there’s days i can’t see the floorboards –
somewhere under the water ways that flood through
broken hinges and open windows.
it’s sunny and yet the dust settles in the
smallest places, dancing about the edges
and glistening like gems in the open beams.
it’s like the summer brought a chill with
it
but not the type that turns leaves vibrant
–
it's a cold compress that leaks blue coolant
down your favourite sweater;
a thin sort of madness that seeps under and
works its way out.
i think i’d like to be where the colours
are:
oranges and reds and warm things -
like July, or tangerines, or fond memories
you catch
between your teeth but fear biting clean
through.
i’ve bitten things, many things, more
things than
i can chew
(i think i could find colour
if only i could reach the hardwood).
there are days i cant see the ceiling -
it’s a spider’s web of higher thoughts and taller
shelves;
of books, and paper people, and madly
written letters
i’ve loved more than i’ve loved the senders,
and i think the tragedy comes not with what
i can’t see, but what i’ve chosen not to.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Remember how I told you I loved this?
I still do, but
I hate to see it stuck in the green room for so long.Obviously I didn't get to this before it got out of the green room. I just had half of a review saved as a draft. (lol now I'll have to reread through what I've already written.)So now I'm going to have to try to find some flaws in it. *puts on detective hat*
First, let me say that your title and first line really drew me in. They have a quality to them that is really attractive to my brain.
Here are some persnickety grammar things, however that really do make a difference:
(I'm sorry if they were all purposeful)
You wouldn't say There is days, you would say There are days, so if you really want to go with the contraction, it should be there're
Did you perhaps mean waterways, or were the two words purposeful?
I think one way to make almost any poem more impactful is to remove unneeded words. To me, the word "and" seems redundant. You could just say "it's sunny, yet the dust..."
So I like the images in this stanza, but they seem rather inconsistent. First you can't see the floorboards because there's a ton of water, right? Am I interpreting it right? But then you have the image with the sun and dust. In my head, water doesn't mesh with dust and sun. Getting dust wet makes it disappear. You have good diction there, but I don't see the connection of the images.
I love your images all over the place, actually. Connections are important I think, but maybe sometimes they aren't. I don't know, use your judgement.
I love the eating colors there. It reminds me of a termite eating the hardwood flooring.
Gah there's just so much in this poem that I love. I could eat it for breakfast every day. The ending is spot-on.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful but this makes me very happy.
Always write. Always.
Wow, this poem was breathtaking. Personally, I have never been a big fan of free verse poetry, but your poem was very well written. Reading it truly took me away to another place, an escape if you will. It was very descriptive and captivating.
I don't have any actual complaints, though I noticed that in the first line of the first stanza you said "there's days" while in the first line of the last stanza you said "there are days". I'm not sure whether this was intentional or not and I'm also not sure which one is grammatically correct, but I just thought I'd point it out.
All in all, I am really glad I found your poem, and I enjoyed reading it.
This was so good, and the imagery so brilliant, that I haven't the slightest idea how to review it. I couldn't find anything I would have wanted to improve upon. So this is just to let you know that this is one of the most brilliant poems I have read on this site...and the imagery is some of the best I've seen anywhere.
Well, Dream, what can I say? This poem is amazing. It's so thoughtful and deep and somber. In a good way though. It also reminded me of something one would here in a an old movie set in the 1960's-80's. (That may just be me). There's just one thing, the first line of the last stanza you spell the word can't without an apostrophe. That's all the typos I see. Again, your poem is amazing and beautiful.
Bye~
oh goodness me I was never very good at apostrophes for whatever reason! Thank you for your kind words!