Father and step-mother are gone. Gone early this morning to the political rally. Left me lying in bed running a high fever. If I could get up, I would eat to satisfy my hunger. If I could rise, I would drink to satisfy my thirst. As I slowly roast in the tropical heat, I wonder why I am here and why I ever had such high expectations because of being his only son. It is midnight now and I hear their voices. They find me here, exactly where they left me. Strange how both seem extremely surprised I am still alive.
Drabble = 100 word short stories
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140,182 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Really great... a little dark, maybe. I do really like how you left most things for the reader to imagine. I hope it never happened to you!
two minor things:
1) "Father and step-mother are gone. Gone early this morning... "
repetition in the word 'gone'. maybe instead, you could say "...have been gone since early this morning" instead
2) "Left me lying in bed..."
I get it in context, but instead, maybe "they left me lying in bed"
Good job containing this to only 100 words
Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.
Whoa! Did not see that coming.
I like the structure. The format of the story is what makes the story in my opinion. You have been very smart in choosing to do a drabble instead of lengthening the story unnecessarily.
You missed a full stop in the last sentence, otherwise, I see no grammatical errors as such.
I like how you left a lot of things unsaid, but with enough clues, so that a reader can imagine whatever they wish to. I really like that.
Good job. Write more.
Cheers!
Thanks for the review. Yes I did miss that full stop. Will fix. Thanks for the help.