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the story of the stars

by momonster, starlitmind


the moon shines as the stars laugh,

dripping with silhouettes of golden tears.

the sun stands still, and she sees the chained maiden,

Andromeda, the constellation of her skeleton

watching the people on Earth

and drizzling feathery dreams

full of pastel colors, magic and life.

             

star clusters sprinkle sticky snowflakes

that taste like warm syrup and soft love

giving fish the strength to swim upstream.

Corvus stares from above, hungry for a meal,

but the stars on their scales blind him.

currents run, washing worries away,

to where the galaxy will guard them.

            

but smoke rises from the ground, twisting

the stars and sun into bullets that rain down

to the cities, becoming dirt and grime

as the sky cries out for her children that she lost

to the evil-

the Evil that we made.


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Wed Apr 28, 2021 8:15 pm
dissonance wrote a review...



OOH SPACE IS :O

So I think I have a lot to say about this, so I'll review this the hard way ~

the moon shines as the stars laugh,


This is a nice starting point, and there's a lot of things that go well with space themes such as the moon and stars. I do think that both "shines" and "laugh" are quite weak verbs to use though; if the moon shines, what is it shining? Is it reflecting something like a mirror? If the stars are laughing, what are they directing it towards if it's because of anything?

(I'm pretty bad at giving examples for that kind of thing, I know probably too well. That's the most food for thought I could produce as of right now, though.)

dripping with silhouettes of golden tears.


Ooh I like this image! The happiness to the point of tears + gold usually symbolizing someone being rich with something + mentions of silhouettes are all really nice on their own, and are even better when put together in this type of way.

I'm a little unsure of the usage of "dripping" though, because it implies smaller drops from somewhere high rather than the flowing tears of a crying person.

the sun stands still, and she sees the chained maiden,

Andromeda, the constellation of her skeleton


There are already a lot of personalities being introduced, and as a reader, I am not even past the first stanza yet. That isn't exactly a bad thing, but assuming that more people will be introduced too means this could possibly get very swampy very quickly.

The characters also create this effect where more and more are added on, but most of them are unimportant to the storyline happening. The topic has contrasted from one idea and one theme to another idea with another theme all together too. I believe that space is equal to the sun and the moon because it's a more general classification above all, but the moon is not the same as the sun because those aren't exactly general ideas.

Love the usage of skeletons though; I have a slight obsession with them.

drizzling feathery dreams

full of pastel colors, magic and life.


This is slightly vague, and could benefit from more detail; what shades of pastel colours? How does the magic change anything and what kind of magic is it best described as? Detail isn't necessary in a poem, but it can change a lot about it, even if used in small amounts.

star clusters sprinkle sticky snowflakes

that taste like warm syrup and soft love


Ooh the sibilance here is really lovely I think. It fits with the whole dream-like atmosphere I've gotten from the space and the language choices of "feathery" and "pastel." Although, the word 'sticky" does sound rather harsh compared to the other words because of that "ck" sound towards the end. I could say the same about "sprinkle" too.

Corvus stares from above, hungry for a meal,

but the stars on their scales blind him.


Again, the characters previously used have been left behind, and this stanza kind of ignores everything that has happened with them. I don't mind poetry that jumps around slightly at times, but that has to be done very carefully and in limited amounts.

Here is a rough list of characters and the settings / topics around them:
- The moon is shown to be shining
- The stars are associated with the moon, and are laughing.
- Moving onto the sun standing still (the sun and previous characters don't interact)
- Andromeda is a constellation and galaxy (therefore shouldn't be interacting with the sun.)
- Corvus sees fish (fish haven't been mentioned until now.)
- The ending turned dark and the sky is the main focus (and her children.)
- It all wraps around into whoever the "we" is.

That's a pretty large cast for a poem, and the ideas change with every character's introduction, which makes all of the stanzas disconnected despite any similarity in themes.

the Evil that we made.


Great ending; it's suspenseful in all the right ways, and makes you think long after reading what happened to the children and the sky. I do honestly wish there was a little bit more to work with about who exactly the "we" in regards to evil-creating is.

And that's it - great work, y'all!

Cheers! <3




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Mon Dec 07, 2020 10:39 pm
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starbean wrote a review...



Hi! Hannah here for a quick review. I loved this! It was so good. I have read a lot of descriptive poems, but this is the best of the best! There were a couple of adjectives in each line that went along with the poem. I liked the last stanza the most.

but smoke rises from the ground, twisting

the stars and sun into bullets that rain down

to the cities, becoming dirt and grime

as the sky cries out for her children that she lost

to the evil-

the Evil that we made." because I feel like that pretty much descries our life right now, and I agree. We have made a lot of evil. Anyway, that is all for today! This wasn't the best review I ever wrote but I was in a hurry. Have a good day, merry Christmas, and keep writing!


Hannah




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Sun Nov 29, 2020 9:20 am
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rida says...



Hi! I loved this poem, especially the imagery. I love how it shows the beauty of space and the stars. I loved the last stanza. This poem is like really nice.




momonster says...


Thank you!



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Fri Nov 27, 2020 4:24 am
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review y'all.

I love all the imagery with the solar entities. I also love how its showing all the beauty of outer space and comparing it to the beauty here on our earth. I don't understand why the stars would be laughing though?

The idea that humanity as a whole (there are some good people) but that humanity is the one that is causing all this beauty around us to turn into devastation is a great clash to how y'all were describing before.

Y'all did a great job with the stanza breaks and overall this was very easy for me to read. The formatting was very inviting and simple (simple is good in the way I am using).

Legacy out.




momonster says...


Thanks for the review!



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Thu Nov 26, 2020 6:53 pm
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NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hello @LordMomo and @starlitmind! NastyMajesty poppin' in here for a quick little review :3
Woah. This poem is just so... w o a h. The first stanza was so descriptive and elegant! I like how you used constellations throughout the poem and gave them some great personification. The last stanza of the poem really hit hard especially these lines:

as the sky cries out for her children that she lost

to the evil-

the Evil that we made.
DANG though! Sorry sky. The name of the poem really clicks into the rest of this as it really is the story of the stars. Overall, amazing job! Keep it up and keep writing! and happy thanksgiving if you celebrate (:
<3:D




momonster says...


Thanks for the review! :D Happy Thanksgiving to you too!




Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado