Young Writers Society

This poem is so light and elegant! I enjoyed the read!

First Impressions

I liked that you didn't necessarily follow conventional sentence structure / order for this as it made the poem feel more loose and imaginative and you could still absolutely get an image from what was being said. It felt almost like the description was coming from the water or light's POV. The format also felt very loose and water or light inspired with the gentle cascade of words. I think the unusual phrasing and format also force the reader to hopefully read the poem as a poem and not just a description of water - makes it more magical / living in my opinion and makes people think.

"white on deep green" made me think of how Mark Rothko paintings are usually titled (ie. one of my favorite paintings of his is called "light over grey"). Also enjoyed how it started out maybe a bit more tame in the descriptions and then sort of burst at the end with the foam becoming fireflies.

Formatting

I thought your capital letters were well placed with "light" / "light" / "white" - "fireflies" might be another one to consider capitalizing as it's further down but sort of fits in the same family of emphasis.

At a closer glance the formatting seems to all follow a logical pattern:

LIGHT [capital word] description of it
a verb ending in "ing" (rippling)
(place description) "over water surface"

WHITE [capital word] description of it
[linebreak or indent]
a verb ending in "-ing" (turning)
[linebreak or indent]
(compact place description) "in the air"

LIGHT [capital word] description
[linebreak or indent]
a verb ending in "-ing" (glowing)
[linebreak or indent]
(compact place description) "from within"

a verb ending in "-ing"(holding)
verb
(place description) "on the foam"
final line.

~~~
The final stanza (final 3 lines) take a formatting and content change to the rest of the piece, but they still feel like they fit together. Interestingly this feels like sort of the climax of the piece, but it's also formatted the most like a conventional poem in those final three lines.

Your punctuation looked logically and purposely placed too - and I don't think needs to be changed up at all!

Highlights
I also liked that along with your creative phrasing you had some unconventional image pairings like mint and algae or even the bubbles holding flower buds! This made the poem feel more whimsical and imaginative and memorable to me without it being so "out there" to be difficult to understand.

Suggestions
I thought the title was slightly too "on the nose" as it sort of gives away the surprise of the poem before we've begun reading it. It seemed like the emphasis of the poem was slightly more about the Light than the Water with the repetition of capital light, and end of fireflies - but that's just my perspective!



Overall a lovely poem to read! Thanks for posting! Looking forward to reviewing your John Locke poem hopefully tmrw.

~ alliyah

Hi Lim! I'm here to review your poem.

First things first: I love how fun this poem is! The combination of your word choice and formatting really fits the poem's title. Reading this poem, I really did feel like I was reading about some kind of water magic. I'm also incredibly grateful that you included the text underneath the formatting, both because it's easier to reread that way and because it makes it easier to quote parts of your poem.

One aspect of this poem that really stood out to me was how simplistic the sentences were. It made some parts of the poem more difficult to read like this section:

White

on

deep

green

turning

aqua

the scent

clean

in the air.

Light

mint

and

algae

glowing

from within

gurgles

softly

bubbles

rising

holding

flower

buds

which

burst

on the foam

into fireflies.

Heya Lim! Incoming review!

I felt a lot calmer just after reading your poem. I can see myself in the woods near a little brook and all my worries are melted away. Wonderful! Let's get on with the review!

I'll start with critique.

the scent

clean

in the air.

White

on

deep

green

turning

aqua

softly

bubbles

rising

holding

flower

buds

which

burst

on the foam

into fireflies.

Beautiful

Oy, this is lovely. There's something effervescent about it, and your formatting gives it a jigging aspect, like a child skipping or the stair step play on piano keys.

I was a little confused about the subject/object in the transition in the final sentence between "glowing from within" and "gurgles". Are the "light, mint, algae" gurgling? Or are there gurgles from within? Verb or noun (gurgles) -- (gurgles are within _____) or the "light" etc. are "gurgling"?

If "gurgles" is something that's within... maybe just insert a semi-colon or start a new sentence there?

All in all, though, I love the way you've played with formatting to embody the tone and ambience. Formatting took what would have been a fairly pleasant but unremarkable meditation into something memorable and delightful. Brilliant, on that! Thanks for the great Sunday morning read.

Toodles,

IMP