wow. this is pretty spicy. i love the twist at the end, very unexpected and funny.
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"Hull implosion imminent!"
The ship's computer blares and I deploy a force-field and brace myself against the opposite bulkhead. The impact of the rushing water buckles it slightly, but it holds and I begin a slow ascent to the surface. Years of preparation have trained me for this moment when my eyes will behold the surface of a distant world much different from my own.
Slowly, the darkness lessens and a blue surface appears. Then the energy field which had sheltered me wavers and and its extreme salinity shocks me. For a moment I flail about in pain but overcome the agony and continue on..
Vibrations of abundant life near the distant shore catch my attention, life reminiscent of my home world. I swim quickly in their direction. But before I travel very far, the approach of a whirring sound accompanied by water turbulence on the sea's surface draws me near. A machine indicating an intelligent mind. A kindred intellect! My three hearts throb with anticipation.
Telepathic contact will make emotional rapport possible with whomever or whatever is on board. That will help avoid panic and pave the way for calm communication.
I carefully approach it, and the surface vessel cuts its engines and drifts above me. My first attempt reveals a consciousness which recoils in horror at my gentle touch. It is full of contradictory images and emotions one would not expect of a reasoning being. So I mercifully withdraw. Visual contact is necessary for such a mentally frail creature. I must get nearer.
I siphon and eject water drawing closer until alongside. The creature is gazing intently down on me though the water just a few feet above. It is standing on it’s hind legs a long shaft held in its paw high above its head. I assume it is for communication but then an agonizing pain, is piercing one of my tentacles. I am being lifted into the harsh atmosphere of the alien world. The creature is glaring up at me, baring its blunted front teeth as I telepathically plead for mercy. Then holding me high above its black, hairy head and flailing me around, it utters this alien sound:
"Hey Jose! I think we are going to have calamari for dinner tonight."
wow. this is pretty spicy. i love the twist at the end, very unexpected and funny.
As diffused light gradually replaces the inky darkness, a tantalizingly shimmering blue surface interspersed with white white light fluctuations creates a canopy above.
Wow! This was great! I loved the twist ending--what a wonderful idea! Still, I did end up shedding a few tears for that poor, poor future piece of calamari. His optimism was so inspiring! The writing style, I think, did the trick. You captured his attitude as an intelligent, methodical being, probably superior to most of humanity. However, I would tone it down a little. The rhythm of your writing suffered as a result. There were too many large words, which end up making it sound like you over wrote. It could be pared down in that way. An example of this would be "A tantalizingly shimmering blue surface interspersed with white light fluctuations creates a canopy above". There are too many adverbs used here. I'd pare it down to something like "A shimmering blue surface interspersed with fluctuating light creates a canopy above." Also, just a tiny grammatical error, but down towards the end, "It is standing on it's hind legs" should be "It is standing on ITS hind legs"--not a big deal--I make that mistake all the time! My final thoughts are that this is, overall, a good story. It's enjoyable, creative, and that ending! That ending! Keep writing--I hope to read more from you!
Hello, there! I see this is your first post here, so welcome! If you need help, just want someone to talk to, ever want to collaborate on something, would like someone to review something, etc., etc., just let me know!
Okay, so I really liked this. And the ending was really funny after everything the alien dude had been thinking--he was really complex and wanting to meet, and then this dude is just like "Hey! Food!"
I thought the descriptions in this were good and the sentences flowed together well, but there were too many complex words. That makes me sound ignorant, I know, but honestly it's a bit much. And I'm not saying to take it all out and just make everything super simple, of course not, but I'd suggest at least some. Like, we get the alien dude is intelligent, but sometimes you have so many complex words in a sentence that it takes a few reads to decipher what it's saying, which is not what you want. Basically, I think what will help what the other person in their review was saying about your descriptions, is to just remove some of the complex words. In my opinion, the only problem with your descriptions as that they're hard to understand sometimes, which will be fixed if you change/remove some of the words.
Really, the only other thing I wanted to mention was a couple sentences that stuck out to me in the fourth paragraph. These:
"A machine! That indicates an intelligent mind! A kindred mind! My three hearts throb with anticipation!"
There's nothing really *wrong* with these sentences, but the exclamation points seem sudden. What I mean is, everything before and after this are quite calm and blunt statements, and then suddenly with the exclamation points it just feels like it sticks out. So I suggest replacing them with periods instead, as it still gets the point across the same without being so abrupt, but it's up to you, of course.
And that's really it. This was great. Grammar was good, characters were good, title was fitting, descriptions were good--just need more clarity and some words changed/removed, story line worked, etc. The only things I had wrong with it were what I mentioned. Keep it up!
And like I said before, if you need help with anything, have any questions, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Good luck!
Good gravy. XD Okay I liked this. Hello~ Care for a review? I'm doing everything backwards today, I guess!
That poor, poor, innocent alien guy! I feel so bad for him! Welcome to EARTH! Or, to humans anyway. I liked that he was so innocent and trusting... even though it cost him his life. I mean, part of me wants to argue that any creature would be wary at approaching new life, but I still like the way you did it better. Even though he ended up being dinner. >.<
But before I travel very far a whirring sound...
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