take a swig.
just a little closer to the edge of nowhere certain,
and you’re crowded in a bar full of toads and turtles;
reptilian tongues tapping tunes on frosted glasses.
the dampness of a body glazed in perspiration
makes you cold and clammy, and so very alone.
it’s like this, you’d think, the world should always be -
a dimly lit photograph filled with people you don’t know
at party you can’t remember - with faces as clear
as the amber liquid in your cup, but marred
and driven shy by the silence in your heart.
(where did time go? Even it will
leave you lonely)
sip a little slower, dear.
the blurring sweep of a pool cue strikes a blow
and the solids and stripes mesh in a tangle of him and her
or you and I, the eight and billiard ball.
we were destined to clash, one day. just a strike away
from game over.
in the bottom of a bottle
you’ll find me waiting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Great poem, especially the second-to-last stanza. I read it over and over again, loving the imagery, the structure, and the rhythm each time more than the last. As for the "negatives" everything I would have to say has been said, and probably much better than I could say it.
Hey dreamwalker, long time no see;)
First of all - love the choice of words, love the flow. Now, into some more detail:
"and you’re crowded in a bar full of toads and turtles;
reptilian tongues tapping tunes on frosted glasses." - love the imagery in here, very unusual but fitting.
"and so very alone." - here, I feel the flow has slipped up a bit. If the ''so very'' is replaced, I believe that can be fixed;)
"at party" - little grammar slip here, it's either "at a party", or "a party"
"at party you can’t remember - with faces as clear
as the amber liquid in your cup, but marred
and driven shy by the silence in your heart." - amazing bit, love how imagery was related to emotion.
~
The third paragraph has also loosened on the flow, but I think you're showing the drunkenness, in which case it is amazingly done. And, as always, the last lines sum up the message and plot of the poem.
This was a very satisfying and pleasant read. Big fan of your deepness in poetry;)
PS. The bit in brackets is once again very unusual, it may be a voice coming from the outside of the poem, or an idea you didn't quite put into a line of a poem. Either way, I'd suggest re-reading this aloud to feel the flow. (for example, I think the "will" should on the next line). Still, overall - loved it, and hope to see more of your writing soon;)
I love your poetry.