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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Honestly, this was wow-ed me! Just keep on doing what you're doing
This is a very good peice of work! I believe you should keep writing more, and more, and maybe create the story you're trying to tell with this into a beautiful novel!
I'm Pixie by the way. But people call me Pix.
I find this poem quite depressing, though. I enjoy how much emotion you've put in this poem though. Like...It came from you're heart!
Great job!
~pixie
The only thing that seems to make this a poem is the line breaks? I think you could rid yourself of the line breaks and reinvent the piece as a narrative, perhaps. It would make more sense as a narrative, to me at least.
The piece has some nice lines, a decent flow, but could generally be improved somewhat.
"perched precariously" is messy alliteration and I think the poem feels stapled together, a lot of nice lines not necessarily in the smoothest of orders.
I like the idea behind it though, or what I interpreted as the idea behind it
This is beautifully written. The emotion and imagery you've created stuns me. From the first to last line you keep me in this web of thoughts, and I love it. I am very excited to review this.
While yes it is an amazing poem there are a few things you can work on to make it even better.
1. I understand the message you want to get across, but I get lost at the middle of the poem. Around the lines
"It’s like/ I couldn’t stop stumbling through the miles upon miles of stunted lines/ and broken phrases, perched precariously/ on the steps of my own self-preservation."
They didn't really fit with the poem's theme that you are tying to express which if I am correct is wishing that you could hear the words of kindness people say at funeral's and believe they are true. What the lines say to me are more I can't find the words to say for another person's funeral without sounding like a sonnet. I know that is probably not what you intended but as a reader that is what I read
2."When you’re dead and gone and buried below"
I don't think you need the and between "gone and buried. End the sentence at gone, or but a comma and it can show even more emotion and it won't read so cluttered.
Overall it is a very well written poem and holds a ton of emotion. There are some rocky parts, but with how well you wrote this I think you can get past them
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