it comes in waves

by Dreamwalker

  • Poetry
  • Lyrical · Narrative

Published June 30, 2012

In poetry (relatively current)

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the space between my fingers ached, like the breath
between the landscapes you and I both knew.
the way the world seemed to feel so small and yet so large
and the swells crept in and out of me, or how
you said you felt it too, catching air
and the space grew wider, and yet smaller, an inch -
a moment, between you and I.
 
I think each step reminds me of you, and how
if I could travel in only one direction, it would be west.
I would gain a second of your time, and lose
a fraction of my own, so that the space
between my fingers wouldn’t ache so much.
 
so swell up and over with fearless wants
and cool when the tide pulls you back
because time, like space, seems to have no definition
and that centimeter (or 2000 miles) could not content
those few moments between texts or the days
I couldn’t say I love you.
 
we push, and we pull
and I ache, in the most ardent way.
Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
JudeHnd
Review
JudeHnd wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2012

Oh wow, I really <i>really</i> liked your poem, it was has really raw emotions. Also the title, so fitting.

"the space between my fingers ached, like the breath
between the landscapes you and I both knew."

The first two lines were a great opening. The poem has a natural flow to it, it almost seemed lyrical.

and I'm not sure if it was your intention to finish each line the way you did, giving space for a double meaning:

"I would gain a second of your time, and lose
a fraction of my own, so that the space"

It's like you can either read it all together or simply separate it "I would gain a second of your time, and lose."


My favorite part was the ending, sad but beautiful

"we push, and we pull
and I ache, in the most ardent way."

Great Job, keep writing

User avatar
AliciaTheAsian Review
AliciaTheAsian wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2012

Hello! I love your diction most of all in this poem but PixieStix is right. I didn't feel much of that when I was reading. It was like I was reading someone describe how another person felt. It was beautiful but it could always be better. I think you could relate to the reader more as well. Though this is a love you and this person share, people have also experienced love. They have gone through their blunders and hardships and this subject can definitely be related to. I do have to say your lines are quite magnificent in the way they rhyme. Beautiful good!

User avatar
PixieStix
Review
PixieStix wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2012

Hey, Dreamwalker! Here to review you're poem.

Let's start with the bad things. Save the best for last, right? Well, I think you could've done a bit better in this poem. The way you described things were kind of...riggid in a way. How you wanted to tell the person - through the poem - you loved them and still needed them, is very sweet, but somehow I didn't feel that while reading it. More emotion! That's always the way to go! More emotion, more of a poem that is. This was practically emotional ....but you could've gotten more deep into the reader's heart.

In this line in the third stanza ~

and that centimeter (or 2000 miles) could not content


I think instead of these "()" You should've done this-

EDITED:

and that centimeter - or 2000 miles - could not content


This looks a little better...doesn't it? Overall, the good things! Alright. So I like how much detail you've added into this peice, gave it meaning. Quality of a good writer, indeed. How you've compared this "love" to waves and the ocean and such is remarkable. Very impressive how you've thought it through. And I also like the last stanza (or lines) at the end. I had to think about that.

Overall, I would give this a 8/10. Great job and keep writing!

~Katie



Moo.
— Cow