I saw her at the mall with friends
Her beauty blew me away
I just knew I had to talk to her
Had to talk to her today.
I thought about ways to greet her
I thought about things to say
But after all of that pondering
All I could manage to say was hey.
Hey. Hey.
What a stupid word
So insincere, now she’ll think I’m a fool
Or even worse she’ll just keep walking
Oh, why is the world so cruel?
I wanted to run away
I wanted to go hide
But my feet glued themselves to the floor
I couldn’t move them, though I tried.
In all my embarrassment I almost didn’t see
That she was slowly turning my way
There was a hesitation that felt like it lasted a
lifetime
Then she smiled and told me hey.
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139,047 Literary Works • 672,399 Reviews
Hello InfiniteRectangles!
Here to review your poem as requested!
As you said before, this didn't take me too long at all. It was all very cute with a lovely little rhyme to it that didn't feel forced in the slightest. I thought it was a brilliant take on the nerves that people can get when they are approaching someone they like a lot and only want to create a good impression of themselves. You can really see how this person was overthinking things and feeling incredibly shy. It was so sweet :3 It was simple and smooth and has left me with very little to say about the poem itself. I will try nonetheless though!
The key thing that this poem needs a little work on would have to be the punctuation. You leave out full stops and commas where they need to be put in place. A great way to know where to put them is to make the poem a piece of prose for a bit, and see where the pauses and breaks go. So this would be: I saw her at the mall with friends Her beauty blew me away I just knew I had to talk to her Had to talk to her today. You can see from the capitals where there needs to be full stops and commas instead. Have fun with the punctuation in the stanzas! I'm not sure how I feel with the repetition in the last line of that stanza because you don't really do that anywhere else in the poem so it really feels like a filler. Maybe you can think of another line that could be there.
These lines had me wondering about them as well. I felt like the first line was okay but the 'so insincere' wasn't quite pulling it off for me? I feel like he would've used some more creative words to bring across the meaning there, something more (sorry about the pun here) but sincere in feeling that he had said something incredibly dumb. So maybe that line could use a little work.
But overall this poem was simple and short and sweet. I loved the doubting yourself theme and I think you could even embellish it a little bit more with your vocabulary and over-dramaticise the persona's worries to make it all the more funny and sweet to read. But whatever you do, keep the simple style! It really works for this one
That's all I really have to say. Keep writing ^.^
Deanie x
Hi InfiniteRectangles! It's a nice poem to brighten my day. I really loved the way you narrate things in this form. This work of yours was just so cute.
First of all, I think that this is a really good work. Many people can relate, especially teens nowadays. Yeah, you're right, "hey" seems to be a stupid word 'cause it's forceful too, you know. We need to think of second thoughts if we should really say it to someone so that we can own their attention. It owns a lot of emotions and secrets. Even a word can change us differently into something. A word can manage a single thought or idea.
Okay. Hey. That's all, friendah! Have a nice day and year ahead
-strwbrryyy
Hi, I'm here to review your work~ but before thaaaat... WELCOME TO YWS! I see you're new here... Wow, YWS is getting a lot of users~
My first thought of this poem was that it was cute. I could relate to it in some way. Hey. Hey is such an awkward word! That is awesome. The way you put things in that one greeting. Hey. Though it would've been more comedic if you used 'yo' xD But that's just an idea, I don't care because this poem is already so good!
Though, you could improve it by adding more details. Don't just say her beauty blew you away. What beauty? What specific part of her makes her beautiful?
Also, the rhythm seems off in some places. I don't know. I'm not really that good with rhythm but I think you should check it out. Especially the fourth stanza. I think the third line there is too... uh... long? A mouthful?
All in all I like this poem. I like the hey. It's so simple and yet conveys a lot more than it's meant to convey. Hey. Hey!
Haha, I really like this one. Oh, and if you have any questions about YWS, I think I can help, even though I'm a little bit new too like you, I know some things. If you have questions, please don't be afraid to ask. Happy Writing~
Now I will tell you - Hey, come on, your poem is great for a start. You seem to have a complete idea about emotions and perceptions which is a great quality for a romantic poet! Moreover, what you have written is purely natural, based on common instincts of a person who has fallen for a beautiful face.
I liked the ending too. Honestly, when I was going through the last but one stanza, I had expected the girl to also fall in love. But I was impressed by the again natural way you ended it. Nothing too abstract and dramatic like my imagination, but a natural, subtle and hopeful, happy ending.
So, don't underestimate yourself, you will do great!