Young Writers Society

Remind me to read this until I do.

This has such beautiful and vivid descriptions. You write about the neighborhood in Orlando as if you've been there. I also really felt the emotion there when Rem switched from furious raging to crying. I bet my brother could relate to Elijah--the fear of having not answered lots of calls and text messages.

I thought it was a little extreme when Elijah actually threw away his shirt just because it smelled like beer. Who would do that? Shirts cost money. Well, maybe that's just my frugality talking.

Or maybe he doesn't care about the shirt because of all this talk about their "last day on Earth" and "going out". That makes me curious. They seem way to casual to be about to all die, but some of the things they say almost sound like it.

I'm very interested to find out what will happen next.

Hiya, Ark!~ About time I got here Please excuse any typos as I am on a tablet.

Overall, Megrim's review covered a lot of the technical, "actually write-y" stuff, so I'll see what I can add to that as well as my own impressions.

After actually reading this, yes I can see why some people are concerned (if that's the word) why there aren't any sci-if elements, because as of now, the main conflict seems to be realistic drama between Rema and Elijiah. Which seem to be convoluted on their own. But I can comment on this because I'm a cheater, I did enjoy seeing mention of the library and perhaps some slight foreshadowing -- as I recall that Mavon works at a library. Unless she doesn't and I'm utterly wrong.

Your descriptions were beautiful, I must admit, however, they did feel out of place. Back tracking a little bit, the beginning was not one that instantly grabbed my attention, which isn't bad. I had to push on a little to start getting into it, but that lead to a little confusion or misconception -- perhaps my fault. As I was reading the beginning, I was under the impressing that it was nighttime and sunset, which was confusing for bit. That misconception may have stemmed from skimming the paragraph to find 'the point'. So, my recommendation is to drop more hints early on. Perhaps push back the scene setting just a moment to create even a little tension that sparks interest more than a sunrise would.

Again, as of now, it's not horrible. I loved the imagery and vividness I could see the scene (once I figured out time of day) but it was a start that relied on the reader enagaging themselves more than a hook, if that makes sense.

(I'm sorry if that was really scattered and hard to follow, your writing doesn't leave me with much to critique ^^)

The final thing that I think Megrim said but just wanted to reiterate is that description can be your best friend, but it can also bog down writing. No matter how luxurious it is, too much description makes it harder to read and discourage readers to continue, so perhaps cut down on some of the setting description here and look to gives us character images, perhaps just some quick details, like hair and eye color.

Otherwise, I love the characterization. Elijah sounds like my kind of character and it was really entertaining seeing him try and dodge around things (first the library books and then Rem.)

Alright, I lied. One more thing XD I don't understand the relationship between Rem and Elijiah. I originally thought they were dating, from the way Rem was calling Elijiah over and over again, and the way she said he wasn't there to defend herself, but if they were dating, wouldn't her parents know that? And I honestly don't understand why what the parents asked as so bad...? This may not be as pressing because I am younger, if that makes a difference xD

Overall, this was well written and enjoyable and I look forward to reading the next part-- which should be right now. Best of luck!
~Wolfe

Megrim here for the Big Review! Excited to actually review something of yours. I haven't read it yet and am going to comment as I go.

The imagery in the first paragraph is excellent. I love it. Vivid, evocative, engaging multiple senses. My only qualm is that starting with the sunset delays the start of the story proper. The character is introduced, but only as far as his name, really. Getting the setting in is great, but I'm a little leery of spending 3-4 sentences on it before anything else is established. What's lacking for me is conflict or tension--there's no stakes, and for all I know it's a normal boring day for him. I'd prefer we get a bit more context before pausing to expand on the scenery. Perhaps just move this paragraph down a little?

I will admint "phone's constant buzzing" doesn't particularly excite me as the source of tension. Maybe a line about the real issue, behind the phone buzzing, which is what's really on his mind?

He tried to keep his phone turned on all the time in case of emergency, but Rem was seriously trying his patience. He didn't want to see how many missed calls he had, not after he'd been woken up by his phone yelling insults at him in a vaguely French accent, and she'd just kept calling. Even when he turned his volume off, he could almost feel her fuming from the apartment.

Elijah shrugged and pulled his phone out, holding down the power button until it gave him the option to shut off.

Morgan popped her bubblegum and jiggled the key in the lock for a minute before tugging it back out. "What did you skip this time to piss her off so bad?"

"I don't choose to see it as skipping dinner with her parents," he drawled, earning a sharp laugh from the bartender. "Let's look at it instead as enjoying my last night on Earth."

He crossed his hands over his chest and looked up to the sky, trying to hold the laughter in, but it only worked halfway.

Elijah shook his head. "No way in hell, you know what that does to me. You ask me, I'd rather go out sober."

Clipping her thermos into the bike's cupholder, Morgan undid the lock in three swift movements—he had to admit that he was a little jealous of that. In three years of hanging out with her, he'd never once been able to figure out her combination, even though she admitted to using the same set of numbers for every lock and password imaginable.

the cops would've been jumping with joy to ticket him with public intoxication, even if it was just his clothes.

linking his fingers together and pushing his hands towards the sky,

he could hear dogs barking from every direction, taste brackish water on the breeze, feel the Florida morning soaking into his bones with every drop of sweat. Somewhere in the distance, a radio was playing the Beatles; he almost stopped to listen, but kept moving when a beat-up Cadillac rolled past him.

On the other side, there was a sudden drop in the number of used car lots—only one, Mike's Used Auto—and a spike in the number of convenience stores and mom-and-pop businesses dotting the sides of the road. He couldn't have named any of their proprietors, except for Mike, who still tried to sell him a car once in a while when he passed by on a morning walk.

There was the library, right next to the kids' park with the playground and the dog walk, but it was all abandoned for the sake of theme parks and Wet N' Wild. No one wanted to be on a metal slide in the middle of summer, and no kid would've been caught dead in the library if not for the computers and the air conditioning.

It was less of a decision and more of an instinctual maneuver to survive, but he had to admit, being chased up four flights of stairs by a travel agent was one hell of a cardio workout.

"They asked me," she growled, "if Luke and I were dating. If we were engaged. If we were planning on dating. If I waspregnant. They acted like... Like I was a child, couldn't take care of myself. And you left and you went—wherever the hell you went. You weren't even here to defend us, Elijah. You weren't even here to defend us."

This chapter just isn't drawing me in and I don't really see where this story is going when I saw the comment about the Cadillac I thought this story would get interesting but is just continued to be dull. The first chapter is supposed to drawn in the reader because that is what most people judge the book on. Also you don't really describe the characters enough.

Kay here

Details first:

I like your opening description; with the comparison to a "Wish You Were Here" card, it's not the usual fare, in a good way. It paints a picture for me and blends into the next lines very well.

I would like even just a throwaway line for physical description of the bartender, Morgan, as we have an image of her personality but not of her, well, actual image. I'm assuming she's built athletically, because she's a cyclist, but that's all I can see.

the cops would've been jumping with joy to ticket him with public intoxication, even if it was just his clothes

The last line of this really speaks to me. It's a real throwback to the days of chivalry and high culture, where men would refer to one another as "ma'am" and women would refer to each other as "sir." Those were the good old days, before the used of "fam" and "bae" as pseudomonikers.