they say
love’s too strong for the passionate.
tell that to the fool who calls himself a writer
and he’ll cry a passionless tear for the death of romance,
where ink stains the colour of a guiltless sunrise
and the day is like any other; warm and good
and real, the way a morning should be.
except for passion, which aches indoors.
it plays a tune.
a crescendo of keys that lift and drop,
careening emotion on the tip of a cello string,
but the song is always sad, and the orchestra dresses in black --
a reminder to the heart that grief and love are one in the same
and if you close your ears, you could still see morning.
it’s like stripping naked,
letting the waxy incandescence wear holes through your skin
and you’re soaking in the dimness, basking in a cellar,
choking on cobwebs from your rampant desire.
you’ve been feral for too long and time leaves you dusty
and clammy and alone in that place
you convinced yourself she left you
passion always sets its sails in darkness.
it stirs aimlessly from river, to lake, to river, to sea
and it chills its oars and cools its masts
for the morning should surely come.
but the passionate, who lingers in darkness,
keeps running away from the sun.
It was horrible. loljk
But to actually review this piece, mon cherie, I shall go forth unto the dark dismal world of poetry in which I am not totally efficient at, but you requested. And yes, I did sacrifice my chance to get an additional review count just so I could do that line. <3
This poem was beautiful. I loved how eloquent and scattered it was as if it was following the thought process of one going through a break up. The imagery is perfect and I have to say my favorite part was definitely the stanza about the orchestra.
My only problem with the piece is the punctuation. I know you don't necessarily need punctuation in poetry but you started with it and then seemed to lose track of it. You said yourself you didn't like the punctuation. I just think you need to keep it consistent. When a sentence ends, end it with a period like how you did in the beginning. I think it was only one real line that you did that, it being:
Kinda nit-picking, I know.
Your use of commas is also intriguing in the poem due to the fact some were not needed but added a pause effect that kind of gave a sense of melancholy. There was also one more tiny thing that you will kill me for but what ever. Nit-picking is all I can manage to do to your poetry.
It was this line. It might just be an interpretation error.
It is the use of the word 'incandescence'. The actual definition of incandescence is light given off through a use of high temperature. I found it hard to place that word in this sentence even though it is pretty. I imagine the person in a dark cellar, but still there is light being produced by a large amount of heat? I dunno. That is just me being nit-picky.
Overall, this poem was awesome, and any of the nit-picks were hard found and really weren't deserved.
Hey Dreamwalker!
This is a really passionate poem; it really drew me in and made me feel what you were feeling when you wrote the piece. It's really good. You really utilized creative word combinations, that teasing my emotions and my mind at the same time.
My only complaint is that you're supposed to capitalize the first letter of every line; and you didn't capitalize anything . You should fix it. But other than that, I can't see a thing I'd change.
Great job!
Keep writing,
~Shady
I disagree Vyper. There is such a thing called poetic license which allows writers when writing poetry to use any kind of format they want including the lack of capitalization. Many of the times it is supposed to emphasize a lack of regularity and rules. It is assured Dream knew the standard rules of capitalization but chose to ignore the fact to prove another point in her poem.
It is in my opinion that the poem is supposed to be more of a blurb of thought displayed in a very poetic form. It is supposed to be flowing, not abiding to the rules of conventional writing to emphasize this lack of solidarity that coincides with thought processes. It is more over sheer emotion taking form within the bounds of her words. You commented saying that it was passionate and I believe that passion couldn't have been displayed so efficiently in the poem if she had used proper capitalization.