i thought about the wailing walls
and re-emerged
(we’re darker than we look, but stronger than
we feared)
and it’s in silence we’re always counting
backwards, forwards, tipping our toes along phrases
meant to be beautiful.
yet only in the aesthetics
does the damage go unnoticed,
at the hands of our storm clouds filled to bursting -
our rivers running much too full and all at once.
we can’t grasp it long enough to hold it all together.
right disasters you and i.
i thought about screaming --
taking it all and letting it out against the dark recesses
of some other swollen mind
and i can feel it quaking up and over, threatening a tear
in the silent holds that keep us still even as the water
flows over our heads.
(maybe we’re not so strong anymore,
and perhaps that’s for the better)
but keep counting if the quiet sustains;
keep pretending that things are better when they’re
beautiful, even if deadly.
even if we wont survive to see it through.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Viv here from Rouge. Very nice poem Dreamwalker. The title caught me, so I'm wondering if you're saying that you're both disasters or you're fixing them? If so I don't get it. If you're fixing them then you can't pretend it's not there and that everything is beautiful, but if yoy are saying that the two of you are the disasters then I get your point. Other than that I have no quams with this poem. Forgive me if I don't point out mistakes or suggest, I think it's fine the way it is.
hey gorgeous
So I don't have a whole lot to say, we can chat elsewhere if you'd like, in a piratepad or something and go line by line if you have the time, but the biggest thing that stood out to me was this: your rhythm was way off. I think this has the potential to hit a helluva lot harder than it does. You diction is nice, but could use some strengthening. Images are a bit weak. Give us a bit more of a hook to hang onto.
Right now, I think just smoothing out some grammar, tightening up some lines, and making sure that your images aren't fragmented will do you a world of good. I'd avoid parentheticals altogether -- I went through a phase where for some reason I found myself attached to them, but let's be honest, they're more distracting than anything else -- especially at the beginning of a poem where you need to establish how the poem is to be read.
Aside from that, great piece and good to see you around
<3
that would actually be so awesome honestly. i have a lot of issues with rhythm and keeping to certain images though out really any of my poetry so its difficult to really see where i'm going awry until its pointed out, you know? poetry is pretty free-formed but as someone who never really wrote poetry till a year or two ago, it still sometimes baffles me.
just let me know if and when you can cause i would super appreciate it.
This is awesome!
This line is a bit confusing. Needs a period or a change from "it's in" to 'in its' ? Just bringing it to your attention in case it was a typo.
happy writing
A bee-you-tea-foooool Poem!
. So lemme start reviewing this piece.
First of all you need to capitalize your 'I'
Below are the lines in which your 'I' is not capitalized:-
"i thought about the wailing walls"
"right disasters you and i."
"i thought about screaming --"
"and i can feel it quaking up and over, threatening a tear"
And I really liked this
"(we’re darker than we look, but stronger than
we feared)"
But should it be stronger than we fear? Remove the ed.
Anways good job! Keep going.
I have exam tomorrow and It is driving me crazy .. I could have wrote a much bigger review but I am sorry. Kekek
Take care.
Hi! Just a helpful tip: when reviewing poetry, never talk about the capitalization. Whether it's i or I is not important.
Further explained here.
I guest we are all geniuses here.We don't care about capitalization and we can do anything on our poem here.Great job for you!You dare to review this wonderful poem anyway
Thnkx
Beautiful!! I love how you left the 'i' uncapitalized, and basically love the whole thing in general. :3
Love it!!!
Hi Dreamwalker,not much to say here.I love this poem so much,you just need to capitalize the 'i' here
that was a stylistic choice m'dear. but thank you kindly nonetheless!
I think Dreamwalker's choice on capitalization was really smart. You seem to have this potrayal of yourself as not this great powerful thing. By leaving the I uncapitalized I feel it really helps establish and support that. Even if that wasn't the intention I love you left it in lower case.
Ah I see^^.Well,enjoy your writing style here!
Although this poem is incredible (it's definitely haunting, tragic, and very-well thought-out), I have to agree. The uncapitalized 'I' might be making some sort of statement, but I think it's distracting.
yeah,I think so.I love this poem,but trying not to care much about the statement here