I don’t know where the line is
and I’ve been looking for days, weeks even,
passing through the echoes of a wound up toy
which clinks and clanks with each step,
or the pattering of my brain cells
as they slowly turn that ugly shade of puce
that coloured your bedroom walls
(there was a line there
where the wall met the ceiling).
you always seemed to know where
and you’d point it out as a sailor would:
across the yard where the sandbox filled with ants,
or the back parking lot where we’d smoke
and think of how much of a line we were crossing.
taking sips from a bottle of cough syrup
like we knew that it would cure us
but I keep on stepping over.
at least, I think I’ve lost the space between you
and I – when I kissed you and you seemed afraid
of how you could never place your hand just right.
I would try to hold you close enough, but things
are always dimmer when you’re sober.
the line keeps changing places;
creeping up the curve of your hipbone
or streaking black through the cracks in your chapped lips.
it crossed over and paralleled with others until the lines
became too constricting, blocking me away from
you
(don’t touch me anymore, you said
and I agreed).
for somewhere there’d be an opening.
just one silver line would be enough to know
why.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
It's a crime for this to not have any reviews. If I could give it two I would, but alas there's only me so that will have to do.
Specifics
1. I hope you'll forgive me if I play with your first stanza a little, but I find this somewhat difficult to read as it's very free verse and I think you could move a few things around to help with that without taking away from the nicely minimalist structure which compliments your words so beautifully. I'll try to make my suggested changes clear in red:
I don’t know where the line is
and I’ve been looking for days, weeks even,
passing through the echoes of a wound up toy
which clinks and clanks with
eachevery step,or the pattering of my brain cells.
asthey slowly turn that ugly shade of pucethat coloured your bedroom walls
(there was a line therewhere the wall met the ceiling).
where a line that wasn't the line
joined your wall to the ceiling
That's a very quickly thrown together edit and now I'll try to explain myself. What I think you need here is to smooth the flow just a tiny bit and then draw us back the the beginning because it's a very casually introduced theme and I love that but it's easily forgotten by the end of the first stanza after such a lull and such casual observation. You need to be more subtle than me, but just a little bit more obvious than you have been. Of course, it's just a gut feeling.
2. Everything about the second stanza except those last two lines is perfect. I'd nix the last two entirely and call it complete because that flow and the sentiment are both just beautiful and the last two lines feel dull and over-reaching or- they just feel like they're not quite there and not subtle enough or trying too hard. But the rest is seriously gorgeous, particularly line five.
3. There's lovely half rhymes and such a gentle, tugging flow to stanza three. I can't actually fault it or see anything out of place. There's this tiny bit of awkwardness to it, a sort of almost stumbling but that goes so wonderfully with the content that I would say don't change a thing.
4. I like the concept of the line changing places in the next stanza, but other than that, I didn't feel it was doing much for me. The flow feels off and there are no lines jumping out and demanding my affection. I think hipbone is too obvious and maybe lips are as well. It doesn't feel personal to these two, not in the way the concept of losing the space between them did. Try to keep it fresh and keep us on our toes.
5. I'm uncertain about the ending. It's fighting a fine balance between being concrete and abstract and not quite succeeding. I feel like it should be more concise and more open ended and more clear all at once. Maybe something like:
For there's got to be a silver lining
underneath.
Overall
Good stuff. This is quite old so maybe you've been away from it long enough to think about making some changes now and I hope you'll take my suggestions on board. There's a lot of great lines here and it's one of the best I've read today.
Keep up the good work,
Heather xx