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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you. I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so please forgive me if I critique something you've already addressed in a previous chapter.
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Alright then, down to business. Nitpicks first?
By the time ce reached cer square, Jazai was missing three flowers of the eight from the tie.
That last part of the sentence is somewhat misworded, I think. Try 'three out of eight flowers' to make it read a little better. I don't know what else to suggest
Some of them already reeled with alcohol, with the sun still in the sky, but most of them passed the time the same way as the rest of the city, through games and family life.
Okay, that is one LONG sentence. Break it u if you can, loviya. Also, try putting an 'even' before 'with the sun still in the sky'. Makes it read better.
Jazai hadn't met a whore yet who didn't like a competitive game of wéiqí.
Try calling the whores something else. Not that it's offensive or anything, you just seem to repeat the word whore too many times in a short period of time. See? Like me with time.
She looked like a caricature of a prostitute, her tattered sleeves hanging long, too much rouge on her cheeks and cheap oil fats greasing her hair so it stayed out of her face.
Cheap oil fats? I'm confused, are you describing fat as oil? Or are you saying that the fat is a liquid... which wouldn't make them cheap.
It was empty, too quiet for a good afternoon, but Madame Fangwei's girls hadn't seen a good afternoon since the First Emperor died.
Try saying 'too empty, too quiet', to build better towards the end of your sentence.
Jazai laughed, raised an eyebrow and turned away.
Comma after eyebrow.
End of nitpicks.
Great job with this, love. I think our descriptions are bountiful as well, but maybe describe her sickness a bit more in detail?
Your character development is great, and you set the scene for whatever's about to take place very nicely (as long as that something isn't anti-climatic).
Keep persisting, love.
~Aurora
So, I haven't read the previous chapters...if I had would I understand what you mean by cer? Edit: Cer seems to mean her...If I had read the previous chapters, would I understand why you consistently spell it this way. There was a time when you wrote her, do you only say cer when referring to Ce?(The mystery keeps unfolding...)
Remember to capitalize the name the second time in this sentence as well.
There are a few other times when Ce's name isn't capitalized, so be on the look out for those.
Tiny little note, you switch from singular to plural in this phrase when it should remain constant, so their should be her, and then walls needs to become wall to match.
There are a lot of things that are working really well here. Even though I hadn't read the previous chapters, I wasn't confused(except for the cer thing) and that's always a good thing. Your characters are distinct and memorable. They have clear, established relationships. I also really like the world you've created. it feels real and fleshed out, and it seems like a nice setting for the story. The conflict and pacing too, or good, clearly there's something more going on here, and they need to help the sick girl, both of these are urgent problems that need to be overcome, so great job with all that.
The only thing I'd like to see more of is description. You have a really some nice visual description, but I'd like to see some nicely crafted information about what things sound like, smell like, feel like, and even taste like. The wonderful Theresecricket says if you don't eat something in a story, you can talk about what the air "tastes" like, or mention that there was a certain feel or "taste" in the air. You obviously don't want to go overboard with this, but a healthy dose of each is always nice.
Hope you found this useful, and happy writing!
-Art
You seemed to notice that "ce/cer" look like they're supposed to be "she/her". That's because they're pronouns, not names. Jazai is cer name; "ce" is cer personal pronoun. Also, "their" is an acceptable gender-neutral singular.
Thank you for the review.
I really like how you interact between the charters. Its hard to do sometimes but it seems you have nailed it quite nicely
Your pacing is great to i love how its not too slow or too fast its just right . I also enjoyed your description and imagery. like during the beginig, " Jazai was missing three flowers of the eight from the tie. One red peony had gone to a pair of sisters playing in the road as an apology for tripping over one of their dolls, another to a weary washerwoman as she carried her baskets from the riverside—and one of the purple ones had been picked clean by nervous fingers, the stem discarded on the roadside."
I liked this because it was unique. it helps the reader get a feel of Jazzi and her personality which i love.
I also like how you can read this chapter over and over and find new things each and every time.
Guess thats it cant wait to read more.
~Fallen
Thanks for mentioning me when you posted this, I really appreciate it! Anywho, let's get straight to it, eh?
I have to say that so far, I think this has been my favourite chapter. I really liked the interaction between your characters, and the overall pace of this chapter was really clean and smooth. I'm big on characterisation too, so I especially appreciated that, hence why this chapter probably has been my favourite. I'm not sure how useful I'll be when it comes to critiques, but hey, I'll try my best!
I suppose one thing I would've liked to have seen more or is a description of the brothel, perhaps. You're usually really good with your descriptions, and overall they're good here, but I don't feel like you could've used more imagery to describe the brothel. I mean, I'd imagine a brothel to be a very interesting place, so I think it'd be cool if we heard more about it. This is more of a suggestion than a critique though, I mean it's fine as it is. I just think it could be even better.
Also, while I said your characterisation is good in this chapter, I do slightly feel like Jazai could do with something a bit... more. Ce is a decent enough character, but I want her to have more quirks. Why is ce the protagonist as opposed to one of the prostitutes? Or rather than Atheena? Or the girl who's ill? What makes cer more interesting than all of these people, y'know? I guess I'm sort of trying to say I want to know more about cer, because this is the third chapter now and I don't really feel a connection to cer. I'm not saying you have to make cer a really quirky, over the top individual, don't get me wrong. I just think you could do a lot more with cer, y'know?
I think that's it for critiques... I can't really think of many. Hmmm... The setting is still confusing me a bit, but this is an entirely new world so I can't really complain. Just keep an eye on that. Otherwise though, I have nothing else to say. I thought this was a really good first half of the third chapter, and I'll probably move on to the next part now.
Sorry I couldn't be of much help!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
The reason that Jazai is the viewpoint character (for their chapters) is that ce can best tell the story -- ce's the one who'll be there throughout the entirety of their tension and their story arcs. Atheera's going to be a viewpoint character later on (in a couple of chapters), because he's in a similar position. The story is happening to Jazai because of Atheera, in a way, and the reason no one else is the viewpoint character is because the story doesn't happen to any of them.
I agree that I could definitely make cer more interesting -- one of my problems is that I have trouble with characterization, especially when I'm just starting something, and as a result, I get nervous about doing things with "quirks" for fear of going over-the-top. It's something I'll fix in a later draft, most definitely, but for now, I'm focusing on bringing the story across.
Jazai right now is kind of a "molded to fit the story as it goes" character, but I'll definitely look back through the chapters and see places where I could fit in some more characterization to make cer more... of a person? To be attached to.
Thank you for your review!
That's great! Obviously with cer being there for more or less everything, seeing things from cer perspective will be interesting. Just be sure to differentiate cer and make cer stand out above the rest, make us readers glad it's cer who sees everything because ce is such an intriguing person. But yeah, that's 100% fine, if you find it easier then just build on her once you're finished/feel you're at a good point to do so, then go for it!