Hello, lovely Momo! c: I remember reading this poem awhile ago, and I thought I'd finally stop by with a review! ^_^
I love the message of this poem. It's very clear and easy to understand. We often hear the phrase "don't take things for granted," but instead of being cliche or talking about things we hear all of the time, you used very ordinary things that most people wouldn't think twice about - a chair, a table. The use of such random, ordinary things made the "argument" of this poem stronger, as it supports the idea that these are things we don't consider in our day to day life. Overall, I loved the idea behind this poe, and the way you delivered! I'm going to go stanza stanza and offer more thoughts for you c: Please feel free to disregard any suggestions you don't agree with!
no one ever
thinks
about a chair
that supports us
and deals with unpleasant
smells
I feel like this chair could honestly even be a metaphor for a person, especially since you used the word "support" -> like, you never notice the person that supports you through all of your hardships and tough times, not matter how hard or unpleasant (like the unpleasant smells) it is for them. I don't know if you intended that, but even if you didn't, that was a neat little double meaning in my mind! ^^
One little thing; I don't really associate a chair with unpleasant smells? I guess if a stinky person sat on it right after coming from a sports game without showering or something xD but for me the two didn't fit together, but it could make sense in your mind and that's fine!! It's probably just me :p I just thought I'd point it out c:
no one ever
thinks
about a table
that stands our
crumbs
and shivers through the spills
Haha, stands -> cause like a table has legs to "stand," but in the stanza you're talking about the definition of stand like "putting up with something." I love that clever little pun cx
Ooh, and the alliteration in the last line is super neat (shivers, spills)! Honestly, all of the furniture pieces you are using could be a metaphor for a bigger thing. Like here, you can always make a mess (not always a literal mess), and someone will put up with it cause they genuinely love and care for you.
"stands our crumbs" does read a bit weird to me - maybe because crumbs are seen as tiny things, but usually when you put up with something/stand something, it's usually a bigger thing? It just felt a bit funny to me, so I thought I'd point that out!
no one ever
thinks
about a lamp
a bright, light lamp
that sees us
and lets us see
Again, this could work really well as a metaphor for a person. I'm loving of all these double meanings! They add more layer and depth to each stanza, disguising people as ordinary household objects c:
I do think weaving in some imagery to this stanza would make it stronger. Instead of saying "bright, light lamp" what other words or phrases could you use to describe the light of a lamp? This way, the reader can go, "wow, a lamp is so powerful and amazing, I should appreciate it more," you know? Like you could make it a fancy phrase, comparing the lamp to stars or something, or you could simply use a stronger adjective if that's what you'd prefer! Some synonyms could be: dazzling, sparkling, flashing, glittering, scintillating, etc.
think on these
these helpful things
that we take for
granted
when some have
nothing
I noticed that you didn't use any punctuation, but I personally think it might help you in this stanza. Because there's no pause after "think on these," the next line runs into it, and I'm saying two "these's" in a row, and it doesn't seem to flow well for me. I was thinking you could use a semilcoon after "think on these"? But it's up to you! If you don't though, the repetition of "these" is a little hard to read though :p
Ooh, and just another punctuation suggestion you can completely ignore if you don't agree; I think it would be cool if you could put a period at the very end! Since "nothing" is on a line by itself, adding a period (for me at least) would put a little oomph at the end. It would be an abrupt ending, and it might make the reader go, "wow. I need to reconsider my life" lol, you know? Just a thought xD
I also have an overall suggestion. You repeat "no one ever thinks" for each stanza, but perhaps you could add a tiny variation? Like "no one ever ponders" or "no one ever wonders" or something like that. I just think adding a tiny bit of variation could be engaging, but it's just a random thought of mine!
And that's it for all of my thoughts! ^^ Overall, I really enjoyed the way you easily portrayed a valuable lesson through this poem. It made me think more carefully about the everyday things I use, so this was enlightening to read! I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped!
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