Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic


All Thou Eye

by Chaser


My dearest, do not fear the devil’s rend.
Looketh with lifted heart, and declare
All thou eye good, and savor in the end.

For all the time lived, all was good to spend
With lovers and friends who flourished some to spare.
My dearest, do not fear the devil’s rend.

My lady, I’ve forsworn me to defend
Against the Grim who feeds from our despair;
All thou eye good, and savor in the end.

Should I compare you to a summer’s end?
Your august eyes are dying, branches breaking, leaves falling like hair;
My dearest, do not fear the devil’s rend.

Even if we say that it was meant
to end this way, I swear, damn it all I swear!
All thou eye good, and savor in the end.

I’ll stay here by your side as you ascend,
To heaven’s gates, and someday meet you there.
My dearest, do not fear the devil’s rend.
(Although, I couldn’t save her in the end.)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 38
Reviews: 13

Donate
Thu Apr 26, 2018 4:38 pm
Myers wrote a review...



It is a beautiful poem indeed, and looks like someone has channeled his inner tragedy in to it. It feels like the poet was actually offering the last words to a life departing from this world. I can relate it to an episode of the "Supernatural" when Jess, the Reaper, first time comes to pick Dean's soul up from this world. The poem actually looks like death itself talking, having a remorse, but is acknowledging the limitations of this worldly life.
The stand out lines:
"Should I compare you to a summer’s end?
Your august eyes are dying, branches breaking, leaves falling like hair"
Bravo for putting all the pain in to the poem :)




User avatar
101 Reviews


Points: 10089
Reviews: 101

Donate
Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:56 pm
View Likes
Clairia wrote a review...



hey! i'm londone, here to review your work.

let's get to the good stuff v

Quite a fascinating piece you've created here. I do like it quite a bit, but I did find a few nitpicks that I thought to inform you of while I'm writing a review.
Let's analyze this from the top, shall we?

My dearest, do not fear the devil's hand.

We begin with a bang, or at least quite an interesting hook. I was immediately intrigued and wanted to know why. (Why, as in, why should I not fear the devil's hand? Wouldn't I normally fear such a dramatic scenario/avoid it? What 'secrets' will be bestowed onto me during this piece? I must read more. I must continue to explore.) Very good start.

For all the time lived, it was all good to spend

Interesting. Were you implying that the "life" was well spent?

My lady, I've forsworn me to defend
Against the Grim who feeds from our despair;
All thou eye good, and savor in the end.

I imagined a scene in which one goes to battle, leaving a loved one behind--perhaps a darker intake on something like that? This line is intriguing and makes me think of what others may see in this. I'd love to know of your intention.

Should I compare you to a summer's end?
Your august eyes are dying, branches breaking, leaves falling like hair;

This is a touching, soft piece in this poem. Clearly the protagonist is losing someone-(may it be you or just a character) and they're expressing themselves through such poetry. I would be guessing it be a lover/wife, but I cannot be sure.

I'll stay by your side as you ascend,
To heaven's gates, and someday meet you there.
My dearest, do not fear the devil's rend.
(Although, I couldn't save her in the end.)

This is a beautiful ending. That last line left me drifting, but at peace with the poem. It felt finished, and also open for the readers to consider the ending or what may happen next. You clearly had a soft spot for the woman that had passed away.

The flow of this poem was a bit off. I couldn't find a very steady place, all in all. Yet that didn't really bother me. Maybe just something to think about if you do decide to edit.

thanks for sharing!

londone




User avatar
325 Reviews


Points: 689
Reviews: 325

Donate
Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:52 pm
SunsetTree wrote a review...



The Shakespearean influence is obvious (even without the "summer's end" line) and your style of writing is intriguing to read. But I think through the haze of your elevated language, there are still a few places in the poem that feel too cliché and the relationship of the relationship between the speaker and this other person doesn't come off as intimate as it should.

My dearest, do not fear the devil’s rend.


I'm assuming you chose "rend" here either for its obscurity or its rhyme with "end", but to me personally, it's just not that powerful of a verb. It doesn't carry the same intimacy that a lot of its synonyms carry.

My lady, I’ve forsworn me to defend


This is one of the clichés. The speaker's lady? What about the speaker's lady is so endearing to him that he has to defend her all his life?

I’ll stay here by your side as you ascend,


To me, "stay here by your side" is not only too cliché, but also too vague. I can't picture more intuitively exactly where the speaker is standing compared to this other person. A slight nitpick, but the comma between "ascend" and "To heaven's gates" isn't quite necessary and that line might carry more impact without it there to divide the two ideas.

Still, this poem is poised enough to earn a like on its own regardless of its flaws. A well done job.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 42

Donate
Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:46 pm
View Likes
EPICnumber1 wrote a review...



Hi epic here!

Wow I love this, I love the old English words too such as "thou" and "looketh" this really captured my attention as the reader. I love how the narrator doesn't want this person to die but accepts that it will happen and doesn't want them to be scared or alone when it happens. This made it dramatic and kept me reading on. Though I hope this isn't a real life experience because it seems as though you have channelled real pain into this poem which made it stand out to me! I also loved the rhyme scheme and how constant you kept it.

One thing that didn't make sense and I am probably wrong because I don't know much about old English.

"For all the time lived, all was good to spend" Is it just me?

I couldn't find any errors that stood out to me grammar, structural or language wise.

I love this poem.

Keep writing

~epic~





Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison