Balance - Chapter 4.2

Hi, there! Lefty here to review part 2!

I really liked this chapter and got a good feel for Atheera and his sister, which I hadn't really read about before. Somehow, all of your characters are really likeable and unique as well as not being so cliche, so awesome job with that. I don't know if you've seen the show Firefly or not, but Atheera and his sisters personality as well as their relationship reminded me a lot of Simon and River. If you haven't seen it though, just ignore that I said anything.

So onto a few nitpicks:

The girl's shadow loomed over him like a monster come to devour his soul.

It sounds a little bit like a word is missing. I think it would sound smoother if "had" was in there. So, "...him like a monster had come to devour his soul."

She raised an eyebrow at him and tapped one arm with the fingers of the other hand.

Why the "other" hand? I was thinking it was because she took the lantern but you say that she takes it a little later. I don't recall why her hand is tied up.

counting the lanterns he had left on the wires as he did.

"as he did." sounds a little odd. I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to mean. I think I get the gist but there might be a way of rewording it to make it clearer.

the rest of the original eight being carried off at some point

Really nitpicky, but I think "having been" would sound better than "being". So, "the rest of the original eight having been carried off at some point.

The paragraph that starts with "Lady Fai Meng"... Is that what the scroll was supposed to say? I wasn't entirely sure. If it is, you might want to add a "The scroll read:" at the beginning.

The beads in the doorway rattled again

So, is this taking place the same night that his sister came to visit him? Because from the previous paragraphs I got the impression that several days had passed, while saying "again" makes it sound like the same night?

Ok, so that's the majority of what I found and again, it's mostly just suggestions/opinions.

Like I said before, your characters are very likeable and distinct. I can see everything really clearly and you describe things very nicely. I like your writing style.

When the person starts turning to ash in front of him, you might be able to show his reaction a bit more. He didn't seem really surprised, but perhaps that's a relatively well-known thing in this world? Has he seen it happen before? If not, there might be a way to make him sound a little more surprised, like widening his eyes or dropping his jaw. You did say that his breath caught in his throat which was good, but I thought you might be able to add a little more description in there.

I did really like the part with the person turning to ash, however. It sounded really cool and interesting!

Anyway, nicely done! Your writing is very sophisticated. Most of the works on here feel like they're meant for middle-grade or young adult readers, but your writing is grown-up and knowledgeable enough that I could see it being a book meant for adult readers. So that's pretty cool. Well, I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing and have a nice day!

-Lefty

Knight Dragon, here to review!

You seem to struggle a little with sentence flow. For example,

He was thankful he had thought to change out of his long robes and into civilian's clothing after the sunset rites were observed, or else his sleeve almost certainly would have caught fire from one of the lanterns in his study that cast her face into such sharp lines.

The focus of this sentence is all over the place, and it's a little long. You could have broken it into two sentences at the "Or else" (which you'd probably change to Otherwise if you did). At the end of the sentence, the focus whiplashes from his coat sleeves to the lanterns to the light from the lanterns to the shadows on her face to the features of her face defined by the lanterns. I'd recommend separating the two ideas of the lanterns setting his coat sleeve on fire and the light casting shadows on her face. Do you see how those two ideas are distinct? Combined, they're distracting and slow down the reading while the reader tries to sort through what you just said.

She tilted her head a little and took a step around the side of the desk, and his gaze followed hers as she scanned the papers he had been reading.

Different kind of focus shift here, but still a shift. You take the reader from her perspective to his in one sentence. Shifting like that in a single paragraph is fine, writers do it all time, but in a single sentence it's a little jarring. If you want to keep the wording the way it is, just break the sentence into two and delete the conjunction.

An intricate pulley system covered the ceiling of the study, so he could have a line placed in almost any groove and keep lights wherever he wished.

This is one of your best-focused sentences so far. Do you see how you keep the focus on the lanterns, and the only minor shift is still focused on the lanterns. It's subtle, but it's still the same focus.

Atheera unhooked the lantern from its line and held it out to her, the metal cold in his palm.

I'm a little confused. This may be just because I'm dropping into the story, but why is the lantern cold? And how exactly does he hold it in his palm? You give the impression that it has a wire handle across the top (like railroad lanterns), which rests in the creases of your fingers, not your palms. Minor details that might need attention.

He tilted his head to the side a little

Just a quick note, you seem to favor the slight tilt of the head with body language. You might want to review your other chapters and make sure you don't overuse it.

So long as the scavenger kept cer word

Was the 'cer' intentional, or a typo? I don't know if you've used it in previous chapters.
Edit: cer appears intentional. What are you going for with this pronoun? (Curiosity piqued.)

It seems like you have a decently-established world. Atheera and Pari are developed well, and the priest-mage was interesting. You need to work on focus a little, but otherwise you did a good job.

Hope this helps!