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Young Writers Society



Document

by Liminality


Someone made changes

since I last

opened this document.

.

I suspect my dog.

.

The cream-white door

was ajar

when I entered the room.

.

I remember hearing

claws scrabbling

over smooth tiles.

.

The keyboard is pristine.

But that is because

my dog’s paws are pristine.

.

He is an indoor dog.

Soft-furred, but not the shedding type.

Maybe he can type.


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Tue Sep 06, 2022 1:04 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi Lim! It's been a long time since I read a fun, silly poem like this, so I just had to try my hand at reviewing it.

One of the things I really love about the formatting of this poem is how you used periods to make spaces between each stanza. It's the type of thing I did a lot when I first joined YWS, so it really brings back the nostalgia of earlier poetry. It adds another fun touch to this poem.

Another thing I love is how descriptive you are. You provided just the right amount of details. It was enough for me to imagine the furry little culprit, but also didn't stray into excessiveness. It kept your poem short and sweet.

I think my favorite stanza is the one down below:

I remember hearing

claws scrabbling

over smooth tiles.


When I read that stanza, I immediately imagined your dog frantically trying to rush out of the room before you noticed he was in there. It drove home your dog's guilt.

My one critique is more of a suggestion than a criticism. I think it would be fun if you showed some kind of keyboard shenanigans at the very beginning of the poem—like a keysmash or a mistyped word. It would make it seem like someone the dog had really come onto the document and changed what was originally written. It's definitely not something you have to add, but I thought it was another way you could have fun with this poem.

I really enjoyed this poem! Let me know if there's anything I need to clarify in my review, and have a great day/night~




Liminality says...


Sorry for the late reply to this but thanks so much for your review!

When I read that stanza, I immediately imagined your dog frantically trying to rush out of the room before you noticed he was in there.


Hehe YES I'd been totally going for that :D So happy that comes across well - whenever I hear my dog running in the next room, I always think he's been up to something, so I put that in here, too xD

I think it would be fun if you showed some kind of keyboard shenanigans at the very beginning of the poem%u2014like a keysmash or a mistyped word.


Oh that's a good idea! I'd def try something like that if I did a similar visual, more 'meta'/ self-referential funny poem!

Thanks again!



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Fri Sep 02, 2022 2:13 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



I like how this poem demonstrates the problems if using "if x then y" sorts of hasty conclusions. If the door is ajar then AHA! the dog must have typed! :D It's a cute critique of that sort of thinking, while also being a sweet little image to think about a doggo typing. It could also maybe seen as a fun twist on "I don't have my homework -> so logical conclusion is my dog ate my homework".

The language you use is a little elevated beyond the seemingly simple format - using words like "scrabbling" / "pristine" which I think takes the poem up a notch.

It reminded me a little bit of the same logic in the book "If you give a mouse a cookie" and I can totally see this poem being played out in a children's illustrated book too.

Finally I don't know if this was intentional or not but I like that you said it was for a "PAW" prompt - because it's sort of a pun -> "PAW" like "Poem a week" and "PAW" like a dog's paws ;) Along that line I like that the title "document" could refer to the document the poem is talking about - or the process of how the poem is "documenting" the situation in such a matter of fact way.

It bothered me just a teeny tiny bit that all the stanzas were made up of three lines except that one line on its own; but on the other-hand that did make that line all the more dramatic. I wonder if a similar one-liner could be done in another place in the poem to add a sense of even-ness? That's my one very minor preference critique, but really not anything else I'd necessarily change. :) Thanks for sharing this funny piece!

~ alliyah


Image




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! (Love your banner by the way :D)

Finally I don't know if this was intentional or not but I like that you said it was for a "PAW" prompt - because it's sort of a pun -> "PAW" like "Poem a week" and "PAW" like a dog's paws ;)

YES I was totally going for that ;)

Yeah now that I'm looking at it maybe I could somehow use "Maybe he can type." as the second one-liner and the final line. Glad you found this one fun! Thanks again!



alliyah says...


Oh perfect - I'm glad you were being punny there!
And thanks! I have at least three RevMo Chicken Banners! :]



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Thu Sep 01, 2022 11:11 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hi, Lim. Happy Review Month! Good luck on the checklist challenge!

To start with, I really enjoyed how you formatted the poem. The period separating each stanza is a cool touch. Maybe it's because YWS is tricky with the spacing between them, but the addition of the periods makes the poem feel clean to me.

I also like the simplicity of it. Nothing complex because it's only three lines in each stanza with the exception of the second stanza. I'm a sucker for one-line stanzas, and that was my favorite part.

As @BEASTtheHUN said, it's very whimsical. I smiled a lot as I read it. It's cute and silly. Great job!

Best,
Valkyria




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! :D And good luck to you as well!



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Wed Aug 31, 2022 5:50 pm
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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



I like this poem. The shortness of each stanza seems to fit just right with the poem. I like the subtle description that you sneak into each line and the somewhat unimportant details that show the innocence and whimsy of the narrator. One critique I have is that the last two line end in type. For some reason, I feel like that messes up the flow just a little. Of course, that is just a minor pet peeve so feel free to ignore this (matter of fact feel free to ignore everything I've said so far). This peace is humorous, but there seems to be something underlined here. Of course, everyone says that about poetry so. . .
This is a really good piece, and I enjoy it. You did a really good job.




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review! I'm a little curious - what kind of "underline" do you mean? c:




I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright