z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Calamari

by Radrook


"Hull implosion imminent!"

The ship's computer blares and I deploy a force-field and brace myself against the opposite bulkhead. The impact of the rushing water buckles it slightly, but it holds and I begin a slow ascent to the surface. Years of preparation have trained me for this moment when my eyes will behold the surface of a distant world much different from my own.

  Slowly, the darkness lessens and a blue surface appears. Then the energy field which had sheltered me wavers and and its extreme salinity shocks me. For a moment I flail about in pain but overcome the agony and continue on..

  Vibrations of abundant life near the distant shore catch my attention, life reminiscent of my home world.  I swim quickly in their direction. But before I travel very far, the approach of a whirring sound accompanied by water turbulence on the sea's surface draws me near. A machine indicating an intelligent mind. A kindred intellect! My three hearts throb with anticipation.

Telepathic contact will make emotional rapport possible with whomever or whatever is on board. That will help avoid panic and pave the way for calm communication.

  I carefully approach it, and the surface vessel cuts its engines and drifts above me. My first attempt reveals a consciousness which recoils in horror at my gentle touch. It is full of contradictory images and emotions one would not expect of a reasoning being.  So I mercifully withdraw. Visual contact is necessary for such a mentally frail creature. I must get nearer.

I siphon and eject water drawing closer until alongside. The creature is gazing intently down on me though the water just a few feet above. It is standing on it’s hind legs a long shaft held in its paw high above its head. I assume it is for communication but then an agonizing pain, is piercing one of my tentacles. I am being lifted into the harsh atmosphere of the alien world. The creature is glaring up at me, baring its blunted front teeth as I telepathically plead for mercy. Then holding me high above its black, hairy head and flailing me around, it utters this alien sound:

"Hey Jose! I think we are going to have calamari for dinner tonight."


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Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:35 am
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ArtizLyfe says...



wow. this is pretty spicy. i love the twist at the end, very unexpected and funny.




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review, Yep, Winding up on someone's menu wasn't quite what the scientist had in mind! Life can be funny that way sometimes.



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Wed Dec 20, 2017 4:19 pm
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LadyOkra wrote a review...



As diffused light gradually replaces the inky darkness, a tantalizingly shimmering blue surface interspersed with white white light fluctuations creates a canopy above.


I thought this sentence was a bit confusing. Although I can picture what you're trying to say, it was not a smooth experience.

On the other hand - what a great story! Absolutely love the twist. I like how you have described the alien being's expectations towards what could be its first contact with another "alien" being. Absolutely love it. It reminds of Asimov again! A futuristic setting, but with a human touch. An absolutely fantastic read.

Keep writing more and MORE.

Cheers!




Radrook says...


Thanks for the review and the encouraging words. Also for helping me make the story better by pointing out areas that can be improved. I will get right on that sentence. Kind Regards. Radrook.



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Tue Oct 24, 2017 3:06 am
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Cub wrote a review...



Wow! This was great! I loved the twist ending--what a wonderful idea! Still, I did end up shedding a few tears for that poor, poor future piece of calamari. His optimism was so inspiring! The writing style, I think, did the trick. You captured his attitude as an intelligent, methodical being, probably superior to most of humanity. However, I would tone it down a little. The rhythm of your writing suffered as a result. There were too many large words, which end up making it sound like you over wrote. It could be pared down in that way. An example of this would be "A tantalizingly shimmering blue surface interspersed with white light fluctuations creates a canopy above". There are too many adverbs used here. I'd pare it down to something like "A shimmering blue surface interspersed with fluctuating light creates a canopy above." Also, just a tiny grammatical error, but down towards the end, "It is standing on it's hind legs" should be "It is standing on ITS hind legs"--not a big deal--I make that mistake all the time! My final thoughts are that this is, overall, a good story. It's enjoyable, creative, and that ending! That ending! Keep writing--I hope to read more from you!




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. Very much appreciate it. Yes, I agree about the large words and that's why I did tone it down in the revision. Also will do the typo you mention. Sometimes while writing I use it's correctly. But in the revision shift the preceding words and forget that I had and it's for it is ad leave it there by mistake. Thanks for pointing those things out. I haven't learned how to revise the original and post it in the original location so I will post the revision here.

