Pianos showering notes
In staccatoed arpeggios
Alter somber moods while
Nimble fingers tap-dance and
Organize ominous chords.
--
Placidly and strenuously, the
Incandescent vibrations
Attenuate frenetic minds, forming
Notational fluctuations and obtaining
Optimal reverberations by
Pressing and striking. An
Intricate fluttering of fingers,
A tumultuous cascade of
Nascent melodies emerge gradually.
Over the keyboard they surge!
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140,182 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hi there! MJ stopping by for a nice review.
There shouldn't be a comma after 'organize', since organize is a verb as it is.I agree with LadyLoki that this version of an acrostic was really neat. Most of the time when I hear "Acrostic," I think of one word describing the original word, but this was a great spin on it and a nice addition to an already-fantastic poem.
Redundant. If possible, I would use a different word instead of 'intonations', perhaps 'keys' or something else that wouldn't restate the 'notational' idea.
Technically, an acrostic should be a stand-alone, so your second poem would be ended with "Optimal reverbations by". If you were to keep it as it was, then it would be a long acrostic spelling "PIANOPIANO". This means that the reader would see the last poem without the first poem, so the opening lines "Pressing and striking" seems like a fragment since there's no context given.
I can understand why you capitalized the first letter of every line since you were doing an acrostic, but since it was a poem, the capitalization didn't seem like the best way to call attention to the words that the acrostic spelled out. You could underline or bold the first letter of every line so that the flow wouldn't be compromised and you could still draw attention to the first letter.
Personally, I thought that the last poem was the best, and it was my favorite out of the three. You used a lot of complex and flavorful adjectives that really gave life to the piano music, and it even triggered sounds of a piano playing long, detailed strings of notes that create a waterfall-like emotion in the listener. Fantastic job with these, and as always, if you have any questions or need any clarification, I'd be happy to help!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thanks for the review and the advice. Much appreciated.
Hello!
First of all, wow! Such great use of an acrostic format, I, myself, never thought to use the word more than once. I guess I thought it was just the one word once. Well, I learned something new! Poetic License is awesome, don't you think?
Well, onto the review!
First off I would like to point out that while I enjoy the piano, I am not qualified to review some of the terms used in this poem such as
"...staccatoed arpeggios"
however! That being said, I agree with LadyOkra about your talent for incorporating such wide variety of vocabulary. It is, as she said, astounding!
The imagery found in this poem is rich. I can clearly see slender fingers carefully tap dancing out melodic tunes. It is a wonderfully romantic scene. How you conveyed that with an acrostic poem...just... wow. I love it!
Some of my favorite lines were
"...Alter somber moods while
Nimble fingers tap-dance..."
"...An
Intricate fluttering of fingers,
A tumultuous cascade of
Nascent melodies emerge gradually..."
They really captured that image I was talking about.
Some things I had questions about:
"...Nimble fingers tap-dance and
Organize, ominous chords..."
I understand that people organize chords to make music, but the addition of the word 'organize' feels strange. Is there another word that can be used in its place? Or another idea for that line? Perhaps, though I know it is somewhat cliche, you could substitute 'pick' for 'organize' so it would read, "...Nimble fingers tap-dance and pick out ominous chords..."
Another thing I was curious about was whether the character in this poem is playing a Grand, Baby Grand, or Keyboard. I had assumed a classical type of piano up till the last line:
"Over the keyboard they surge!"
I understood the meaning to be that the character's fingers fly over the keys on the piano, but perhaps I am wrong? Is this line hinting at the piano actually being a keyboard? If so, is this poem about how keyboards are also pianos? Just some things to think about I suppose.
Lastly, I would like to encourage you to begin eliminating filler words such as 'and', 'an' and 'the'. Omitting these words will give more power to those words surrounding them. Take, for instance, this stanza:
"Placidly and strenuously, the
Incandescent vibrations
Attenuate frenetic minds, forming
Notational intonations and obtaining
Optimal reverberations by..."
If we were to omit those filler words it would read as such:
"Placidly, strenuously,
Incandescent vibrations
Attenuate frenetic minds, forming
Notational intonations, obtaining
Optimal reverberations by..."
This doesn't work for every line in poetry, of course, but where it does it can really strengthen a poem.
Good luck, keep writing, and let me know if anything was confusing!
Lady Loki
Thanks for the review:
Please note that "and", "an" "the" aren't filler words. I used conjustions in this one because I wanted to give it a prose poetry feel.
Also, all pianos have a keyboard just as all guitars have a fretboard.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/en/wiki/fretboard
The piano belongs to the family of keyboard instruments just as the flute belongs to the family of wind and the drum belongs the category of percussion instruments.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keyboard_
So no, I wasn't referring to the portable electronic keyboards.
I don't think I am fit to review because I had to look up what an acrostic poem was!
Though, I learned something new today. Again, I comment on the astounding vocabulary you have amassed. It is impressive. I think the poem is very fluid. There are some absolutely artistic sentences out there!
Absolutely beautiful!
Keep writing. Cheers!
Thanx for the feedback and positive review. Writing acrostic poetry restricts by requiring that we start each line with a a certain letter. I had never attempted that before until I saw some poets on this website do it.
Thanks for the encouraging words, very much appreciate it.