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142,229 Literary Works • 677,055 Reviews
Hey there,
Ok this is an interesting poem and rather powerful.
It didn't stick with me though, I felt as if the way you went about addressing the message and the feelings didn't quite mix with me.
This isn't really a critical flaw and in know way your fault, I just feel as if it could do with something more. Like you have all these things you want to say but haven't said them well enough, similar to when you are telling a story that is very long and exciting and you forget to say something important, you stumble on words and sentences, talk to fast and in the end nobody has a clue as to what the story is about.
The feeling of yearning and the inability to admit that you have that yearning is there, and I can easily so that, as well as some of the emotion behind that feeling but the way that you went about saying it simply didn't stick with me.
Maybe this is because of the way I read it and my own experience and how I relate to it, so don't worry about feeling bad.
Ok sorry if that was long and confusing, now onto the critical stuff.
I would suggest possibly breaking up the stanzas, so that the flow is a tiny bit better.
Also the sentencing structure could be fiddled with a bit too,
you have all your propositions at the start of each line, this is one thing that I and many other people are quality of.
for example:
See how "the" is all lined up, you have three "the" in a row plus "that".
It ruins the whole look and flow of a poem, my advice is to try to hide the proposition maybe try.
"It's normal to feel grieved when you lose things that
cause you pain, but only you see the good
and it causes you more pain to forget the bad.
Empty words that curdle with the knowledge
you really fucked up this time and yet it's all it
should be, they say."
I know it's not all that much better but it gives you an idea as to how to change it if you desire.
It is good and if you tweak it slightly it could be something incredible.
You don't have to listen to me as it is your poem and you should do what you feel is right for it.
Good work and keep it up
P.S sorry if this review sounded a bit harsh
Post a reminder in my wall to review this piece. I don't have time now, but I do want to.
Hey, Walker! Rosie here!
This is an awesome piece, but that doesn't surprise me. I always enjoy reading what you've written. One particular stanza stands out to me:
"it’s normal to feel grieved when you lose
the things that caused you pain, but you only see
the good, and it causes you more pain to forget
the bad. the empty words that curdle with knowledge
that you really fucked up this time
and yet it’s as is should be, they say."
I completely identify with this entire section, but the fourth line, where you wrote about the words "curdling with knowledge," struck me the most. I won't bore you with an explanation of why it means so much to me, so I'll just stick with saying that it's a stroke of brilliance on your part. Kudos. The only small criticism I have concerning this stanza involves the last line. You wrote that "it's as is should be." I think you meant "it's as IT should be." It's just something I noticed.
"you can’t admit to the one thing you want
that you want it."
If I were you, I would consider taking a critical eye to the last two lines. They're very powerful, but because of the lack of punctuation separating the two parts, they bled into each other and confused me the first time around. After I went back over them, I grasped what they meant, but I lost a little bit of their impact because they weren't as clear as they could be. Because they're such a meaningful part of the poem, I feel like they need to be as clean as possible.
Overall, I adore this piece. Wonderful work. Always keep writing!
-Rosie