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Hometown (Revised)

by BluesClues


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Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:17 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Blue! I'm here for some comments! :)

Here are my thoughts:

Stanza 1
I like this one a lot, the premise/set-up is very solid. And I like the addition of the nicotine-stained apartment because it's a great image that definitely portrays that "grown-up, first apartment feel that doesn't quite feel like a home" and the stained connotation also goes well with the rest of the poem too which has a white/pure contrast (ie. white town & country, possibly white-picket-fence, winter, church) so it sets up a visual contrast with the rest of the poem

Stanza 2
For some reason the phrasing of these two lines did not feel very developed. I like the "putting the car in park" but I think it's almost too direct to say "I feel more homesick than before". It's like if you wrote a love poem and suddenly wrote, "I just feel like I love them"... too much telling, not enough showing, and at this stage in the poem the reader hasn't gotten to any of the nostalgic images to be tracking along with you.

Stanza 3
I think this would be better as one long run-on. Because the sentence that begins in "And" sort of trips me up because placed there I was expecting it to be a new thought. The details are nice and unique, good imagery.

Stanza 4
Nice example of progressive repetition. Each time you name another thing that's gone, the mood gets more intense - I wonder if you could culminate that list in a comment about your parents rather than the note about the town and country. Because as is, it reads. "no dog. no animals. no CAR!" and it doesn't quite capitalize into the natural drama of the form you're using.

With less familial details in this version, I also feel like the line about dad eating poutine is feeling a bit out of place/random - I really liked the detail "empty fascade on the river, but am having a hard time placing relevance into the poutine detail. I like the detail about people not knowing the speaker.

Stanza 5 & 6
I'm not sure why "think" is changed to "thinking" from the beginning. And after reading I'm not sure it culminated into enough meaning.

I think the conclusion/meaning of the poem could be even more focused. For instance, what exactly are you trying to portray with the fences, notes of loss, happy memories, and people not knowing the speaker. The poem's set-up premise at the beginning is that the speaker's home-sickness is related to a desire not to grow up. I think that you could take each of the details you use in the middle two stanzas and hold them against that premise to see if they add or distract from that. I think the two details that most build on that are the 16th birthday & the people not knowing the speaker. I think the rest of the details could make the connection // but I think the connection could be more directly stated.

If you can use the fences or the house changing as some metaphor for the speaker changing somewhere at the end I think that could even give more continuity.

Mostly it feels like the poem could commit a bit more in what direction/meaning is supposed to come from the poem - rather than just a scattering of memories, I think the poem will be more effective if it culminates into something especially because you set-up that premise in Stanza 1, so as a reader, that's what I'm expecting to hear.


Overall, it's an enjoyable poem to read still, and this version I think feels a lot less like details are randomly placed in, though you may still be able to work a bit on the poem culminating into some direct united meaning - I think that'd also strengthen the emotional impact of the poem.


Let me know if you have any questions about my review! :)



alliyah

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BluesClues says...


I'm not sure why "think" is changed to "thinking" from the beginning.


That,,, would be,,, because it's a typo I didn't notice >.<

Thanks so much - I feel like this could really help me as I dive into *yet more revisions* this week! No questions just now, but I'll be sure to message you if any come up while I'm working!



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Tue Sep 24, 2019 7:06 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Blue! FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, and to help polish this up.

May I start this review by saying this is such an amazing poem, the emotions ran right through the poem, and they touched my heart. I also just loved the descriptive words you used, it just added a knew level to this poem, it made me feel like I was there with you, seeing the past and the home you used to know, and now seeing the home you don't even recognize anymore. And this really hit home for me so I don't need the emotions to know what you mean by this, and gosh this is just the way I feel about my old home. So I think you have done an amazing job bringing everything across.

Though there is one thing that I would like to point out, now with this you can disagree if you want.
But I feel like the flow is a little all over the place with this peace. It's not because of your punctuation, that is perfect, but it's because of your paragraphs, they are all uneven. Like your first one starts with five lines then it goes onto two in the next one.
What I am saying is that if your paragraphs are uneven then it kind of knocks the flow of a bit, and it is hard to get a flow again.
But that is just my opinion, but if you were to change it up a bit, then I would go to putting them in to bigger paragraphs.

Anyway that's all from me for now, I'm glad I got to read and review your poem Blue! It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad I got to tell you what I thought, I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS soon! Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

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BluesClues says...


Thanks for the review!





Know problem!



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Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:40 pm
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itsmejr wrote a review...



I really like this poem, it reminds me of ehrn life was so much simpler and you didn't have to worry so much. I don't really have that much to critique .but I would maybe change
"And in town, the cafe"
to
"The cafe in town,"
just so you aren't using "and" so much. Maybe do the same for " And the chickens and horses"
I can tell you've put a lot of effort into this and it has definitely paid off. I hope you make another poem like this, its very relatable in a emotional way.




BluesClues says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Sep 23, 2019 4:50 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Blue! :D

Somehow I haven't read any of your work before, but now that's about change. I love this poem. It does a fantastic job of evoking this sense of lost innocence, and of how the place where you grew up just isn't quite the same once you've lived and seen a little bit of the world.

I think this poem is practically there, so there's not really that much I have to critique about it. It's beautiful. The one thing I would think would elevate it to the next level is evoking a sense of the innocence that you lost. What was it like to be young? Before growing up reared its ugly head? I can think of such memories in my own life and I'm sure you have them too. Even if it's just a fleeting moment, I'd love to see it. But this poem is really fantastic, and I loved getting to read it!

Hope this helps! Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions!

Best,
Elinor




BluesClues says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. Honestly it's been through so many different versions at this point, and this is drastically different from every version prior, so.......I am probably not even as convinced as you that it's nearly there, but hopefully it is!




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451