Observe the rocketeer
bereft of morbid fear.
Observe him as he rapidly goes by!
So aquiline of nose,
so calm and so reposed!
Who else can fly as he so quickly flies?
He shoots through opened barns.
The chickens he alarms.
The cows and bulls all scatter at his roar.
Then suddenly he swerves,
with steadiness of nerves,
and skims the waves along Atlantic shores.
Then gaping into space,
with arrogance of face,
he sets his sights on lights too far to reach,
and thundering full-blast,
accelerates too fast,
entombs himself in some forgotten beach.
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139,401 Literary Works • 672,549 Reviews
Hey there! MJ here for a short review
Saying 'aquiline of nose' seems like a bizarre way to phrase that. I would suggest rewording it to say "such an aquiline nose" or something along those lines. The 'of' doesn't really belong.There should be a comma after 'Then'.
It should be 'sights', not 'sites'.
I think this imagery was really superb, and your personification was an amazing way to express how overambition can be dangerous. I would dare to disagree with you and say that perhaps the reason the rocketer died was not because he was overambitious, but rather because he was arrogant and prideful. It seems like his cause of death was due to acceleration, which wasn't caused by overambition but by his pridefulness in thinking 'I have the ability to do this.'
Your flow was amazing, and the rhyming seemed effortless, so I commend you on that. I think this poem had the best flow of any of yours that I've read, and the rhyming didn't seem like it limited your word choice and usage.
The second stanza was oddly specific, and I don't know if this is just a personal peeve or a universal feeling, but I felt that you really narrowed down exactly what was going on to a specificity that felt odd for this piece. That's the only thing I disliked about this poem, so hopefully it helped you out in some way
But overall, great work with this, and if you need any further clarification or if there's anything else I can do to help you out with this, please let me know. I'd be glad to provide any assistance I can, and until next time, happy writing!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thanks for the review. Much appreciated.
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
This is really good.
I can't find any grammar mistakes, and your commas are in check. Never mind on the last one I said. (Don't take this too serious. I'm just pointing out a few comma misplacement, I'm not expert either.)
"Then suddenly he swerves,
with steadiness of nerves,
and skims the waves along Atlantic shores." I don't get it with people and the usage of commas. the comma after swerves should be taken out.
"Then gaping into space,
with arrogance of face,
he sets his sites on lights too far to reach,
and thundering full-blast,
accelerates too fast,
entombs himself in some forgotten beach." So many commas. There shouldn't be a comma after face, reach.
I'm starting to become the comma police. Otherwise I believe you are good to go. Have a good day!
Thanks for the review. Yes, UI know that those commas aren't required. However, when I left the non-required commas out, reviewers kept pointing out that I needed them. So in order to prevent that, I put them in.
Ok!