symbiotic

Hi dreamwalker,

Quick punctuation spot: it should be the "the skin's long healed without my dwelling" as you're contracting "the skin has".

The descriptions in the first stanza mostly had me confused. There doesn't seem to be much connecting them. First, we have itchy wool platelets, then we have thin, barbwire veins, and suddenly we have a network of spider's webs. None of this, together, means anything to me. I'm just lost. On their own, they're okay images, but as an overall picture it's just messy.

In the second stanza you avoid this problem and talk about cocoons and parasites and symbiotes -- there's more of a biological connection there which is better. But the description in the first is definitely what's holding you back. What are you trying to convey to the reader? Think about what ideas and concepts you want to be planted in the reader's mind, because right now your approach seems haphazard. There's no uniting theme, no wholescale approach. I'm not saying write your poem as one big analogy (because there are issues with that too) but if you simply write unconnected descriptions that sound nice and piece them together, it might look and sound pretty but it adds nothing. Look at how the best poets use language. The reader can make connections between the adjectives and the verbs and get a sense of what the poet is trying to say to them, the multiple meanings, the innuendos, the implications, the ambiguities.

You seem like a decent writer. I think if you want to improve your poetry you should begin to look at the whole picture, rather than just line by line. In your revisions I'd recommend looking at this word by word and wondering if there are better synonyms you could use.

Good luck.

Dreamwalker,

<3 This piece is such a breath of fresh air and your style is so uniquely your own, I mean that in the sense that this is going to stand out in my head among the ones I've read thus far, and prolly among the ones I shall go on to read.

Technical
I'm not so fond of the word "curl" in stanza 1 - I've read a few of your poems, so I know that you use this word a lot x) It's a good word, I just don't like its usage here, because I want a more "leech-y" word if that makes sense, such as "seep" I dunno - something to that effect, something dramatic and shocking. Curl is what I want to do when I get in bed, I just want to snuggle in my blankets - but it implies like, folding in of yourself, rather than folding into something else... Does that make sense?

So in this sense, I would double-triple-quadruple check your word choices. You have some excellent ones, and because you have such excellent word choices, your less-than-perfect ones are going to stand out like a sore thumb. That's not to say that there is anything less than sub-par in this piece!

Content

I am in love with the imagery in this. I can just feel this parasite moving through the body, and I love how you used like "barbwire" and "wool" to describe the images, rather than the more obvious things like goo/ooze/red, etc. that works really well for this, and it helps capture that warmth too, or that need for sustenance/dependency. That's it! That's what I get from this: just this overwhelming dependency. It's so sickeningly comfortable when you're in this state, like a babe sucking his mother's breast - but there's something else negative in this too - this parasitic idea - this lack of independence -

the way you’d let me sink deep, and though
I was a parasite, you’d let me believe, even
just for a moment, we were symbiotic.

Hey, Dreamwalker! Euph here to review your poem. c:
Let me start off by saying that this is truly a great piece of work, and I love the vivid pictures that you painted so clearly in my mind with your words. Truly, a magnificent job.
Pros: A clear skill of yours is imagery. You make the reader feel as that they are there too, curling into this safe-haven that doesn't appear so safe.

Cons: The first line in the third stanza doesn't do much for me.. I feel as though the poem could do without it, and you wouldn't lack anything from doing so. Also.. The third line of the third stanza is a bit of a mouthful, and ruins the flow of the poem.

With a few tweaks, this poem has truly great potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

Hi Dreamwalker!

I like this - you paint effortlessly lovely pictures with your words, and they give me sort of a calm feeling, which is nice.

I think the second stanza is my favourite. Not only because I don't have any problems with it, but also because it's the one that does the most for me. In my opinion, it's the most powerful one of the three.

One thing that slightly bothered me in the first stanza was the "the itchy wool platelets of your / chronically cold blood vessels" - it's one of the most interesting images in this poem, but my tongue stumbled over itself every time I read "chronically cold". It's difficult to read and it's not that easy for the eyes either, but as a thought it is nice.

The line that begins "you forgot" in the third stanza feels quite a mouthful as well. It's one of the concluding lines of the poem, so I'd like it to be more effective. Now I sort of have to stop and think what you're actually saying there.

Also, the "close your eyes." does very little for me... I'm not sure why it has deserved a whole line, because all the other lines in the poem contribute to the poem in their own way. This one just feels a bit empty.

Overall, though, I thought this was pretty, and also a bit sad. Keep writing! ^_^


Demeter
x

wow, well its pleasing to hear this poem because your take on it comes out very original. How the words are versed seems to be awesome but the way I interpret the flow in-particular is the first deal breaker for me. Your lines seem to have to much speed and are jammed into phrases. I don't want to read a poem where I'm trying to cram words in to make the iambic pentameter, also it does not move threw the piece with a consistent rythem nor do the lines break up in parts that are natural.

Also some of the words seemed added to make the poem sound cool and doesn't relate much to the content. "chronically cold blood vessels" The two c starting words are good in poetry but chronically doesn't make a whole lot of sense here. Also to say the least, adds too many syllables to the second line making the rhythm off.

Well, thats my first impression of your poem here.

-Hero