BTW
This story is a flash fiction version of the original longer one which provides background info about the alien.
-------------------------------------------------------
Revision

"Hull implosion imminent!" the ship's computer warns and I deploy a shielding force-field and brace myself against the opposite bulkhead. The impact of the rushing water buckles it slightly but it holds and I begin a slow ascent to the surface. Years of preparation have trained me for this moment when my eyes will behold the surface of an alien world different from my own.

As diffused light gradually replaces the inky darkness, a shimmering blue surface dappled with white light creates a canopy above. The energy field which had sheltered me wavers and is gone and the extreme salinity of the alien sea shocks my senses. Momentarily I flail about in pain but gradually by force of will I adjust.

I can sense the vibrations of abundant life near the shore and swim in its direction. But before I travel very far a whirring sound accompanied by water turbulence on the sea surface draws me near. A machine! That indicates an intelligent mind! A kindred mind! My three hearts throb with anticipation!

Telepathic contact will establish understanding and emotional rapport with whomever is on board. That is essential. I prepare myself as I alter my course to intercept.

As I approach it, the surface vessel cuts its engines and drifts above me. My first attempt reveals a mind which recoils in horror at my gentle intrusion. So I mercifully withdraw. Visual contact is necessary for such a mentally frail creature. I need to get nearer.

I siphon and eject water drawing closer until alongside. I find the creature gazing intently down on me though the water just a few feet above. It is standing on its hind legs a long shaft held in its paw high above its head. I assume it is for communication.

An agonizing pain, is piercing my tentacle. I am wounded and being lifted into the glaring atmosphere of the alien world. The creature is glaring up at me baring its teeth as I telepathically plead for mercy. Then holding me high above its hairy head and flailing me around it utters this alien sound:

%u201CHey Jose! I think we are going to have calamari for dinner tonight.%u201D



Cub says...


Wow! Good job--you really did the trick with your second revision! Good luck!



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Fri Oct 20, 2017 4:27 pm
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jamgalloway wrote a review...



Hello, there! I see this is your first post here, so welcome! If you need help, just want someone to talk to, ever want to collaborate on something, would like someone to review something, etc., etc., just let me know! :)

Okay, so I really liked this. And the ending was really funny after everything the alien dude had been thinking--he was really complex and wanting to meet, and then this dude is just like "Hey! Food!"

I thought the descriptions in this were good and the sentences flowed together well, but there were too many complex words. That makes me sound ignorant, I know, but honestly it's a bit much. And I'm not saying to take it all out and just make everything super simple, of course not, but I'd suggest at least some. Like, we get the alien dude is intelligent, but sometimes you have so many complex words in a sentence that it takes a few reads to decipher what it's saying, which is not what you want. Basically, I think what will help what the other person in their review was saying about your descriptions, is to just remove some of the complex words. In my opinion, the only problem with your descriptions as that they're hard to understand sometimes, which will be fixed if you change/remove some of the words.

Really, the only other thing I wanted to mention was a couple sentences that stuck out to me in the fourth paragraph. These:

"A machine! That indicates an intelligent mind! A kindred mind! My three hearts throb with anticipation!"

There's nothing really *wrong* with these sentences, but the exclamation points seem sudden. What I mean is, everything before and after this are quite calm and blunt statements, and then suddenly with the exclamation points it just feels like it sticks out. So I suggest replacing them with periods instead, as it still gets the point across the same without being so abrupt, but it's up to you, of course.

And that's really it. This was great. Grammar was good, characters were good, title was fitting, descriptions were good--just need more clarity and some words changed/removed, story line worked, etc. The only things I had wrong with it were what I mentioned. Keep it up!

And like I said before, if you need help with anything, have any questions, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good luck! :)




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. Will take the advice that has been provided. Collaboration in a sci fi novel is something that has been on my mind a long time. I tried to get my son involved but he wasn't interested. The arrangement that I had in mind was that he would provide the narrative and I would take care of dialogue, Of course an agreement on the novel's theme has to be reached prior to the collaboration.



jamgalloway says...


