I was voiceless from fear as I began slipping to my death. I had been precariously leaning out the fifth-floor window, my curious childish eyes catching glimpses of a distant elevated New York train rattling by. But I needed to lean to see and soon my upper body was tilting me towards the cement pavement below. Conversation of mother, father, uncle, and aunt behind me waxed and waned. Horse-betting. High rent. Everything but my predicament.
How could they not have noticed? How could they not have seen?
Or was it that some did, but just didn’t care?
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Drabble
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drabble
What is a Drabble?
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hello, Radrook. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?
I noticed that this is a drabble, which you stated everywhere on your work, lol. This is going to be a review based on the tone and the sentence structure.
I. Tone
The tone of the drabble made me sad. Especially when it’s about someone falling to their death. It is kind of disheartening that the grown-ups around the character did not pay attention to what was happening. It made me mad and sad at the time, knowing that parents/guardians sometimes do not pay attention well to the kids.
The tone was set just right: dramatic, realistic, pain.
II. Nitpicks and Stuff
I noticed there are some spots where you need to insert commas, which I am pretty sure you can find and fix easily, right. I won’t point them out since it was just a minor mistake. No harm, no foul.
We already know that the character couldn’t cry out for help because they are afraid of what is happening to them. You stated that twice in the very first sentence. You can take out ‘I couldn’t cry’. This sentence should work:
I was voiceless from fear as I began slipping to my death.
III. Conclusion
The drabble was an amazing read, and it really touched my heart. I almost cried reading this because this kind of thing does happen in the real world. Great job on this piece, and I can’t wait to read more of your work. Keep up the great work!
Keep writing!
- Kanome
Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Will try to modify it as you have suggested.
Hello!
ShaikhTheWorld here, with a tiny review.
I loved this drabble piece, and the tense in which it was created. I tried to find ways to improve it, but fell mostly short, since you've already done such a good job within the word limit. :3
Minor edits that could be made:
a) "Still, I needed to lean to see, and soon..." could be an alternate sentence in place of what you already have, IF you wanted a slower reading pace for your readers. (which I'm assuming isn't the case)
b) Adding a hyphen after "waxed and waned", instead of a full stop - to provide a shorter pause interval when reading.
All in all, well done - look forward to reading and reviewing more works from you!
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciated. Will give your suggestions serious consideration. Thanks for the help.
I have never heard of a drabble but this is really cool. I really loved itI like how even how short it is it can still tell a very intriguing and depressing story. The only thing i think can be changed is maybe adding "my" before "curiuous childish eyes". I don't know why. I just think it sounds better and adding my right there will not make it go over the 100 word limit. But that is all I can think of. This short story is just amazing
Thanks for the feedback. My word processor told me that I was at the 100 word limit but I will check again.
Hey Radrook! Corrupted Arrow here with a review.
I think the 'Drabble' idea is really neat, I think it would be fun to see what you and others might be able to come up with. Now onto the Short Story.
I haven't found any mistakes with the commas. This is really good, I believe that you are really good and are getting better with every new story or poem that you publish. I hope to keep reviewing your works!
After all this is said and done, it is a good Short Story. It just needed a few tweaking points. Keep up the Writing and have a Good Day!
Thanks for the review. Much appreciated. Also for the encouraging comments. Which points should I tweak?
Nothing, My sibling distracted me for a sec and this is what happens. But I really Love your work!