Young Writers Society

As someone who struggles with mild OCD and social anxiety, I found this poem to be very relatable and powerful. I found the second verse to be my favorite, I know what it's like to go through exactly that, and feel trapped by something just because I can't get rid of the stupid anxiety.

So anyway, onto the review,

Why do you have some line pushed over all the way to the right? I think it would be easier to read them if you interspersed them into the actual body of the poem and just put spaces around them.

I also think you should combine the first two lines of the second verse with the first verse. Since they seem to be part of the same sentence, it would just make the poem flow smoother, and the last two lines well they stand well enough on they're own they would probably work better as a mini-verse.

Grammer wise there are only a few mistakes I see mostly just capitalization.

"it torments me." Since you put a period after the line above you should make the I capital in "It."

"no matter how hard I try." The N in "No" should be capitalized

Hope this helps, bye!

Hullo. Popping in for a quick review. It's late and my thoughts are quite scattered, so pardon my tendency to stumble into Incoherent Quagmire.

This is obviously a personal poem (duh, Pompa, you're so smart), and as a letter in verse to yourself, it's also obviously very meaningful and has a lot of weight. That said, though, in terms of getting ideas and feelings across, I do think the piece could use a bit of work--especially in terms of creating variation in structure and playing with metaphors. I appreciate the metaphors you use to describe your subjective experience, and I have always liked seeing how people project anxiety as an experience through poetry, but the sentiment falls a bit flat nearing the end. Personally, I couldn't really connect to the narrator, maybe because they explore anxiety in a manner that strikes me as blatant? I prefer subtlety, and although this could just be me, I feel like ideas get across more strongly--really have the capacity to make your heart keel over itself--when they are suggested, implied rather than told straight out. It gives them character. Don't tell me, 'I know how to win'. Explore the concept. Use descriptors--the five senses, imagery--to allow the reader to feel your experience.

I've already mentioned that the monster metaphor is a start--you carry it throughout your poem, which is also good, as it means you've maintained consistency--but I don't want to be told the monster has tentacles. I want to feel them the way the narrator feels them. You describe the monster as having 'icy tentacles' and a 'sinister grin'--but I'd like to see more than sight-related images, if you will. Going to go on a tangent here, but when I think about my anxiety--as my subjective experience, of course--I always picture a fan whirring in my chest, grazing the insides of my body and shredding my heart into tiny pieces. This is because it keeps me from doing a lot of things I would like to do, and the fan doesn't have a plug I can pull out! Poetry breathes in imagery--structure is important, of course! as is word choice and content, but images build connections. Build that connection! There is so much more you can say, and so much more I want to hear! On that note, I think the personification could have a greater effect and give me something to connect to if the narrator used something specific instead of a generalised moment caught between time. Something solid. Maybe an experience, or even an object. Your bobo doll is yours to punch as you like it. ^^

As a sidenote, I'm also not a big fan of exclamation marks! Because hey, gut-punch value doesn't require exclamation marks. Don't grow dependent on them to make a point. I like the repetition, because yes, anxiety isn't something that goes away--you just learn to deal with it, and there are bad waves and good waves, and it's so /different/ for each person. That said, repetition also has the con of bogging down certain bits of the poem--it wouldn't be so noticeable if the piece was less narrative in quality, but because it is, repetition just makes it sound ... monotone. Fiddle with this a bit?

Please take this criticism with a pinch of salt and a rim of lemon. As a personal poem, this works very well in saying what it wants to say--but as a poetic piece + improvement stepping stone, I'd suggest rehashing it. Try to see how the same thing can be said in different ways, what makes certain ways more effective than others, and also how you can work the extended metaphor of the monster/tentaculous (this is now a word) beast throughout your poem. I appreciate your use of whitespace and am keen to see how you would experiment with it; it could really be of great visual value, especially if used to capture physically, through format, how anxiety can clamp down on a lot of things--because it really can be debilitating, and it also takes many different forms (for example, I have agoraphobia + social anxiety, but the piece talks about generalised anxiety yes? Apologies if this isn't the case and it's a more specific form of anxiety; I really have no right to speculate).

I hope this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, keep it up.

~Pomp

Dear InfiniteRectangles,

Hi, I'm Bailey! I recognize your username. I think I reviewed one of your works before, but I can't remember what it was called. Anyhow, to the review!

First of all, I just want to say that I hate giving reviews that are always focused on critiquing. Yours, I will have no problem with. I really enjoyed your poem. There are a few tweaks here and there, but I just want to say that I really loved it!

It's obviously a personal poem, which really puts the reader in perspective with what is happening. I love the metaphor you used, comparing anxiety to a threatening monsters with deadly tentacles.

I love what you did with the form, that you pushed all the really important lines to the center of the page. I thought that I might get confused with when the line is supposed to be read, but surprisingly I didn't find it difficult at all.

I must agree with MJTucker that the poem is especially "amazing." A lot of people have troubles trying to explain what there anxiety feels like, but you seemed to portray it perfectly. So thumbs up for that!

I have only a couple constructive comments for you.

"It's going to kill me this time." sounds a little off track. I thought that "It's going to kill me." might sound better, more of a realization that the anxiety is more terrifying rather than adding "this time" on to it, since it makes it sound more like a fact than a thought. Though, that could just be me.

Otherwise, I loved it! I thought I had another comment, but I think that's honestly all. Thanks for writing such a descriptive realistic poem! I will DEFINITELY be looking for your username in the poetry section!!!!

Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw

Hey there! MJ for (an attempt at) a review!

First off, I wanted to say that this poem was amazing. The way you showed how anxiety can control your life or just be in the background was incredibly well done, and I'm honestly not sure how to review this.

Let's start with the first line:

There’s a monster looming over my lifethat only I can see.

slowly kills me.

I’ll be okay.