Yeah, of course. If you want to send me a message with some ideas for the novel or anything you can. I'd be interested in helping write it. I'm used to writing in first person and I usually prefer it, but I've written in third person before, too, if you think it'd be better that way. Just let me know.



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Thu Oct 19, 2017 5:41 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Good gravy. XD Okay I liked this. Hello~ Care for a review? I'm doing everything backwards today, I guess!

That poor, poor, innocent alien guy! I feel so bad for him! Welcome to EARTH! Or, to humans anyway. I liked that he was so innocent and trusting... even though it cost him his life. I mean, part of me wants to argue that any creature would be wary at approaching new life, but I still like the way you did it better. Even though he ended up being dinner. >.<

But before I travel very far a whirring sound...


It's the DOCTOR!! *ahem* Sorry, I had to.

So, I did find the descriptions a little confusing at times. When I first started reading this story, I kinda zoned out at the beginning because nothing really grabbed me, and I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. Maybe I'm just tired this morning, but it took me awhile to figure out where this was taking place- I realised it was in some sort of ship, but I thought it was in space, so the water was really confusing to me, and then I wasn't sure if the 'space ship' had landed in the water or if it had been in the water all along, or if they were still in space and the water was a more abstract portrayal of something in space or something. So my advice is maybe give a couple very clear descriptions of where this is happening so it's a little easier to follow.

Also I realise that the big words in here are probably to indicate it's an alien that's speaking, as they're often depicted in things as talking very formally. But it kinda feels over-done, to me. Why do aliens have to talk like they're super smart? And if it's because they are super smart, why do big words have to indicate super-smartness? If there's too many big words in a piece, sometimes it's tough to read- I'm not going to lie. And I don't mean big as in long, I mean big as in words you don't normally use or see used in normal life very often. I have no idea what 'salinity' means, for example, and I'm not the kind of person that's going to run to google everytime I come across a word I don't know in a story, especially if there's more then one word, and the word isn't being repeated. Just something to consider!

That ending was brilliant. I just love it because of what I said earlier, and because I guess... well it certainly reminds me of humans!- an accurate depiction, you could say! Some days I love people, and some days I want to join the invisible mermaids, and sometimes I love people and STILL want to join the invisible mermaids, so yes. Very interesting message. A+ humour!

Keep it up! c:

-Socks




Radrook says...


Here is my revision of the story:

"Hull implosion imminent!" the ship's computer warns and I deploy a shielding forcefield and brace myself against the opposite bulkhead. The impact of the rushing water buckles it slightly but it holds and I begin a slow ascent to the surface. Years of preparation have trained me for this moment when my eyes will behold the surface of an alien world different from my own.

As diffused light gradually replaces the inky darkness, a shimmering blue surface dappled with white light creates a canopy above. The energy field which had sheltered me wavers and is gone and the extreme salinity of the alien sea shocks my senses. Momentarily I flail about in pain but gradually by force of will I adjust.

I can sense the vibrations of abundant life near the shore and swim in its direction. But before I travel very far a whirring sound accompanied by water turbulence on the sea surface draws me near. A machine! That indicates an intelligent mind! A kindred mind! My three hearts throb with anticipation!

Telepathic contact will establish understanding and emotional rapport with whomever is on board. That is essential. I prepare myself as I alter my course to intercept.

As I approach it, the surface vessel cuts its engines and drifts above me. My first attempt reveals a mind which recoils in horror at my gentle intrusion. So I mercifully withdraw. Visual contact is necessary for such a mentally frail creature. I need to get nearer.

I siphon and eject water drawing closer until alongside. I find the creature gazing intently down on me though the water just a few feet above. It is standing on it%u2019s hind legs a long shaft held in its paw high above its head. I assume it is for communication.

An agonizing pain, is piercing my tentacle. I am wounded and being lifted into the glaring atmosphere of the alien world. The creature is glaring up at me baring its teeth as I telepathically plead for mercy. Then holding me high above its hairy head and flailing me around it utters this alien sound:

%u201CHey Jose! I think we are going to have calamari for dinner tonight.%u201D




That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend