Young Writers Society

Hello and happy review day! I noticed you left a request in the French Fries forum so I'm here as requested.

Initial Impressions & Tone
So I think you really excelled on creating a mood/tone in this piece. That feeling of fear and the tension between the speaker's two worlds is really evident. I'm wondering if it's intended to portray a speaker that has schizephrenia? I find the tension in the poem to be really interesting and unique but just a little bit vague. I wonder if you could specify the fear a little bit more as far as the physical elements -- where is the speaker when they have these thoughts? And also you've portrayed the world of fear very well, but is the speaker constantly in fear? What's the other world feel like?

Figurative Language
I'd like to talk about metaphors and figurative language briefly. I think you have a few strong ones -- I like the shortness and bluntness of these lines: "My paranoia surrounds me, / Trapping me. / Choking me." <-- good use of metaphor and good use of blunt end punctuation here to make the point. I would say though, that the two other metaphors that I saw "head explode" and "cannot break these chains" didn't seem very original. These are metaphors that are used a lot, and I'm wondering if you could twist or extend them in a more unique way. Bringing a bit more figurative language into this piece would bring the poem to the next level.

Formatting
I think you could try a bit more with the formatting of "real" and "not real" in the piece to make the contrast a little more clear. But generally I thought your punctuation and line breaks seemed instrumental and weren't distracting. You could play a bit more with capitalization, but that's a stylistic preference.

Final Thoughts
I think a lot of people can relate to feeling a bit like this at some time in their lives, bu the way you describe this paranoia is interesting and isn't a topic often covered in poetry. Overall, you create a clear tone a feeling in the piece, but I'd love to see some of those emotions a bit more rounded out and dived into. Best luck in all of your writing!

~alliyah

This Review has been brought to you by Team French Fries! Happy Review Day!

Hi InfiniteRectangles! Thanks for sharing your poem and happy review day!

First of all, the good things! I really thought you captured the frantic, confused tone of the narrator. I could feel them as they jumped between their two worlds and struggled to figure out which one was real. I liked your ending as well? You start to see the speaker believe in the world that is presumably not real.

Some things I did notice:

The flow was a bit off with me. I’m not as much a fan of punctuation in poems in general, but when used to help guide the reader, then I’m cool with it. However, in your poem, the punctuation got in the way for me. The periods, in some spots, really halted the flow and interrupted the rhythm. I know everyone reads poems differently in their heads, but that’s just what it felt like for me.

Also, although I’m sure you thought about it, did you consider separating it into separate stanzas? I think some lines really deserve to stand out and be emphasized, and right now they’re hanging back with all of the others. At times this seems rather prose-like. I think the stanzas for me would almost separate it into “paragraphs”, which would make more sense to me.

Alright, that’s it for the review. Thanks for sharing!

~iamanaspiringwriter

Hi InfiniteRectangles! I thought I'd return the favour, so here I am for a review!

Nitpicks

I'm caught between two worlds. (change period to comma)
Constantly drifting back and forth.
One real, the other
In my head. (again, change period to comma)
But I can't tell the difference.
My chorus of voices call out to me, (perhaps 'a chorus of voices in my head cry' would be more suitable, but that's up to you)
They warn me--
They're coming for you!
It's not real, there's no one after me,
And yet--
I cannot leave my room.
What if it is real?
They're coming for me.
No one's coming for me. (I love the contradiction - it shows exactly what you're describing)
My head is about to explode.
I cower beneath my covers,
But I know it does no good.
If, indeed, someone is after me,
A blanket won't stand in their way.
I want to go outside, but I can't.
My paranoia surrounds me,
Trapping me.
Choking me.
They're right outside!
Do I dare sneak a glance out my window?
It's not real, I tell myself.
And yet--
I cannot leave my room.
I cannot break these chains that keep me
Within these four walls.
I barricade my door.
Stay away from the windows.
Lock myself in.
And wait.
They're coming for you!
But they can't get in,
Can they?