanctuary of my embrace." but grammatically you aren't incorrect either.
Also the word "queenly" seems off putting to me. I would find another word personally or just completely remove it as personally I think that you could put something along the lines of "reign with your grace".
Instead of saying "Now is mine" I personally would say "Now it's mine" as I think it needs an "it" for some reason, but the way you have it is also grammatically correct. I also recommend having a comma instead of a period in the line above because these two lines are connected. It seems harsh to have "now is mine" all as its own sentence because it isn't a full sentence at all, it is only a fragment.
Hopefully I was helpful and not too harsh. Let me know and keep writing. Legacy out.
Thanks for the review. I agree with the fragment and full sentence typo.
Being new to writing acrostics I find the need to capitalize the first letters of each line distracting. But I should have checked it. Thanx for pointing that out. I will also give serious consideration to all the other tips.