i feel old today
brittle and concave, like the cockle shell on my dresser drawer
breaking apart in thin strips
and forgetful of what once lived within
(they harvested the salty flesh long ago
consuming the warmth and flutter of a naïve heart)
i wish to be inhabited
filled up till there is no room within the hollow spaces
the aching compressed and pushed out
of my mouth. a slow, guttural moan
and the flesh and blood that is not mine
fills the casing of my empty skin
sinews stretched taut over a face that resembles me
and yet is not
you’re under my skin
slowly cutting yourself a pathway out
and with each tear, you’re closer to becoming you
your own shell, hard and strong and pearly
peppered by sand and water
rather than the thin and fleshy coating that is me
I could not contain you and you could not
bear me
it’s fortunate that breaking skin
is all that’s left to bargain
~~
The noncaps were a stylistic choice. I realize they can be a little iritating to read on some occasions, but it was a choice I made in the making of this poem that I'm not altogether unproud of. Anyways, thank you all kindly for the reviews!
Hi!
Hope your day is rocking in a serious way.
I read your poem and I'd like to leave a review.
MICRO COMMENTS
I really liked the first stanza. I read the first lines in the little preview window and simply had to click to read on.
>they harvested the salty flesh long ago
I think the pronoun "they" is vague and unnecessary. I like this line better without it. I think it might could be written with "flesh" as the subject instead?
I don't understand why you chose to use parentheses but no other punctuation?
>filled up till there is no room within the hollow spaces
For some reason, I feel like this line would read more emphatically as "...no room LEFT within..."
>of my mouth. a slow, guttural moan
Is this period supposed to be after "mouth"?
MACRO COMMENTS
I usually don't like it when poetry abandons punctuation and mechanics. To me, it doesn't help the poem communicate, and takes away meaningful markers that help me make sense of lines and phrases.
I really like the opening metaphor, the empty shell. I think it is very rich, and I feel like it could be expanded. I was sad to see it go by the end of the first stanza.
I feel like by the third stanza the emotion and meaning behind the poem had changed somehow? I almost think the first two stanzas should stand alone.
I hope this review is useful!
Best of luck.
Hey,
This is a good poem filled with a lots of different emotions. It is a bit hard to read though because of the lack of punctuation. It just drags on and on so putting punctuation would help slow it down and break up.
I love the theme of the poem and it has great imagery to it which is great in a poem.
Really the only fault in this poem is the lack of punctuation. It doesn't need a lot just enough to break it up a bit.
I really like to last two lines. I think it ties it together perfectly.
I know that this is short but keep it up.
Nargles xxxx
Hello! Roxy here!
Well this is a very interesting poem indeed!
1. "i" shpuld always be capital!! I know you know that but you seem to have forgotten here!
2. I think that some more punctuation would give the poem a better flow, you have a lot of beautiful imagry here and punctuation will allow people to concentrate on the images as it will give the poem some much needed breaks and pauses.
3."breaking apart in thin strips
and forgetful of what once lived within"
I love this image!! Its so vivid in my head!! I can imagine the shell breaking into ribbon pieces. Just truely beautiful!
4. I dont know if I would include the brackets, you haven't included them anywhere in the poem, and I find them a little distracting. If you included them in the other verses it would make more sense!
5. I love the way you convay your feelings and thoughts throughout the poem. The beautiful imagry is simply breath taking!
6."your own shell, hard and strong and pearly
peppered by sand and water
rather than the thin and fleshy coating that is me
i could not contain you and you could not"
This is my favorite image in the poem! I cant help but rereading and rereading it! just Wow!!
I hope I see more writing from you! You really have an amazing talent!
Pm me if you have any questions!
--Roxy
Hi. I really liked your work but I think it would look better with punctuations. The words you use, weaves the poem into a series of complex emotions that might be confusing for a few. But you have great talent in this field and keep writing.