I took a walk
and all the while the night swept in
with a curling breath of cool sweet air,
and the sky sank deep in shades of yellow and blush;
an embarrassed flush across her oval face
while she carried her blazing heart away.
but branches tether out -
arms stretched wide and weeping still - the willow
lets its teardrop leaves sway too and fro.
but the face is gone, freckled now with what it left behind;
a blackness where she left him.
he mourns in silence, forgetting nothing,
and knowing all things must end in darkness.
in that moment
I had wanted to be loved.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
I realise I'm the one who probably dragged this up accidentally
didn't notice the date!
ehhh, no worries! it was nice to see it back, even on a nostalgic point. i actually went back and read pretty much all of them because of this just for the sake of seeing, y'know? so yeah, don't even worry about it
I came here because of the title, thinking you were using some kind of spin off the poem, 'Do not go softly into that Good Night' by Dylan Thomas.
I usually review poems because they're easier to read, and I was about to give up on this one because you already have a few reviews, not to mention I feel out of depth. But I shall try!
First of all, I really liked what you did with the sound of the poem, although it didn't rhyme, you added some bits -
Like here, the way you used 'blush' and 'flush' really gave a nice effect, and made an otherwise awkward pause at the end of the line (... away.) work completely well. So because of that, this poem had a well thought out, great flow.
Also, the descriptions that you used, of the willow and the darkness, were excellent. The imagery was strong, and I could clearly feel what a sense of absence and longing your persona must have felt.
I can't really critique this much, since I said I felt out of depth.
Lastly, I loved the last two lines. As a stanza on its own, it works beautifully. As for stanza-ing, are the other portions supposed to be seperate stanzas too? I'm not great with form, but here I think the portion after "... heart away" might work better with a line break. The stron imagery needs a short break to be absorbed, too.
But reviewer cap off, I always did love your writing <3
Don't ever stop writing.
-Binder
Mark another point for another amazing poem from dreamwalker! I've been reading more and more of your writings lately, and they just keep getting better and better.
So, another great job, I love every line of this poem and I'm not sure if I even have a favorite.
Please keep writing and keep me posted!
-Jadefox
I love this poem. It touched me in a way i can't express with words, only with my tears. I literally read this over and over again. I dare not critique this lovely poem, I can only glorify and learn from it. With that being said, you inspire me to continue writing and I'm 1000% sure that will do the same. Emotion is something that is always heavy in my heart and when i see beautifully written art like this, it just brings so much of it to fruition. Absolutely Magnificent!
Dreamwalker, I swear I keep seeing your name come up, always linked to some incredibly good poem. This wasn't any sort exception, and for such a short poem, it managed plenty of emotion. Few people can write short poems well for this very reason. Your last line, for me, had a resonating sense of loss, and it just left a short, echoing ending that I can't admire enough. Clearly this has been a pointless review, but truly, I love this.
Keep writing!
I just want to let you know that it takes a certain kind of poet to be able to tell an entire story with out giving any real specifics to the protrayed situation. So I praise you for that.
Alright, I understand how switching points of view can be tempting. However especially in poetry it requires a certain voice to work well. In my opinion, your poem here is too short and it would be best to use first person all through out.
I also agree with what ShadowVyper suggested but that has obviously already been addressed.
Hey Dream!
~ Namely noting the apostrophe in 'lets'.I am, probably stupidly, attempting to review poetry once more. As you may remember, I absolutely suck at poetry rules (more of a prose Vyper, I guess)- so I am just throwing this out there:
Otherwise, I will not comment- aside from saying that you've got a very pretty poem that I enjoyed alot.
Hope that helped...some. :/
~Shady