it has come
the day has come
the shortest day
of the year
the sun goes out
at 4 o'clock
leaving humanity
in darkness
the souls scream
from the pitch
"save us, save us!
the day of doom
is here."
i stand in awe
and fear
at this joining
of the galaxy
what caused this?
who thought this
was a good idea?
i ask the stars
they are quiet
staring at our pitiful
humanity with cold eyes.
our masters do not care
for us
suddenly it stops
the light returns
with beautiful light
of pink and purple hues
i watch the sun
the salvation
rising with a smile
we are saved
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,533 Reviews
Ooh, my favourite time of the year ~
I agree with the statement about religion connecting to the solstice, and I believe it shows through in this whole stanza especially:
It's probably because of the part about "leaving humanity in darkness," which can be taken in the literal form and in the metaphorical form depending on the time and place. I think in historical celebrations of holidays being celebrated now always have this gap between olden days and right now - like evil-doings being associated with practitioners of Germanic and polytheistic religions, the witch trials sacrificing innocent women, etc etc.
The metaphorical darkness could be caused by a newfound fear, a general confusion about these kind of things, or something else entirely. It's a complex thing to capture in many words without a limit in place, and in poetry, it must be even harder.
If I'm being technical because I actually celebrate Yule (the celebration of the winter solstice) and so does my family, the solstice actually symbolizes the opposite of bringing doom to these souls; it is a sign that the sun has been reborn and so have the lost / vengeful / scared / *insert whatever negative adjective here* souls that have been lingering in the dark.
I do understand that the narrator is afraid for some reason and assumes the dark is equal to a day of doom-bringing, and that could be why they believe the souls feel the same way. It works for the atmosphere of a general anxiety about something unknown.
I like this idea of talking to stars because it feels similar to they way scared people will attempt to seek answers and somehow make themselves feel worse. If the stars were to answer in a way where they give actual information as of why, it wouldn't change the narrator's thoughts because fear does weird things often.
The next stanza find of furthers that with the mention of "cold eyes" because it hints that they might think in similar ways about everything, too.
This is my favourite stanza - I especially like the last line because it shows a development of our narrator figure, and how their thoughts have changed because of the light. It also ties back to the religion, I believe, because good and evil is a long debated subject.
This is really wonderful ~
Cheers! <3
Thanks again!
Hello there! I’m back for your second requested review.
As the other poem you linked contains formatting (i.e. italics) I would encourage to use that same idea here, to distinguish between thoughts/actions of the speaker and give the reader a bit of a nuance when it comes to certain lines of this poem. Mostly I would say to italicize "what caused this? / who thought this was a good idea ?" as I was a bit confused when reading over that stanza and who was speaking/thinking those words.
There's plenty of religious/ritualistic/other-worldly-ness about solstices -- I'm guessing this is the winter solstice, judging from "4 o'clock" being dark already, and so that definitely already adds to this overall idea of what the changing of seasons could represent in peoples' minds, or what shorter days represent, and else things like that.
I am a bit confused as to what this is supposed to mean in the context of the poem, as the comments/screams from the mentioned "souls" I imagine are the speaker's neighbors/people nearby them, but the fear they feel towards the solstice feels like it belongs back in the Middle Ages, or a prominent time of fear towards anything unknown or not understandable.
For the context, then my suggestions for this might be a bit different, but I have a couple of general ones. I would make note of how long time has passed, maybe some kind of action occurring between the passage of time here, as we're really only given the fact that night has fallen and then the sun rising again, as well as some other description, perhaps using the speaker's other senses to help place them standing outside/inside/wherever and witnessing this event occur in real time.
This is a plenty good, dramatic retelling of what a solstice is, in a general sense. I think the short stanzas/lines work well here as this builds up the tense mood, this nervousness that the speaker feels along with everyone else. Commas/punctuation could help piece together which lines are meant to flow into each other, but that's more up to you.
This was an interesting read! I liked it though and I hope this helped!
Thank you!
Love this piece so much. Great job with it.
I don't see much that needs changing, it honestly hit home with me and I really enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the great writing, I would love to see more of your work.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you@ Merry Christmas!
I like your poem.
Some of the stanzas seem somewhat blocky in the sense that the words themselves do not flow cleanly. Maybe changing some of wording and using different words would give it a clearer flow throughout the poem.
I also think adding commas to the end of different lines will help the reader find where the flow is. The commas will allow the reader to know where you intent on the flow to be where the: pauses, stops, and continuations are.
Just two things to keep in mind while writing poetry to help with flow.
Otherwise I think the poem is really good!
Thank you!