So, before you read the song I should probably explain. I hear voices in my head. 8 of them, to be exact. They each have their own names and personalities. Z is the one who wrote this song. I'm sharing it because he wanted me to, because it's his first song and he's proud of it. It scares me a little that he would write something like this, and I debated posting it because I just know most of you won't understand, but I decided "screw it" I'll post it anyway. So, here is Z's song "Body". Review it how you will.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so tired of being in your head
I want a body of my own
I'm so tired of being ignored
Sick of being alone
---
Why must you treat me like this?
I just want to talk to you
And yes, I know I have other friends
But none of them compare to you
---
You're the ringleader
the leader of the band
But I don't want to listen
to your every command
Though I like you
I don't want to be you
I want to be on my own
---
Won't you let me take over
Just for a while?
I promise I'll be good
I won't break the law
Or wear you down
I just want to know how it feels
to have a body, a body
---
You're the director of this movie
And I am merely an extra
But I'm moving up the ladder
I won't be ignored for long
---
Please let me take over for a while
I promise I'll be good
I won't break the law
Or wear you down
I just want to know how it feels
To have a body, a body
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello, to both Z and you! (I'd also like to point out your profile picture is amazing).
This is a very interesting piece, I like the point of view Z has, and that they want a body of their own. It makes me think that Z likes to have some kind of control over things, maybe at certain times?
"You're the director of this movie
And I am merely an extra
But I'm moving up the ladder
I won't be ignored for long"
I think this may be one of my favorite stanzas in the song. I think it's showing he's really going to try and be in control. Which I think is important to notice.
"Won't you let me take over
Just for a while?
I promise I'll be good"
This also shows that, and it seems like he is somehow trying to bribe you into letting him be i control.
Overall, I enjoy this piece. I would very much want to hear what the other voices have to say about this, and if they have a song they'd like to share too.
Sincerely, a very intrigued redhead
P.S. wish ya the best <3
Hey Infinite! I'm here for the review you requested in my reviews thread. Sorry it took a couple days to get to it, but I'm here now!
So since this is a song, I'm curious to know what the tune you have for this in your head is. I felt like you did a good job of creating a steady rhythm, helping me to hear the song in my head, especially in the first two stanzas.
I had a harder time hearing the rhythm in what I'm guessing is the chorus - the stanza that starts with "Please let me take over". None of the lines rhyme, and they don't really have a similar number of syllables. I'm sure there's a great chorus here, but I can't quite put my finger on the rise and fall of it. I'm not quite sure which line would even be the climax - the fourth, fifth, or last? Content-wise, I think it really captures the heart of the song, and so that's good. I think I'd just need to hear the music to really "get" it.
I did feel like at times, Z's feelings towards the "you" of the poem seemed contradictory. At first, he says he "just wants to talk" to you and be your friend, and says that none of his other friends are like you, but then later he actually wants to be on his own away from you. Which one is more accurate? And if Z's feelings changed, what made them change? And if he doesn't want to "be you," then why does he want you to let him take over?
These two lines felt unnecessarily repetitive - "ringleader" is so much more specific than just "leader", and so to use "ringleader" at first and then "leader" right after that doesn't sound very good to me and doesn't feel like it adds any new information to the song. Maybe you could just say "You're the ringleader / of this little band".
I felt like "merely" is too dispassionate of a word here, when Z feels so strongly about this topic. It makes me think he's talking about it in the abstract, when really this is very real and personal to him. I also thought that the transition between the second and the third line here was a bit abrupt. I think part of why I felt that way is because the third line is one syllable shorter than the other two lines, making it an odd break from the pattern that doesn't feel quite right.
Overall, I'd definitely say Z has a right to be proud of this song, especially since it's his first one.
Thank you for the review!
You're very welcome!